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B, it is indeed a mess.
She isn't really helpless...or wasn't, I think she just thinks she is sometimes because she is stuck. I send my prayers and thoughts to her as much as possible, every day, and be as good of a friend to her as I can. I hope it means some strength for her to find a new path. No one should give up on love, or themselves.
posted by
Temple
on November 26, 2005 at 4:21 AM
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Sorry to read about this mess. It happens to the most helpless people. We pray for the good outcomes and we leave it up to God/ the Divine/ the Universe.
(B)
posted by
A-and-B
on November 26, 2005 at 1:55 AM
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Mystic, no WOMEN kept any secrets here.
I had no proof. When he did it the first time, I told her he didn't convince me when she asked. When she asked if I thought other times early on if I thought he believed he would continue his inappropriate behavior with women, cheat again, whatever, I would say that I believed he would. But, only when she asked because I had no proof and she needed to believe, for the sake of her marriage and her family, that he wouldn't. She was young, had one young child and just had another baby (the first time), and P had prevented her from going to school so her career wouldn't support them. That is still part of the problem...yes, he will do right by them, but she is still afraid. He is a good father, that is true. He's not a horrible man, really, but my loyality is to Jennifer and he killed my respect for him forever. Over the years, it would come up, their marriage...and I would ask her if she thought he would do it again. She would always say no, my instincts screamed in the other direction. But, harping on it would do nothing. She had to do it how SHE had to do it, and to do anything else would have just destroyed our friendship. I can't judge her, I wasn't there....I know what I'd like to THINK I would do, but I can't say for sure. Sometimes, taking care of a friend is minding MY business... and I don't think that the statistics are quite equal for men and women cheating....but who gives a fuck? It's totally irrelevant to the situation. This is personal for me because he and I were friends at one time, too, and she is my best friend of 20 years...the only person who's been there for me solid in that time. Then again, when someone has been good to me, a friend to me, and I love them, it's always personal.
Being violent would be childish and stupid and solve nothing, outside of hurting me and her and destroying everything we built. Karate is about a mind and body connection and if you were really learning the principles you'd be learning that you are never to initiate a fight, only to defend yourself. It is not about violence, but about the connection with your body and your spirit and your mind. All working as one, in harmony, fluid. Normally I don't take the bait with you, but these are important points for me for others that come here, so I'll address them. The point is that her friendship, her, she is the most important thing. My feelings are not relevant either.
posted by
Temple
on November 21, 2005 at 12:45 AM
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Meringue
Thank you so much. We both appreciate that. And I appreciate the read and the comment.
posted by
Temple
on November 21, 2005 at 12:29 AM
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I've never understood why women keep secrets ...
when they know a spouse is cheating. Why is it that the one cheated on is always the last to know? On the other hand, if survey's suggest that both men and women cheat in similar percentages, well, then you should MYOB.
Instead of repressing my violent tendancies, I have learned to control them and call upon them when necessary through karate. It really is true when they say it's amazing how calm some pyschos get when they learn how to kill.
posted by
fwmystic
on November 20, 2005 at 6:23 PM
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Temple
Peace and prayers for your friend....
posted by
Meringue
on November 20, 2005 at 5:27 PM
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Smartdog! So happy to see you.
I had lots of those ugly episodes, things I can't even speak about now. That fight, I was old enough to finally get what damage I could have done. People showed me that they wouldn't tolerate my behavior, and I didn't like that ugliness. Slowly it left me. It comes back with a vengence now and then, but now I don't act on it. I don't think as clearly when it comes to protecting someone I care about as I do when it's just me.
posted by
Temple
on November 20, 2005 at 11:00 AM
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Temp
It is interesting that we seem act out our deepest fears. I remember wrestling with my dog once when i was young - I almost hurt the poor thing. Viloence was also common in my childhood. I guess I realized that day what you realized when you fought that girl. Funny how our fears step in front of us wherever we go - until we push them out of the way.
-smartdog
posted by
smartdog_670
on November 20, 2005 at 10:55 AM
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I appreciate your kind words, poet....
I was writing about my best friend, Jen, not myself, and I would never hurt him or anyone physically. I was just venting here, and I've never told her husband what I think of him out of respect for her and her family. My only concern is her and the kids...I just want her happiness. Thanks for your concern.
posted by
Temple
on November 20, 2005 at 10:41 AM
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Life is so messy, be better than him.
posted by
poetjpb
on November 20, 2005 at 10:17 AM
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I am so sorry. Please think of your child growing up in peace.
