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Dear Cee, I'll be watching. God be with you.
posted by
MaggieMae
on February 20, 2006 at 5:22 PM
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Oh Maggie-
I'll tell about the one episode pre-Mike that Jay had blanked out; he can hardly believe it but deep down he admitted that he did that. He didn't know then if he DID love me anymore. Then, during Mike, but he was clueless that we'd gotten involved again, he had 2 near melt-downs, where he was about to have me commit him. Twice he has driven so wrecklessly that I expected not to make it home those nights. I prayed to God and prepared to meet him! I am not kidding that God saw me as a conduit to Jay to bring him around to HIM and saw me as well as the gift Mike talks about that also brought him back to God so that he could be a conduit to his wife, who was pretty mental herself. Even our pastor, who did some counseling with us asked Jay if he was suicidal. I was so relieved that it wasn't just me thinking hysterical thoughts. I never felt hysterical.
God had his hand in all of this; so did his female counterpart, the Goddess. the Mother God. We truly believe this. Even Jay has come around. Mike's wife attends church, the Unitarian I had suggested WE go to; Mike and Linda are going to that church together now, an unbelievable dream for him come true. That makes me happy for him. He feels it's the path he was to have been on after our eight months. Leading his wife to the light. In his last letter he indicated she was shining some light of her own on the path. After being an atheist for 26+ years, he must be absolutely thrilled. He said he was falling in love with her again but I being in his email life, put up roadblocks. I understand why he can still love me, but he can' have me and his wife, too.
I sang in a gospel quartet for 10 years. We visited 1-2 churches a month. Our spouses made up the travelling fan club, all except for Jay. Sometimes he had jobs, such as photographing first communions or this Sunday, he's doing a baptism. But he could have gone to a few in 10 years. We had no real spiritual connection until just recently. He would go to church and watch the kids while I sang in the choir.
He started praying to God in earnest when I was moving out. He changed into someone even I didn't recognize. It was all at God and the Mother's hand. It's all going to be in there. You'll see.
Cee - Thanks Maggie
posted by
LadyCeeMarie
on February 19, 2006 at 6:08 AM
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Well, Cee..
I see from your comment reason enough for you to stray. That would have been difficult for any woman to suffer that rejection and humiliation. I'm beginning to see why you were more than tempted to falter when Mike made his whereabouts known, and his feelings. I understand more that I ever did about your situation. Why have you not included this in your story. You've made Jay the innocent one in this and we haven't seen that he had his guilt too. I never knew about this cruelty. Was this yet to come? 
God bless you, Cee!
posted by
MaggieMae
on February 19, 2006 at 4:40 AM
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That's a good one, Maggie!
Good theory, but I'd been post-menopausal for 7-8 years and hadn't gone on the prowl before. HE had love in the bed next to him and wouldn't come to me for it, even when offered. It wasn't until I was almost gone that he realized that he DID love me. It wasn't until he cried as I had cried one night (preMike) that he knew the pain I had felt when he didn't, couldn't, wouldn't love ME and I had cried more bitterly than ever I had before. I'll have to blog about that perhaps before anyone will realize the depths of lovelessness our marriage had plummeted. He realized it, almost too late. It changed him, for the better, when he finally, admittedly, felt the same pain he had caused me. It almost lost me, and I, him.
Cee
posted by
LadyCeeMarie
on February 18, 2006 at 8:11 PM
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Cee.....
Menopause will sometimes drive women to another man's arms - they are looking for love in all the wrong places. You had love right in the room with you and didn't know it, apparently. He seemed to have so much going that he wasn't giving you the attention you craved, but I think he never stopped loving you.
I know my own mother went crazy for sex and freedom when she was going through menopause and it only brought her a whole lot of pain. I guess they can't help it, but some women just go on the prowl, their hormones are raging. They want to be the center of attention.
Menopause affects women in all kinds of different ways. Who knows, Cee???
posted by
MaggieMae
on February 18, 2006 at 7:05 PM
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Ver nice photo.
Dear Cee... The black and white photo is a classic. Your features are well defined.
I wish you the best for every chapter of your life. It seems that you are going through different phases and a few of them are difficult. I believe that a woman like you should never sleep alone, should never be lonely, should always have somebody on your side to talk to, not to argue with.
I am not married 23 years and I learned not to argue with my wife. The petty arguments we have is caused by our disagreement on holidays and the food I want to eat which she has banned on the table like pork.
regards for now and I wish you the best of health... Prof.
posted by
PROF-SUMAKEL33
on February 18, 2006 at 1:27 PM
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Cee,
When one goes looking through the cookbook of recipes on breakups, this one is on the first page! It is a wonder, you and Jay have made it this far. I hope that you get what it is that you most desire and that you are happy with it!
Angel
posted by
anglofinspirtion
on February 18, 2006 at 10:29 AM
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Cee, I know you and Jay will work things out. The man has a lot on him and
just as soon as he thinks it may end, something else pops up. My husband has been in the same position. It never ends. He loves you, but he's just frustrated with it all.
posted by
MaggieMae
on February 18, 2006 at 10:21 AM
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