Go to MY PERCEPTIVE REFLECTION!!
- Add a comment
- Go to BLAST FROM THE PAST -THROWS ME OFF BALANCE - DISRUPTS ALL - HEART CRUMBLES!
You've had so much advice here! All I can say is go with your gut feeling and do whatever it is that you wont regret later. Just remember he is the father of your children and they might want him in their lives even in a small way. Take care...
posted by
Ca88andra
on March 25, 2006 at 2:30 AM
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Symphony, I echo Jazwolf's comment...just now catching up!
posted by
Ariala
on March 24, 2006 at 7:11 AM
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Thanks scriber and your right...I don't want to....far from it!
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 24, 2006 at 6:06 AM
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Symp--I would say don't go back with him just for the children, you must
want to, also. And I don't get the feeling u want to.
posted by
scriber
on March 24, 2006 at 5:55 AM
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Thanks Jazwolf
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 24, 2006 at 5:32 AM
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I have emailed you anthony1wiley
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 24, 2006 at 5:32 AM
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Thank you OFFBEATS
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 24, 2006 at 5:32 AM
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Thank you so much cling
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 24, 2006 at 5:32 AM
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Symphony--- Second chance with the kids, carefully supervised. But you
don't "owe" him a second chance if you don't want to be with him.
posted by
Jazwolf
on March 23, 2006 at 7:55 PM
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SYMPHONY
My old eyes can't read your post luv, and it's way too wide for the screen. Just thought you should know that kiddo.
posted by
WileyJohn
on March 23, 2006 at 7:45 PM
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SYMPHONY
Yes, you could give him another chance, with the children...but not for yourself. It's ok to forgive, but never forget! That man was brutual!! You deserve much more!!
posted by
Offy
on March 23, 2006 at 7:37 PM
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You know what you should do! A chance with the children slow and steady may be a good thing but you said he was out of the picture for you so stick to it! You're an awesome mom and you've worked really hard to get where you are. You call the shots and DO NOT let him back into YOUR life just for the kids. You need to do things for yourself. You're awesome...stay strong!
posted by
cling
on March 23, 2006 at 4:57 PM
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hahaha Blanche_DuBois
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 3:03 PM
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LOL...I guess not...FactorFiction
but sombody might have wondered what I was talking about or rather who to...
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 3:03 PM
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LOL, Symphony, I got it.
posted by
Blanche.
on March 23, 2006 at 3:03 PM
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Thank you Passionflower ....I will make that very clear!
I will say it as soon as I get that chance...as I don't just want to blurt it out already if you know what I mean....
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 3:02 PM
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hehe
You don't think a discussion of toffee follows naturally from my comment?
posted by
FactorFiction
on March 23, 2006 at 3:02 PM
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I think you should certainly give him a chance to be a father
To his children. But under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you let him think that you might care for him or want him back as a husband.
DO NOT feel sorry for him and let him back in your heart!!!!!!!! Make it clear in every possible way, that although you hope he can be in his children's lives, you will NEVER want him back as a husband!!!
Maxine, make that very clear to him. Don't give him any hope that you might ever have feelings for him again. This will only hurt you and HIM in the end, not to mention what it will do to the kids.
Good luck, girl...I don't envy what you're going thru, but I promise to pray for you.
posted by
Passionflower
on March 23, 2006 at 2:58 PM
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Thank you ever so much FactorFiction ...
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:55 PM
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opps that was for blanche...
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:54 PM
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I love toffee bars...but I hate it when it gets stuck in my teeth.
I also need a filling cos it gets a bit painful if I eat on one side of my mouth...
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:53 PM
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Hi Symphony-
It's not a subject I can give advice on...but I can imagine how much his reintroduction to your world must upset it. You have done an excellent job of recovering your life and caring for your children, and I hope you never lose sight of that fact. I wish you and your children the best
posted by
FactorFiction
on March 23, 2006 at 2:47 PM
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yep, mint oreos are good.
You probably have better toffee bars than these in the UK, after all, it was an English invention, I think.
posted by
Blanche.
on March 23, 2006 at 2:42 PM
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Thank you Nanaroo ....
