Go to From Damn Near Hell To Almost Paradise
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Blanche
I honestly don't know how much good I am or can do in such a limited time but I know I will not add to the f**ked up mess that they have made of this child's life. He has to learn how to function in the world and even if I only have 29 days to do it, I am hoping to at least give him a taste of LIFE!!!!!!
posted by
bel_1965
on July 22, 2006 at 7:36 PM
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Bel,
Whew, you're doing such a great job just being there. Nobody escapes life unscathed, but one day these kids will really know how much good you've done just by being there, and by being real, honest and caring.
posted by
Blanche.
on July 22, 2006 at 7:00 PM
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More than you can even begin to imagine Blanche
posted by
bel_1965
on July 22, 2006 at 6:59 PM
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Bel, I think you've probably just nailed it, she couldn't be bothered to
parent him herself, so she has to find a quick and easy fix: the drugs. Not taht they may not be valid, but there is no "magic bullet" or panacea when it comes to behavior. Dr. Phil said, "Life is managed not cured", and I think he's right.
If James is responding to love and nurturing and parental discipline what does that say about his relationship to his mother?
posted by
Blanche.
on July 22, 2006 at 6:49 PM
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Blanche
I'll blog about it later but after observing some things over the past couple of days I am ANGRY as hell! I have 13 year old boy who has zero social ability, zero ability to function outside of the TV or gameboy. Carl and I have kept him VERY busy and he is thrilled to be basically doing manual labor. Nobody has bothered to do anything with him in ages and it shows!
posted by
bel_1965
on July 22, 2006 at 6:46 PM
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Bel, I don't know your situation with James (I've heard much more about Pam
so please feel free to take my input with a grain of salt. I am very fed up with the current fad of putting kids who "act up" on Ritalin and other heavy duty drugs, which have not been carefully researched or tested, on young, formative kids. A family situation is never all one-way, all players or participants have a part in the drama. As soon as I read that part about Pam's mom wanting to put Pam in therapy (but not herself), I thought, "uh huh, she's your daughter, why would she need therapy and not you as well". That's my take. It sounds like you're observing James and his behavior a lot more objectively than his mom.
posted by
Blanche.
on July 22, 2006 at 6:34 PM
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Thanks Whacky
posted by
bel_1965
on July 22, 2006 at 3:24 PM
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Hope all goes well. Good luck!
posted by
Whacky
on July 22, 2006 at 3:20 PM
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Rumored
Unfortunately ADHD is the easy way out for parents, teachers and doctors these days. YES, he has ADHD there is no missing it, his mind races at about 100MPH constantly but instead of teaching him to work with it and learn to function with it, they have medicated him and expected the pills to do it all. He has been on this medication since he was about 6 and there is NO actual data on the long term effects of this type of medication on children. I know at one time I was on a similar product and found it had some serious adverse effects on my sex drive, etc... I worry about the effects not only on his brain but on his body and his ability to have children in the future...but what do I know? I only researched the hell out of this stuff.
posted by
bel_1965
on July 22, 2006 at 3:06 PM
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Wiley
I didn't need a profession to tell me that this woman even after I have been married to Carl for 10 years will do whatever it takes to make sure she has his attention...including making crap up about the kids and having him contacted in a combat zone, only to find out it was a lie! Her reasoning: I hadn't heard from you in awhile. Well imagine that he wasn't in touch with his EX while he was in Iraq. So yes, I am quite used to her antics.
posted by
bel_1965
on July 22, 2006 at 3:02 PM
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Justi
I am hoping so.
posted by
bel_1965
on July 22, 2006 at 2:59 PM
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bel, some meds are worse than the condition they're supposed...
to be treating...the side effects read like "War and Peace"!...
...
posted by
Rumor
on July 22, 2006 at 2:17 PM
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bel 1965
Good luck getting all that sorted out luv.
My experience is his mum is arranging things for you to be thoroughly annoyed and anxious.
