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Koda
I was closer to all this when I was 17 then I feel now. I've had two direct hits in the last 7 years. The first spouse had a mental break. It's having someone die but having them still walk around in front of you...then having to explain to the kids that no, they won't be like that when they get older.
My friends have always described me as the strongest person they know. Even with what I'm saying here, I actually agree. This is just venting. In the end, I do it. Even with all the practicality behind me, I've had this weird little kid optimism. I still blush to an embarrassing point. I really, really don't want to change that. You're right, I am happy with who I am, and I think the current spouse got that I wasn't going to be bullied into being a Barbie doll. It doesn't work for me, and I've never seen anyone who did it get rewarded for it, let alone be able to look herself/himself in the mirror.
You'll appreciate this. The first time, I ended up going from an estate to a basic suburban home which had been destroyed by the person I rented to. (Nightmare, no kidding...I had to rip out the toilets and the like...that's how disgusting the place was.) After several months of coming home, cleaning, vacuuming up dead mice, painting, ripping up carpeting...oh and a month of not having a kitchen sink...there came this one day. The kids had gone to friends for the weekend. I was sitting on the new sofa I'd gotten of my choosing, and there was no grunt work to be done. It was just me.
I looked around, and this overwhelming sense of relief came about me. It just sort of popped out, and evolved into a book title that a friend and I started to work on: "I don't need a man. I have cable."
I unpacked books that I'd gotten lost with for so many hours for so many years. It was incredible. Serenity and peace. I've always been a loner, so I don't need someone to make me happy. I don't trust someone to make me happy, and never have. I'm hanging curtains I couldn't hang because #2 couldn't decide on a color or criticized everything, etc. I'm getting a car that doesn't need power mirrors because I won't have to worry about someone changing my mirrors. This one adjusted my seat all the time because he said I was sitting in the wrong spot. How did I get dressed by myself all those years.
It's just the stupidity of it all that gets me. I know better. I was trying to be that rescuer/fixer. That's the part I have to lose.
Your advice is dead on. I'm not at that place to be honest. I have to get the smoke to clear a bit to be able to hear my own voice. When I don't have the paperwork of going over my life with a comb, then I'll have that time to do my stuff again. I really do look forward to that. Just the simple changes I've made have given me a good sense of peace.
posted by
terpgirl30
on September 5, 2005 at 10:19 AM
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I'm with you...
I have been married and divorced twice.I never wanted to be married or have kids (I have 4 kids). My mom told me when I was little , I came home from second grade and flatly stated that I never wanted to be married or have kids. Out of the blue and matter of factly. Of course at the beginning all is well and happy in the world of make believe. Then reality kicks in. Bills, kids, work,laundry etc. etc. Things arent so make believe anymore. I ended up in a bad way, tryng to committ suicide. Thats how I was trying to cope...and no I am definately not recommending that route! My best advice would be to start getting to know yourself better. I stopped looking for someone to complete me. I started looking for someone to just hang with, to go to movies with. In essence I had given up looking for someone to make me happy and started trying to make myself happy.I didnt know who I was but I was looking for someone to make me happy. It just doesnt work that way.Take some time...let it all go and see what happens. Trusting another will be hard and being hurt sometimes is inevitable, but you can't let that stop you from living life to the fullest! Good Luck! :)
posted by
KODACHROME1970
on September 5, 2005 at 6:21 AM
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Lawyers are like guns.
Don't brandish them, use them.Or the other guy will first.
posted by
majroj
on August 30, 2005 at 5:19 PM
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You're both right.
So far we're doing this without lawyers. Last night when he got uppity, I gave him the "fine" and just gave him my lawyer's name. I don't think he believed I had one before that. He stayed home from work today, distraught he says, to come up with a counter...and it goes on.
On the upside, a friend gave me a butterfly egg yesterday, and today the thing is almost 1/2 an inch long. It's fun to see it grow before your eyes.
posted by
terpgirl30
on August 30, 2005 at 3:50 PM
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Terp - Majroj is very smart
Right now you are going through a grieving process. When you heal, you will be able move on. It takes time.
posted by
mikea18
on August 30, 2005 at 3:33 PM
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Haven't been there. But I know one shouldn't do two things as an adult:
1. Wear your heart on your sleeve for just anyone. (Anonymous blogging doesn't count unless you start emailing people).
2. Make decisions, especially about the rest of your life, while in duress.
Stick to the tactical situation of settling with Mr. Wrong (with your ally, Mr. Lawyer) right now. Make sure your physical and emotional needs are known to your lawyer, get documentation from your M.D., etc. Then settle it and let it go.
Then get on with your new life. The best revenge is to live well. Things will happen, don't hurry them, and don't get into the myth of the "planned life" either as a participant or by beating yourself up over it. Life is what happens while you are busy planning for it, someone wrote. People who tell you their lives turned out as they planned were either lucky, amnesiac about their plans, or liars; in any event, they had to have missed a lot of opportunities along the way. And on the way out the door after saying that to you they can slip on a banana peel...
posted by
majroj
on August 29, 2005 at 10:04 PM
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