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:41 PM
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Yes that does sound good!...LOL...Blanche_DuBois...the best yet!
No we don't have symphony bars...but they sound yummy!.....my favourite is mint AREO's (do you have those?) actually I love all chocolate...
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:40 PM
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Symphony
Wow. You know, I've done 'second chances' and they never work out. No kids were involved though- I sure feel for ya... good luck and I know you will handle this appropriately...
posted by
Nanaroo
on March 23, 2006 at 2:39 PM
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No, no, wait, Symphony, I have the perfect revenge:
You, in your hottest nightclub outfit (the one for karaoke nights), perfectly coiffed and made up, meet him at the door, and throw a rotten egg at him as you sweep out the door and go out on a date. Sound good?
BTW, I just bought 3 Symphony candy bars (chocolate with toffee chips), do you get those?
posted by
Blanche.
on March 23, 2006 at 2:37 PM
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LOFL.....
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:34 PM
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Symphony, now THAT would go over like a brick. BWAHHH HAHAHAHA!
ahem.
sorry.
posted by
myrrhage_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:33 PM
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LOFL....YOU TWO HAVE MADE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD...
I needed that......ah
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:32 PM
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hahaha Blanche_DuBois ...hitting with balloons
is not heavy enough....something like a brick maybe...
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:31 PM
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hahahaha iSiSeYeSs ...now I am laughing about the chocolate
the emotions I am going through......LOL...
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:30 PM
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Blanche,
LMAO!!
whap whap whap.....hehehehehe
whap whap
I agree with you Blanche, I think staying HOT and completely confident is her best weapon!
posted by
myrrhage_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:30 PM
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hahahahaha Blanche_DuBois
I am loving the ideas
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:29 PM
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Balloons, Symphony, you could beat him with little balloon animals
whap, there, take that, and that and that..(feel better?) No, Isiseyes, I think "Living well is the best revenge", overindulging in chcolate would aldd weight would make you feel worse, even better, slim down, look really hot, and just hold your head up, knowing you did the right thing, and find The One who really, really will treat you right.
Keep the long-range plans in sight....don't succumb to the siren call of the chocolate...well, maybe only a little.
posted by
Blanche.
on March 23, 2006 at 2:29 PM
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hehehe yes the support is great here iSiSeYeSs
thank you so much....you two are making me giggle...
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:29 PM
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Thank you MasonGarrett ....
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:28 PM
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hehehe thanks Blanche_DuBois
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:28 PM
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Thanks A-and-B
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:27 PM
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Close your eyes Symph!
pssst...Blanche, between you and me and the gatepost, I'd say this calls for desperate measures: Death by chocolate. She just has to show how much more she loves chocolate than she ever loved him.
I'm sort of middle of the road on the gun issue. I think it would be better if the police and the people were equally armed. It makes for better Saturday night entertainment.
just kidding..
sort of...
posted by
myrrhage_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:24 PM
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Well, she'd have to find something other than a gun, most likely, Isiseyes,
They're too easy to come by in the heat of the moment here, imho. (symphony, don't get any ideas!)
posted by
Blanche.
on March 23, 2006 at 2:20 PM
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Awwwww Blanche....
Couldn't she just kill him a little bit? Just a teeny widdle bit... Okay, just kidding, although I hear you Brits have different laws over there.
Symphony, I'm really glad you have found a support system here :) It's really something isn't it?
posted by
myrrhage_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:19 PM
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...however it works out...
..don't give up YOU.. and what you've built for yourself... if the other can't fit, so be it... their karma, they have to live it out... just some thoughts from a guy whose made mistakes and learned from them... hang in there, M
posted by
MasonGarrett
on March 23, 2006 at 2:13 PM
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Anyway, I'm jumping the gun, Symphony,
by even bringing up the word, forgiveness, when you're sitting there with all these emotions. I just want to add one thing: do it at your own speed, don't let ANYBODY, tell you to "Get over it" or "Move on", or whatever. You feel what you feel, and Isiseyes is right: anger, bitterness, rage, whatever you feel, those are all real and valid. I'm thinking long-term down the road. Just don't kill the SOB, okay?
posted by
Blanche.
on March 23, 2006 at 2:10 PM
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A decision can't be made with just one visit. A bit of money isn't assuming responsibility. You've changed so he can't expect the same anymore. He needs to know more about so many things.