I have had some of the experience myself, and advice came from psychotherapist who had my ex all figured out.
posted by
WileyJohn
on July 22, 2006 at 2:01 PM
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bel
Sounds like thing are going to be find. You and Carl together appear to have it going on together. That makes a difference, a united front.
posted by
Justi
on July 22, 2006 at 11:39 AM
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Passion
That about sums it up!
posted by
bel_1965
on July 22, 2006 at 9:46 AM
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Sophistie
Believe me, after 10 years of dealing with her...I know that she prefers to use the meds as her excuse of not gaining control of him. I highly doubt I will get through to her but I have to at least make an attempt. Thanks Hon.
posted by
bel_1965
on July 22, 2006 at 9:45 AM
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Be Careful When Talking With Her About the Meds
Often, people like that
DO NOT WANT TO LISTEN to a voice of reason. They appear helpless and hopeless because of their lack of self discipline and will feel threaten if a peer attempts to tell anything. For some reason they take it as a personal affront or negative criticism, as opposed to the true intended benefit. Hang in there!!
posted by
Dr_JPT
on July 22, 2006 at 9:08 AM
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James sounds like he has potential
If he just didn't have the devil for a mom.
posted by
Passionflower
on July 22, 2006 at 8:30 AM
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Offbeats
Unfortunately we have to convince the custodial parent first. I wish the situation were better, but if you recall the idiot ex that had Carl contacted in Iraq about this time last year over BS...this is whom we are speaking of.
She has final say and she seems to like keeping him medicated as she has been told by other doctors in the past that this is not a medical problem but a disipline problem!
posted by
bel_1965
on July 22, 2006 at 8:28 AM
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bel
maybe when you tell the doctor he will order more tests....maybe he should'n have beem on them is the first place..
posted by
Offy
on July 22, 2006 at 8:25 AM
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Factor
I'm sorry I forgot all about that! Yes, I will get you the info!
posted by
bel_1965
on July 22, 2006 at 7:48 AM
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Hehe I read your comment below and I think Pam said it all...
you care enough to make her behave. It also could be worsened if James is taking meds at too high a dose or that he should not be on in the first place...you are right there. 
BTW, do you still want me to do the crystal thing and email it to you?
posted by
FactorFiction
on July 22, 2006 at 7:34 AM
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Passion
Pam is my artisitc one LOL!!! James LOVES to read so we went through the books and picked out a bunch that are acceptable for him. We are planning a trip to the lake tommorow. I'm trying to encourage him to write a few stories himself. The best writers are always readers LOL!
posted by
bel_1965
on July 22, 2006 at 6:59 AM
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I'm glad things are going so well with James.
Maybe if you can keep them entertained with water balloon fights, trips to the swimming pool or lake, picnics, etc...you guys can actually have a good visit this time.
One thing I do know about kids like him....they need to be constantly doing something. If he gets bored is when he'll start making trouble. I used to work with the troubled kids at my church (old life).
Kids like James are always very artistic. If you have any acrylic paint, get him a canvas or just a piece of wood that he can paint on and invite him to paint something. Tell him to paint what he's feeling inside.
It will probably be an excellent work of art when he's done.
posted by
Passionflower
on July 22, 2006 at 6:54 AM
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Avant
I am feeling hopeful!
posted by
bel_1965
on July 22, 2006 at 6:35 AM
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bel
That's good. I'm glad you're handling this well so far.
posted by
avant-garde
on July 22, 2006 at 6:34 AM
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Shelly
Mean no? Pretty straght on YEP!!! Let me put it this way. When we picked the kids up she was having hissy fits that Pam needs therapy because she is so out of control and disrespectful. Pam has told me time and tim again that she gets away with ALOT more at her mom's than with me. When I asked her why she behaved differently her words were "Because you care enough to make me behave." KIDS!!!!
posted by
bel_1965
on July 22, 2006 at 6:05 AM
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Maybe it's his mother that is making him out of control?
sorry, I know that was mean.
posted by
shelly_b
on July 22, 2006 at 5:54 AM
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