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Spitfire, with my family it's a whole different ball of hair.
And it's not about them not being able to be there, it's choosing not to be there...or only there to a certain extent. I really do know who loves me, I just get stupid and sad and forget to see that they have been there all along in spite of what's going on in their lives. It's just a lonely, hard time for me, and I feel abandoned by those who just disappear. It's not a question of as supportive really...it's just a question of just being gone, even if we are talking on the phone. So, that really hurts. Thanks for reading.
posted by
Temple
on December 15, 2005 at 6:18 PM
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Cass, you're right, Christmas is better with snow.
I grew up without it, at least most winters, but it was still winter cold in New Mexico. We didn't always get white Christmases in Denver either, but it was the best when we did. ;) It'd be nice to have Christmas lunch with you. Maybe one day.
posted by
Temple
on December 15, 2005 at 6:08 PM
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Glad to give a fresh perspective, ginnie.
posted by
Temple
on December 15, 2005 at 6:06 PM
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Temple,
I'm sorry you feel this way. There are many current and pertinent issues going on others' lives (friends and family) but I don't think it's as if they don't care about yours. Just keep the faith in the souls that you believe in your heart love and care about you. They are there. They may just be currently unable to be as supportive as they would normally be right now. It’s not that the thoughts, love, and concern is absent.
posted by
SpitFire70
on December 14, 2005 at 1:51 AM
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Temple - if you were here I would invite you to join me and my friend and her friend for Christmas lunch. I'm not sure where we are going yet, some restaurant in the city I think. Its at this time of year I really miss the snow. I hate being cold and I'm not at all fond of winter, but Christmas just isn't the same without snow.
posted by
Ca88andra
on December 13, 2005 at 3:21 AM
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Really interesting Temple...
..never thought of it that way. Thanks!
posted by
ginnieb
on December 11, 2005 at 8:22 PM
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Hi mystic...
posted by
Temple
on December 11, 2005 at 6:13 AM
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Thanks ginnie...
No, healing is never easy. Tell your son on Christmas Eve to wish on a star. I will, too. That way if we're both sad, at least we know someone else is doing the same thing somewhere.
If he gave too much of himself that's good...it's easier to learn to take care of yourself and give a bit less than to open up and give more.
posted by
Temple
on December 11, 2005 at 6:12 AM
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posted by
fwmystic
on December 10, 2005 at 11:03 PM
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Yes Temple...
...this is a hard time of year to be on one's own. Thanks for your concern about my son. He's a great, caring, gentle 'kid'...I think he gave too much of himself to the relationship. Healing is never easy is it? Take care Temple.
posted by
ginnieb
on December 9, 2005 at 8:17 PM
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saul, I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way, too.
But, I'm glad to hear you have your immediate family. I would be so happy with just a tiny circle. I think when I do settle down and get married one day some of this will go away. And, maybe in time, I will bring people into my life who share my view...and I'll get my life on track more. I've never been good at the, "it's their loss" philosophy, because I miss them, too. And, I am not a good cynic (but that's pretty obvious). I hate being cynical. That's one reason it's so hard for me. I am strong, and I try to learn from what's happening. Some disgustingly optimistic part of me says this will only lead to finding the people who value life and friendship (as well as the man I would like to spend my life with) as I learn things on this road. But, like in school, sometimes you have to take the classes you hate as well as the classes you like. I seem to be stuck in terminal algebra lately. Blech.
posted by
Temple
on December 9, 2005 at 6:46 PM
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HG, just include people and give them love.
Let them know that they matter and are special. That's all people want. If I had that, and when I've had it, even the dark times don't seems so bad.
posted by
Temple
on December 9, 2005 at 6:35 PM
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Rachel, there are things that some people in my life can do to help.
Some friends, some family, but they don't. They say they want to, or wish they could, but really my injury and it's effects have always been very inconvenient. This is the part I don't understand. I'm learning finally that it's really not me, per se, but human nature. I have to make it better, and I just have to keep hoping that in that time I can bring people into my life (locally) that have the same views on friendship as I do. You hear about everything people will go out of their way to do for Hurricane Katrina victims and the tsunami survivors, which is amazing. But, it's heartbreaking when that energy (not money) doesn't go into just visiting a sick friend or having them over on a holiday. All I ever wanted was to be included, to matter. But, it never works out that way. I understand being far away and having money restrictions, there's only so much that can be done. I just wish that when there was more that could be done, it was.... I don't mean to direct this at you, your comment just made me think of it. Thank you.
posted by
Temple
on December 9, 2005 at 6:34 PM
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Thanks for the good wishes Billy.