(B)
posted by
A-and-B
on March 23, 2006 at 2:07 PM
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I guess not...Blanche_DuBois ...Thank you for making me see that.
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:06 PM
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iSiSeYeSs ....I read your comment three times...
I love this!...it makes perfect sense in my confused state of mind...its like a guide line for me...thank you so much...I am happy well I was, I love everything about my life...I was working on the little issues I have left.......now I just feel a bit thrown.....I am hoping for it to wear off and feel like my normal strong self again...but suddenly I fee vunarable....not how I want to be at all.
I have worked hard...damm hard to gain the me I should be...I wont give up on it...I will use all I have inside of me and my eyes are wide open...I wont let him hurt me or the kids ever again...
he does have a long way to go.....long long long way!
Thank you again so much for your comments.....they really have helped me see a bit more clearer..wish I came here yesterday or day before...I always knew that my blogger friends could help...
I need to think a lot of things over...I guess I be taking my laptop to bed tonight...LOL...
again, I am so pleased for you and all that you have achieved...I am very proud of you in more ways that one...
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 2:05 PM
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Symphony,
It's a decision I've had to make over and over, I thought forgiving meant I'd have my relationship the way I wanted it and wash away the past. I guess it doesn't work that way.
posted by
Blanche.
on March 23, 2006 at 1:57 PM
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Symphony,
You have EVERY right to be bitter and angry towards him. He did unthinkable things to you and your children, even your dog! I don't like to give unsolicited advice. But I worry that you'll give all the power you have worked so hard to gain back over to him.
I told my ex-husband a couple of weeks ago that there are stages to an apology:
1. Owning, truly KNOWING, that what you did was wrong, and knowing what exactly what that thing was.
2. Verbal apology, without expectation of acceptance. The injured party needs time to heal, and to hear that apology being offered.
3. Atonement. That means finding out what needs to be done to correct the injury, how serious the injury is, and how long it will take. This means understanding that the more serious/frequent the injury is, the longer it will take for the apology to take effect. Again, this means allowing the injured party to come to terms with it in their own time.
I would say he's got his work cut out for him! He has only just begun. And furthermore, there is no rule that says you have to allow him to apologize. Atonement may very well mean that he has to go away and leave you alone.
Okay...I'll get off my soap box now :)
I just really really want you to be happy, at peace, and free of this disruptive influence in your life. Now if only I can apply the same to my relationship with my ex....sigh....hehe
posted by
myrrhage_
on March 23, 2006 at 1:56 PM
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I forgot to say....I am so happy that I inspired you...thats a reason
why I share my personal life....
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 1:52 PM
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Thank you so much iSiSeYeSs ...I knew you would remember
the chats and the support we had for each other...I remember your tough times...it was sad to hear your stories...I am so glad you found the strength to leave...I admire you very much for that.
too be honest...you ask if I am happy to have his influence in my life (something like that) well No I am not at all....I have no idea if I will change my mind,
but how I feel...is bitter....I hate the fact he has came back....I so want to let out what I am really feeling but it will be spiteful...
I wish I had moved away and he didn't know where we was............
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 1:50 PM
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Wow thanks Blanche_DuBois...your comment just spoke volumes to me!
that part about leaving a scar, etc.....sure made me stop and think......Thanks very much for that.
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 1:46 PM
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Symphony,
This is truly shocking!
Yes, I remember all that you went through during that awful time. He was so horrible, really out of control, and through it all you stayed strong, continued to be a supportive and loving influence in your children's lives, and basically held everything together in the face of danger. I watched somewhat from a distance, unable to say much. My own marriage was falling apart, and I was gradually discovering how awful my own husband was.
So I watched...and partly through watching you, I was inspired to change my life as well. Now the kids and I are finally moved out. Things are very difficult, but I do thank you for sharing your experiences with us here.
