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Thank you Cee ... the same goes for me ..

posted by VictoriaP on April 10, 2006 at 2:09 AM | link to this | reply

Qween-

Thanks!  I'll make it, I know I will.....
Cee

posted by LadyCeeMarie on April 7, 2006 at 5:26 PM | link to this | reply

vbate-

That is what he wants, too - to cut all ties.  It is going to take time to heal; to get control over my danged emotions.  When you are grieving a death, no one expects you to just get over it the next day.  I don't get that with a forbidden love; you're supposed to "get over it" or "put it behind you," just like that.  These funk times are slowing down. 

I have an anniversary to celebrate tomorrow thanks to M. getting back to "reality."  I thank you so much for your counsel and encouragement.  It's been my sending M. a book as a birthday gift "from a friend" in March that opened the wounds, for me, at least.  I'm sure he needed no reminders of me.  But it would have been easier if he'd just thrown it away or had given it away; anything but return it.  It was that feeling of rejection all over again that ripped open the old hurt. Tomorrow's a new day without a mistake in it.  Best wishes in your healing, too.  I am here, if ever you need an understanding ear.

Cee
 

posted by LadyCeeMarie on April 7, 2006 at 5:21 PM | link to this | reply

CEE

 Hang tough baby.

posted by ALWAYSALOVER on April 7, 2006 at 3:57 PM | link to this | reply

You have to take back control of your life -- and that will

probably mean you have to cut all ties with him -- at least until you heal enough to function without the interruption of the pain you are feeling.  I haven't talked to A since Christmas day -- and I had not talked to her before that since September.  It gets easier all the time, but the tightening in my chest when a certain song comes on still takes me by surprise... and sometimes the urge to call her is a real test of my progress - so far so good.  We tried being just friends, but that only stalls the healing process - ties have to be cut altogether.  James Blunt - prolific lyrics in many of his songs.

posted by VictoriaP on April 7, 2006 at 10:27 AM | link to this | reply

Oh vpate-

We share a close bond, then.  That feeling you describe I think is hit on the head by the Jame's Blunt song.
It's the Hollow feeling left by his absence that feels like a cavern in my heart at times.  Today, April 7th, was the day I told him, via email, "I love you" and he wrote back "and I love you."  We'd both said it.  My 28th anniversary was April 8th and I was telling another man I loved him.  How wrong was that..... Mike told Jay that things "got out of hand."

I will have to learn how to NOT fall into that hollow in my heart.  I'm so tired of being sad.  Underneath it all, the hollow.  I let myself fall and look where it led.  I'm working my way out of that cavern all over again.  Hearing his voice, one last time, telling me he loved me before he hung up, has thrown me back into the cavern.

Cee

posted by LadyCeeMarie on April 7, 2006 at 9:48 AM | link to this | reply

I didn't know what love was or what the pain of losing a true

love felt like until last year.  It's like you let someone in to live in a huge space in your heart and when they are gone that space feels like a gaping void that you can't ever seem to fill again -- and the chronic pain comes from the understanding that it will probably never be filled by anyone else.  Like you, I had to let go because love was not enough -- other people were involved and they didn't deserve to have their already established hearts ripped out by our selfishness in wanting to be together.  After almost 50 years I truly believe that we all have one true love out there -- are we the lucky ones to have found ours?  I'm still undecided.  Stay strong my friend - vpate

posted by VictoriaP on April 7, 2006 at 9:20 AM | link to this | reply

Thank you for your understanding, vpate -

Finally, someone who sees how long I've carried a torch for this man.   Earlier this week I think it was, that he called me,  we said we would always love each other, for all the good that will do.   I think I answered that in my spirituality blog I just posted.  Our future had to be based on more than love.

Jay is an incredible husband and he is my lover.  He IS a keeper, as you said.  I should pass the 30-yeaer old torch at long last, shouldn't I.  Leave well enough alone.  It' s always easier to teach the willing student, who is so anxious to learn what you have to impart.  I  am married to the reluctant one, who resists everyone's best attempts to show him  how to find his OWN inner light.  He let me go on loan, always willing to take me back.  I doubt he would do that again.  I don't think I'll test him on that!!   Whenever he gets near the power of his own light, he shys away from it.  At least he's been willing to take a peek since my loan got called in.

Thanks for stopping in!

Cee

posted by LadyCeeMarie on April 7, 2006 at 8:58 AM | link to this | reply

Very sad to be in love with someone you know you can never have ...

I think it's sometimes part of the intrigue -- but 30 years is a very long time for mere intrigue -- I hope your heart heals soon  .  Meanwhile, your husband is a keeper ... understanding of his magnitude is few and far between.

posted by VictoriaP on April 7, 2006 at 1:47 AM | link to this | reply