Each Christmas I spend on my own gets harder. As far as I know Barnes & Noble is closed on Christmas, but I hate going out. I hate all the reminders of the day, and I don't feeling like people look at me like the sad girl on her own. Probably in my own head, but I just try and pretend it's not Christmas at all. I used to decorate the house and all that, now it's just too painful.
posted by
Temple
on December 9, 2005 at 6:11 PM
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ginnie, the fact that your son typed that to you makes me sad...
..I know how much emotion is all wrapped up in that one sentence for me. That song always kills me. I hate Christmas music in these last years since I don't get to have a real Christmas, so I've loved this song even more. What you said is so sweet, thank you, ginnie. The waiting and the fighting....it just becomes unbearable, and I can't seem to find people in my city that see life the way I do. I think it if it wasn't for this place I would be mad by now....I do know people care here. Hugs back to you.
I hope your son is alright. Such a hard time of year to end a relationship, not that it's ever easy, but I think it's harder during the holidays.
posted by
Temple
on December 9, 2005 at 6:04 PM
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Completely understood, Temple. I feel the same way as you a good deal
of the time. I believe that 'relationship lite' should be on my social diet also. I feel most alone and alienated at Christmas. I try to be a good, moral person. Although I have been a friend and friendly toward many, I am rarely asked to gatherings, family or otherwise. But I try not to let it bother me too much; I have my immediate family and my writing; and I apply the mental and emotional balm that it is their loss (and hope I am right). But I don't dwell; it would only bring sadness. Besides, it helps me be a strong cynic.
Just what the world needs, huh?
Stay strong. Write on.
posted by
saul_relative
on December 9, 2005 at 1:39 PM
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I'm with RachelAnna; I can feel it as well. I wish I could take the little happy, lucky parts of me and giave them to people who need them. If that makes any sense.
posted by
Holy_Grail
on December 8, 2005 at 4:01 PM
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Yeah.
I feel your pain, I'm not saying that I understand, because I've never been in your shoes before. But, through your words I can feel the pain, the heartache, the lonliness. I wish there was something that I, or someone, could do to take that away....
posted by
RachelAnna
on December 8, 2005 at 7:26 AM
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I hope you have a good Christmas and find someone to share it with...
even a celebratory cup of coffee at Barnes and Noble would cheer it up. I spent Christmas 2001 (a beautiful sunny, fairly warm day) wandering along sea cliffs on Whidbey Island.
posted by
FreeManWalking
on December 8, 2005 at 7:19 AM
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Love that song Temple...
...I was talking to my son on MSN yesterday and he is moving from the city he's lived in for 4 years and from a relationship that didn't work out and he's anxious to get on his way. He typed to me "I wish I had a river I could skate away on.." It said so much. I would play that song over and over again in my bedroom when I was a teenager. Temple you have surely been through so much...too much...and I wish it would get better for you. You are such a sweet, understanding and empathetic person...right now there is someone out there who is waiting for you. Your writing here is beautiful, poignant and so reflective. *hugs* to you and know that there are people who care.
posted by
ginnieb
on December 8, 2005 at 6:46 AM
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jojo, oh, I don't know....leave California? hmmm...
Well, I miss snow, but I don't think I could give up city beautiful. But you can come visit anytime! I have friends with big hearts that talk about all the things they want to do for strangers and all sorts of things like that, and I want to say...look around you at those close to you who really need you the most. Not just me, but other friends who are struggling with illness or other things. I recognized it once, and had to end some friendships, but it seems to be the norm because I have the same questions now again. I don't know. Thanks for reading.
posted by
Temple
on December 8, 2005 at 6:42 AM
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Temple
It amazes me how clueless people can be. Everyone does get so wrapped up in their own lives that they forget to stop and notice what's going on in the lives of others. The irony to me anyway, is that life is so much more enriching when we do reach out to others. It's sad that your friends didn't see that but good that you recognized that they weren't really friends. Now as far as winter is concerned, I hate it! Would you like to trade houses for the season? I would love to live in California. We just got a fresh snowfall yesterday.
posted by
jojostar
on December 8, 2005 at 6:04 AM
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