Go to MY PERCEPTIVE REFLECTION!!
- Add a comment
- Go to HE BETRAYED ME - HE HAD SEX WITH HER - HOW DO I FORGIVE HIM??????
Wow....I did not expect these great comments ..well except a few
!
I wont tell my friend what you have said...instead I will invite her over my house tomorrow and show her your commenrs......thank you all so very much ....you are all great!
...I really appreciate it...and I am sure so will she.
posted by
_Symphony_
on February 2, 2006 at 3:44 AM
| link to this | reply
SYMPHONY
Ouch...I think it can, but under very special circumstances.. I have seen it work, just not for me! Good luck to your friends!
posted by
Offy
on February 1, 2006 at 9:18 PM
| link to this | reply
SYMPHONY
Well moving on takes faith and guts, but self-esteem requires us to do the tough things. Once trust is broken it is tough to ever make things right again. Just my opiniong luv.
posted by
WileyJohn
on February 1, 2006 at 9:13 PM
| link to this | reply
Let's see - they had a kid and fought all the time ....
and they want to get back together??? sounds like a match made in heaven!
posted by
fwmystic
on February 1, 2006 at 8:37 PM
| link to this | reply
Symphony this is a difficult situation. There are already a lot of strikes
against the relationship.
- They are not married. I have lived both ways. The vows did not mean any more to me the first time than the agreement to live together. However, after I understood my marriage vows were a covenant with God I knew it was the only way. It has been because the marriage I am in has lasted for 22 really great years.
- Both were hurting but neither of them realized the magnitude of the other's pain. Total forgiveness and total commitment is the only answer.
- Forgiveness is a decision. One just decides to forgive, put it away and leave it there. Tell the other one that and do not, do not bring it us in other arguments. Trust him now!
- She will know if he breaks that trust. If he does it again it is all she wrote, over and out!
Sorry it was so long. I do hope they get this worked out the child is the binding cord. They will always be together because of the child so they could patch this up if they will let go of pride. So good to have you back.
posted by
Justi
on February 1, 2006 at 5:57 PM
| link to this | reply
Hi, Symphony
Good to have you back, Sweetie.
Sounds to me like your friend is going to have to decide if he is worth keeping and if she can trust him again not to cheat. Since it is his child, she should really give that some thought.
God bless, Symphony, and take care.
posted by
MaggieMae
on February 1, 2006 at 5:29 PM
| link to this | reply
Come on, Bud, are you serious here?
posted by
anglofinspirtion
on February 1, 2006 at 5:12 PM
| link to this | reply
It sounds like they weren't ready for the child and the commitment in the..
first place.
In the interview with the three defrauded christian ladies which I did a post on this morning, it struck me how all three claimed it was a "couples world". That seems to be the main thrust in our society, couples, and yet the evidence doesn't bear out successful long term coupling.
I believe that it's all social; pressure based on the lie of monogamy. Much as most mythical promotions, when the rubber hits the road it, doesn't work. Before anyone can be happy in a relationship shouldn't they learn to be happy on their own?
I, too, was envious of other couples when my second marriage failed. I've had several relationships since and always go into them with this stipulation.
"I will be here on a day by day basis giving all I have to offer. I will love and respect you until the relationship doesn't work anymore, for either one of us. Then I hope we'll still remain friends and perhaps in include our new partners in the friendship. If the relationship lasts for a lifetime then we will have had the best, on a day to day basis."
That way no one is being fenced in and no ridiculous promises are made. Everything else, marriage vows, committed relationships, is advertising for the benefit of others. The best relationship I had was one of these and lasted three years. We are still fiends 12 years later. I care for her deeply but "love"was never on the table.
Love is very often confused with a chemical attraction within us, which is the foundation for our reproductive urge. Marriage was invented for property rights. Women were property until 80 years ago in north america. Also inheritance had a great deal to do with marriage.
Today people are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and keep reality from draining through the gap. It can't be done.