I am very very sorry for your personal pain......that really is so unfair. May God bless you. Here is a prayer for you.
Don't hurt yourself or your child because of that SOB.
posted by
poetjpb
on November 20, 2005 at 10:16 AM
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Hi fionajean, that is true.
She is staying with him, hopefully just for now. But, as I said in the post I never spoke badly about him before and in the initial stages of this I did (I was on the phone with her when she found out), but I won't anymore. We've been best friends for almost 20 years, so I would never risk that...nor would I want to do anything to further stress her out. She loves me, and she knows I love her....she also knows I would say what was on my mind, I did, now I'm done. From now on it's whatever she needs. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. That does happen a lot. If we didn't have such a solid friendship that had lasted so long, I might not say anything, but that is one reason I put it all in this post. :) Thanks for stopping by.
posted by
Temple
on November 20, 2005 at 6:35 AM
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Hi
I agree that this guy is a real b-----d but I would advise against talking adly about him to Jen. She might end up staying with him and then resenting you for speaking out. She now hardly speaks to me.(This happened to me - And the b-----d has cheated on her again.) Be there - support her, that is all you can do. Pick up the pieces. She's going to need a good friend and it seems that you are that friend.
posted by
fionajean
on November 20, 2005 at 6:24 AM
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Ah, Ms. Pickles, how nice to see you!
You must have assumed something in my writing because she's NOT leaving him. It makes me crazy, but she feels it's best, at least for now. You're right about getting it out of my system though so I can be there for her. She doesn't need me angry at him all the time. Thanks for stopping by. :)
posted by
Temple
on November 18, 2005 at 11:04 PM
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lol...Reni...you're probably right...
Very astute observation. ;)
posted by
Temple
on November 18, 2005 at 11:02 PM
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temple - rant as much as you want - you have to get it out of your system
somehow so that you can be everything your friend needs you to be! she needs your attention - that lowlife scum ex of hers shouldn't have the pleasure of your undivided emotions!
posted by
littlemspickles
on November 18, 2005 at 2:56 PM
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Good morning, just checking posts as I get the kids ready for
school...
I think you did scare a few people...I think it's because you haven't mentioned frothy tea and foamy ocean waves... It's confusing them... lol
posted by
Renigade
on November 18, 2005 at 4:43 AM
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Just an observation.....looks like I've stunned people into silence here.
They say something like 60 to 70 percent of married people (men and women both) cheat. Is that why no one wants to comment? They read and go....hmmmm....moving on....lol...just a sociological thought. It was a good rant. I'm proud.
posted by
Temple
on November 18, 2005 at 4:38 AM
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Cass, I always say to her that I'm the lucky one.
But, we both know that we are lucky to have such a close friendship that has stood the test of time and trauma. She needs me, I need her...I hope she finds her heart's light again and her strength. I call you friend, too, doll.
posted by
Temple
on November 18, 2005 at 4:35 AM
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Reni, well, you've seen my loyality when people treat you badly...
....just in your comments. I guess it's partially why I became a lawyer, an advocate. Yep, men who prowl around acting single when they're committed or married are just as fucking slimey as the ones who go the distance and have affairs. You've been sweet checking on me, and I've loved getting to know you. I think you're lovely. I imagine I'd be pretty hostile with hubby if he did you wrong.
posted by
Temple
on November 18, 2005 at 4:34 AM
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Libby, yes, I don't muck around with loyalty.
I take it very seriously...some would say too seriously, I think, but it's how I see it. It's an Irish thing..lol... :) I'd like to think I'm a good friend, I know I have a lot of flaws...I forget important dates, I can't always be physically around, but with the friends I do have that go the distance and take the chances, they seem to think I'm alright.
Thanks for saying so.
posted by
Temple
on November 18, 2005 at 4:31 AM
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She is lucky to have you as a friend. She just might need someone to stand by her.
posted by
Ca88andra
on November 18, 2005 at 2:05 AM
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Yes, I think we've agreed before that men who cheat on their wives--
or look for the opportunity--are scum... Remind me to call you next time hubby pisses me off. lol
posted by
Renigade
on November 17, 2005 at 6:51 PM
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You are obviously a wonderful, loyal friend W.
posted by
Holy_Grail
on November 17, 2005 at 5:43 PM
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