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whoops, sorry, last comment to mystic....
posted by
Temple
on November 21, 2005 at 12:47 AM
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I know that in theory...
I'm just tired. Starting over with this injury is a fucking bitch. Thanks for commenting.
posted by
Temple
on November 21, 2005 at 12:46 AM
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Every human being has value ...
sometimes it just takes time to find your place in the cosmos.
posted by
fwmystic
on November 20, 2005 at 6:31 PM
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Strat, that was so awesome of you to say....and so well said...thank you.
I try to remind myself of these things, it just gets too hard sometimes....and I get so very tired. That soul tired I spoke of. I think there are people who don't judge, but it seems hard to find them (at least in real life!). I'd like to think I handled things the way you said. I think it's hard for people who have known us for a long time to see us in a new way. I'm sure I will keep on fighting, just need some regrouping time I guess. Thanks so much for reading and leaving this lovely comment. I'll give you a big hug at that next party.
posted by
Temple
on November 18, 2005 at 11:09 PM
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I think we all feel that way to a certain extent sometimes.
You have had a tough hand dealt to you, and I think you have played it in an exemplary and dignified and analytical and passionate fashion. Don't EVER think you have no value -- and although I know it's easy for me to say, hang in the ring and keep on punchin'!
And fuck a society who judges based on a checkbook balance, not a full heart and rich spirit.
posted by
strat
on November 18, 2005 at 5:46 AM
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abhilasha, thanks for dropping in...I appreciate it. :)
I'm not miserable...not deep in my heart. I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling that way. Deep in my heart there is joy, I just can't always find it, and I can't get the rest of my life to fall in line. I am usually very hopeful, but right now things are quite dark after 6 1/2 years of rehabbing from a brain injury, and 2 years before that I was very sick also (something I've never talked about on these virtual pages). I'm tired of always being in a stage of "getting better" and rebuilding, and would like to just be living. You are right, there is no average here. Thank you for the comment. Good luck to you also.
posted by
Temple
on November 18, 2005 at 5:34 AM
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Cass....uh, yep.
posted by
Temple
on November 18, 2005 at 5:29 AM
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Libby, I just adore you. I wish you would answer your damn phone.
I know what's in your heart, and where it comes from. How about a deal? I try to remember it a bit more if you will. K?
posted by
Temple
on November 18, 2005 at 5:29 AM
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Frankenkitty, before I respond seriously, I have to tell you something.
Last night I was teasing Spitfire (as I always do, mercilessly, being the "big sister" and all...), and she was grumpy (by her admission). I said, "you know what..? stop being a crabass!" Then proceeded to laugh myself stupid. I love that word, and saying it out loud is even more fun. She laughed, too. Anyway, lawyers get a bad rap cuz the jerks seem to talk louder than everyone else. But, I know a lot of them, rich ones, too, who do good work in lots of different areas and are just really good people. Advocates, truly, or just people who like to help...or people who love the law, love their jobs. I miss my job every day. I guess I probably always will, even if my book hits the Best Seller List. I am trying to find a way to incorporate legal advocacy into my writing. ::: fingers crossed :::
Those petty people in that neighborhood just suck. I like how you handled it. Good for you. I'm down and trying not to be out. Thanks for the thoughts.
posted by
Temple
on November 18, 2005 at 5:27 AM
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Okay, Reni, I'm waitin' on ya....
posted by
Temple
on November 18, 2005 at 5:19 AM
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Rachel, I know dealing with the diabetes must be very difficult.
I'm sure on some level you understand that automatic judgment in public (people not having the "card" that explains what's up). The thing about you guys struggling with money is that you are so young, with children, people almost expect it of you. I'm 12 years older and all my friends my age own their homes -- hell, so do you -- and are settled in a way I don't know if I will ever be. One of my best friends keeps pointing out to me that it's about her husband's career, that he makes the money, she's a woman...guess that's the puzzle piece I'm missing, but I never believed that, or wanted it...and I would have made good money had life stayed on the partnership or DA track. In a few years, you'll be on your feet...things will be good. You're on your way now. People don't realize that what happened to me can happen to them, or something like it, at any moment. They still sit high on that horse. I have a guy friend who tells me at least 5 times in every conversation that he makes 6 figures now. ACK!
I'm glad, more than I can say, that people find worth in my writing. There are so many days that I find that the reason to keep going. But, when I can't get the stuff that pays the bills to pay the bills, I just don't know what to do...and I see you doing it, and we started out about the same place at the same time, and I'm still in the same place, but look at you go. It's so frustrating, because I can't pursue it with the same diligence you do, but I'm not sure what to do. Gidget, and writing like it, is what I need to be doing because it's what I'm capable of. I ask the universe for guidance.
I guess sometimes it is about other people, but it doesn't make it hurt less. I can't say you were a shitty friend, you've been a good friend to me in so many ways. You know there were things that hurt me, and that's why you said that, and I appreciate you saying it. Regardless of who it's about....them, me, my family, my friends, whoever....in the end, it's me who ends up alone, and feels the pain of it. I will have to learn to get around that somehow. Sometimes self preservation is all we can do in the moment, and that's okay, too.
posted by
Temple
on November 18, 2005 at 5:19 AM
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Um, yep, Jimmy, being poor really sucks.