I still dream of finding someone compatible to be with in a lose configuration, but it is fun to be free and able to be intimate with anyone that I chose. That doesn't often mean sexual intimacy, but mental closeness. Everyone is different but few will remain faithful to one person in their life no matter what they claim to believe.
Why would your friends want to get back together when things were so miserable? There are so many fish swimming around out there that both could probably find greater happiness easily. It's insanity to try to make something as life confining as a relationship which is destined to fail, work!
posted by
Bud-Oracle
on February 1, 2006 at 4:07 PM
| link to this | reply
I don't know how to answer this.
The comments here are good.
(B)
posted by
A-and-B
on February 1, 2006 at 2:28 PM
| link to this | reply
My thoughts are...
the fact that they do want to reconcile, is a good start. In order to start over, one has to come to terms with the past. It goes something like this; Yes, you screwed up, yes, I screwed up. I am sorry, you are sorry. You have to be mature about it or it won't work. It means that even in the worst argument, the past is left in the past. It means realizing and accepting that everything causes everything, does that make sense?
If they want, truly want to make it work, then it is going to be just that, work! She will never forget the betrayal, but she can let him know that she forgives, truly forgives him and allow him to grow, and herself to grow. I have a saying, "A woman forgives, but she never forgets and a man forgets, but he never forgives!"
This is true, trust is earned and it takes a long time, in this situation she is just going to have to be stronger than her hurt and let it heal. It sounds as though he regrets what he did and now they need to work on whatever it was that got them to the place that his heart allowed him to cheat on the love of his life. It doesn't "just happen", as some say. There are signs, actions, words and other things that get us to that place of betrayal.
Just my two cents, though.
Angela
posted by
anglofinspirtion
on February 1, 2006 at 2:14 PM
| link to this | reply
SYMPHONY
It would be very hard to forget, but I think it could be gotten beyond with some hard work. The question is, is it worth the effort?
posted by
avant-garde
on February 1, 2006 at 1:59 PM
| link to this | reply
Well, Symphony...as usual my reply is not a short one This is a sad post.
It is possible I think, Symphony...but very difficult. In today's world, I ask if any couple is willing to work hard to save their relationship? 1.There is a child involved...are they willing to marry and commit to one another and to their child? Right now it is so easy to walk away...no committment to trust, either. 2.The past cannot be washed away, BUT if one sincerely asks for forgiveness, and the other truly forgives , then yes...I think they can move forward. The relationship must then be
maintained... successful relationships don't just happen;
they are a result of hard work and committment from both parties. A breach in a relationship is difficult to mend; it is impossible to forgive and forget, so they must forgive and forgive. The one who breached the relationship must be aware of how difficult it is for his partner, and must resolve to be faithful and loving...
knowing that it will take a long time for the trust in the relationship to be renewed. Again, my question is...Are they willing to WORK TOGETHER for each other and their child...COMMIT to each other? Does " for richer or poorer...in sickness and in health" still MEAN anything... or are they just hollow words that sound pretty? Will they be willing to WORK...or will it just be easier to quit now and walk away? Everyone stands to win...and everyone stands to lose...
posted by
muser
on February 1, 2006 at 12:12 PM
| link to this | reply
I'm not the best person to ask such questions....I don't have the best track record with men...Even men I'd never consider dating or marrying....I guess it depends on the type of person you really are on the inside.
posted by
lovelyladymonk
on February 1, 2006 at 11:03 AM
| link to this | reply
blackcat30 ....I really don't know!
all I can really do is offer my support.....because too be honest if it were me...I would not take him back...but then I never really had a great relationship from the start like her anyway...so I really can't talk...
I think they could work it out...as I know them personally...but still....it's really hard to answer her questions that torment her...
thank you for reading and commenting...much appreciated.
posted by
_Symphony_
on February 1, 2006 at 10:41 AM
| link to this | reply
broken trust is hard to get back... I guess I'd say to take it one day at a
time. I think she'd have to somehow forgive him to even be able to make a new start. Is that possible?
posted by
-blackcat
on February 1, 2006 at 10:23 AM
| link to this | reply