I really can't advise on whether or not you should allow him back into your life. The only thing that comes to mind is to tell you that the most important thing in the world is your happiness. Anything that destroys that happiness is not good. So all you can really do is ask yourself if you can continue to be happy even with his influence in your life.
I wish you the best, and I know that in the end you will make the right choice!
iSiS
posted by
myrrhage_
on March 23, 2006 at 1:44 PM
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Symphony,
I pretty much agree with the advice below, and add one thing: Forgiving someone doesn't mean that it doesn't leave a scar on your heart or make it the way it was before or the way you'd hoped your relationship would once be. It's about letting go of the anger so you can move forward in peace. That doesn't happen overnight, but the decision to do it, and make that over and over again, is always in your power. Good luck, you have a strong heart, follow it.
posted by
Blanche.
on March 23, 2006 at 1:43 PM
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actually I feel more than nervous...I can't get my emotions out...
I feel numb...I dont even know what to feel....argh!...
frustrated!
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 1:41 PM
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Thank you Azur ...
I will do that (look in to finding out my rights and so on)
too be honest I don't know what his intentions are...I feel quite nervous about it all....
he seems like his old self but anybody can act....all I know is - all I have thought about since.................
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 1:40 PM
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ahhh thanks sassyass_64
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 1:35 PM
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Yes you are right...avant-garde ...thank you so much.
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 1:35 PM
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Thank you so much Justsouno (mum)
I really appreciate your comment...it makes a lot of sense
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 1:34 PM
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Symphony
Part of his rehabilitation must be in recogniing the boundaries. He probably has come a long way and feels like he wants the reward for his progress HOWEVER it is not right that he just turns up. As the one who has maintained that family and supervised your children (so well) you have the say so.
He needs to know that he must abide by your rules which you need to have in place for the children. Is it possible he is trying to get the kids back on side in a hope to win you back. It could get awkward if you can't be won back. Not only that the kids need stability. I am really inexperienced in such matters but I would be tempted to have a chat with someone or a group that can give you some good guidelines and help you be very clear about your rights and how you meet the rights and needs of the kids.
posted by
Azur
on March 23, 2006 at 1:34 PM
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Thanks so much, LaylaBeth ...especailly for understanding...
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 1:32 PM
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Thanks gypsyredhead33
don't worry my eyes are wide open! and you're right nothing says I have to take him back...I would not anyway...I love my life...I am so angry he has come back...I don't want him in our lives...I want to be selfish and have the children all to myself!
posted by
_Symphony_
on March 23, 2006 at 1:31 PM
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Without knowing how you feel about him as a person
Its really hard to say. I think that he is important to the kids, so its important that you and he be at least friends. Loving him is fine, but in less you are "in love" with him, I'd say that somebody else is waiting for you somewhere. You are a gorgeous lady with many fine qualities. Many good men would be lucky to find you.
posted by
Sherri_G
on March 23, 2006 at 1:13 PM
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SYMPHONY
It's hard to know what to do. I can only say to follow your heart. If you need time to heal, then that's what you should do. He will respect you much more if he has to really work to gain your trust again.
posted by
avant-garde
on March 23, 2006 at 1:07 PM
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Symphony I remember when he was knocking down doors. It has not been enough
time yet. If he wants to visit the children under your supervision allow that say once every other week or something. He may be able to get to where he wants to be, but that does not mean he has the right to come to your house on his terms.
Take it very slowly. Pray a lot and keep your boundries up and in place. He is still new at this clean up work. I am not saying it can not be done, it is not done now!
posted by
Justi
on March 23, 2006 at 12:59 PM
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Symphony--I am so sorry to hear that...
You have my COMPLETE sympathies.
I don't blame you , one little bit, for feeling like you do...
Chin up, dear! You're a good mom!!!
~LB~ xoxo
posted by
Anony_Miss
on March 23, 2006 at 12:56 PM
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Symph... hard one to say. You have to do right by you.
I'd say take it VERY slowly. If he starts showing the slightest signs of returning to old ways, shut the door. In AA one of the steps is to make amends and ask for forgiveness. I guess I'd be sharp eyed and nothing says you have to take him back!
posted by
RedHeadedGypsy
on March 23, 2006 at 12:45 PM
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