It's not about money so much as it is about my life plan, the one I've had forever, the one I was on that is just gone now. People say, "so how's law...?" Uh, I guess it's fine.... It's about not feeling like I have a contribution to make, like I'm not a "grown up," like I don't have anything to show for all the school/work/internships/etc. If I was working in a small pro bono firm making a small amount of money but doing work I loved, I would feel fine in those conversations....I would have accomplishments. I need the money, but it was never what made me happy. You know me, you know that most of the time I can find joy in just playing with the kids, the color of the sky, getting coffee from Influx. Lately Petie's deal is that he has starting moving his kitty bed aroud the living room (the one Jen gave you to give me). It's all fabric, so he just turns it around with his claws in different places. I'd never seen him do it until tonight, put me on the floor in laughter. Joy. I just have to keep looking for strength to keep working on the rest.
posted by
Temple
on November 18, 2005 at 4:56 AM
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Billy, on one hand it's nice to know someone understands how I feel...
...on the other hand, I'm sorry you feel that way, too. I don't think you should, I think you've had a great career with the Navy and have a lot to be proud of. I guess we all have our insecurities, maybe I'm just more aware of mine because of the focus on my injury. I'm not sure what the answer is.
posted by
Temple
on November 18, 2005 at 4:49 AM
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I do mean to respond to comments here.
I'm coming back to life. I'll be here soon. Love and light to those of you reading and sticking around. For some reason words have been harder to find.
posted by
Temple
on November 17, 2005 at 4:35 AM
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just dropped in...
i just dropped in.. and i found that someone can also be as miserable as me.i must say we must be clones in some earlier birth.i'm also going through the same phase but i'm much more hopeful...dont worry everythings going to be fine.We are not average people and we should learn to deal with it.... we 'll show them all what we are...goodluck.
posted by
abhilasha
on November 16, 2005 at 4:45 AM
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Sometimes society's standards suck...
posted by
Ca88andra
on November 15, 2005 at 2:18 AM
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It's really easy for me to tell you that you never feel like you have no worth, that you don't matter. And I most definitely feel that way. But it's probably a little hollow coming from someone who can't practice what she preaches. I hope things turn around.
posted by
Holy_Grail
on November 14, 2005 at 7:20 PM
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No value? Are you kidding?!
You know, you are right about society and standards. My sister and I took our kids trick or treating in the subdivision near her condo where there are some nice homes. Now, I've been a lot of places and seen alot of things, and the houses aren't that nice. For the area, they are "nicer", but not more than your average Joe-Bob subdivision house with a two car rule. Unfortunately, I don't measure up, which is fine. So we are trick or treating and these old ladies with fat legs and short gray hair are asking my kids what neighborhod they come from (because we didn't look like we belonged there). They are real snotty and snide. So when my kids come back to me, I tell them loud enough for anyone to hear, "if someone asks you where you're from, just say here. Nothing else." Talk about petty. Anyway, I hope you feel better and I'm sorry you're so down lately. Lawyers are usually jerks anyway, especially the rich ones. Take care
posted by
Flumpystalls3000
on November 14, 2005 at 5:28 PM
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Okay, let me get back to this...I can't give the comment that you deserve right now, so I'll come back when I have more time...
posted by
Renigade
on November 14, 2005 at 12:24 PM
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Yep, I can realate...
To a lot of it. While I'm not the one who has a disease or issue that affects the way I behave, I am responsible for someone who does. People look at me, and my kiddo like we are freaks when she is low and can't stop crying. I get looks like "God woman, your kid is a brat" when she is like this and there is truly nothing I can do to help her except get her the food she needs to feel better, for now. I can only imagine the way you feel...
I can relate to the poor feeling. While are are finally clawing our way out of being desperately poor, we have been that way for several years and it's been hard. Not having money isn't easy, and you are right, we are judged on that. It sucks, it isn't right, but unfortunately we live in a society where all things are based on money.
But, you do have worth. You have worth because the way you are able to write about these things is uplifting, and for so many other reasons. But, especially tome, to people like you and I, who live life struggling every step of the way. Sure, writing about it may not make it all go away, but it will show you that you have worth because it touches other people. Your struggles, your ability to sort of bring us all together and maybe not feel so alone in this struggles.
Sure, friends are picky and maybe they just don't get it. I admit, I don't. I didn't. Whatever. I was a shitty friend to you. Unfortunately, sometimes things conflict and all we can do is preserve ourselves. It really is more about the other people than it is about you, I speak from experience.
posted by
RachelAnna
on November 14, 2005 at 12:20 PM
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Being poor really sucks...
being really, seriously poor fucks with all other joys. No matter how good you are in so many other ways, in this society we are always judged on financial success...hope you feel better soon, and make a bunch of money...
posted by
jimmy68
on November 14, 2005 at 8:36 AM
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thats how I feel when I talk to my friends (and cousins) too
posted by
FreeManWalking
on November 14, 2005 at 7:36 AM
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