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Reni, yeah, shocking is the perfect word...I was shocked, too.
All I can tell you with certainty is that this is a pattern for him, and the rest, as you said, is left up to wondering. Even he doesn't really know or understand it. He doesn't process emotions well...live consciously. I have ideas as to why, the deep why, but nothing I would put here. It's been exceptionally hard, but I'm getting better every day. Thanks for being so sweet and supportive. I appreciate it. If I told you the whole story, plus some stuff I just found out, you'd probably wanna use those skills a bit. ;)
posted by
Temple
on July 27, 2005 at 8:25 PM
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Temple--Meant to tell you how sorry I was for all of this. I found out
the other day when I returned to Blogit and was deeply shocked. I even read some of Jimmy's posts and it has amazed me how quickly he has changed his tune. Sad, really. You have to wonder if someone can really change their feelings so quickly or if they just kept it hidden. Either way it's alot to think about for anyone. Drink a cup of tea, cuddle a kittie. I'm sure you'll come out even stronger than before....Good luck. Oh, and I do know some karate...*wink wink*
I could take care of some things for you...
posted by
Renigade
on July 27, 2005 at 7:11 PM
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It's good to see you Kiddo, it's been a long time.
Yeah, you sum it up pretty well there...and I can tell by the words you chose you know how it feels inside. Our situations are obviously vastly different, but losing someone...and to another woman (however it happens) is monumentally painful. Each comes with it's own special type of pain...and those questions we ask ourselves. I'm sorry for what's going on with you. I am lucky in that Jimmy would never do something like that to me, torture me that way emotionally. Anything he has done that has been insensive wasn't intentional, but it does make you want to puke, yep, that's a good way to say it. It's amazing how when this happens, your body feels it physically. I called it the tornado of hell....my heart breaking, my stomach was just sick...like something was scooping out my insides from my belly to my chest. You deserve a better man, sweetie. They all won't do that. Even though this didn't work out, Jimmy's actions weren't malicious so I don't hate him, I just wish things didn't hurt so much. Thanks for your comment, you can write as long as you want. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad, but it makes me feel good to know that you understand.
Posted by Temple on July 14, 2005 at 4:51 AM (permalink)
when you are the one left hurting, and they are the one out there NOT
hurting all happy and shit with someone all sweet and new, (everything grows old, so smile for that) it makes you doubt what you are. (from experience) "Am I that easy to get over? What we had wasn't worth just a few of the nights like I have spent so far sick as a dog trying to breathe as I vomit? Am I that easy to forget? Wasn't what I gave to you and all I tried to help you become special?" I guess sometimes through all this pitiful display of agony I throw sometimes the real question I want answered is, "DAMMIT YOU FUCKER! HOW COULD YOU JUST PISS ON ME AND NOT GIVE ONE LITTLE SHIT?!" And the answer for me I'm sure would be patronizing, or just a big fat lie. Truth is, there is nothing wrong with me. My heart gave but gave to the wrong hand. As far as reading about the new girl...I'm sorry. That would make me want to puke. Hey, at least he didn't drive over to your house in the bitch's car to tell you he has found some pussy that is better looking and than you and he isn't going to hide his need for her sex. As he continued to tell me she is all he ever wanted (works at a dollar store - price checker of the month - she and her parents are junkies...reach for them stars asshole) I begin putting dents in her 1975 toyota station wagon. The real hurt that almost killed me, Temple, was him pulling me off her car to protect it. Then he worked to pop the dents out. He wanted to fix her busted ass stationwagon. Men. sorry so long...
Posted by Kiddo75 on July 13, 2005 at 4:02 PM (permalink)
Quirky, what you say is true.
Knowing it will pass does bring comfort....but knowing what we lose in the process and the fact that the time it takes so long to process....sometimes just knowing it doesn't satisfy me....doesn't take the pain away to know this, or even to get through it, I imagine it. My mind thinks of all the reasons he could have talked to me and we could have tried...my mind thinks of her and how she gets him now and how perfect it is. My heart just breaks over and over. I do what you say though, I focus on me, my writing, my blessings. Look for the light and dwell in the beauty in the life I have.
Posted by Temple on July 13, 2005 at 2:39 PM (permalink)
Symphony, you're heart is so big, and you are such a sweetheart.
You don't have to feel guilty, please don't. I was writing mostly elsewhere, and even so, you have a lot of friends here to keep up with. It's not anything you should worry bout for one second. Sometimes I'm okay, sometimes I'm not, and sometimes I'm something like okay but not quite. Thank you on the email offer. I just might do that. :)
Posted by Temple on July 13, 2005 at 2:26 PM (permalink)
Yes, you will be okay...it is going to take some time. It would be painful for me also to read about an ex's new relationship, esp. so soon after breaking up. But keep writing, keep focusing on the small little things you're grateful for...and this too shall pass.
Posted by Quirkyalone on July 13, 2005 at 9:23 AM (permalink)
I am so sorry, I didn't know any of this...
I feel so guilty for not being here for you...I sure hope you are ok.... - please take care and email me anytime.
Posted by SYMPHONY on July 13, 2005 at 9:13 AM (permalink)
Hi mystic....
I can't control my emotions like that, I don' t know how you do it. I wish I could, because right now he's falling in love with another woman, so you'd think I'd have the good sense not to love him anymore. But, I don' t think deep, true emotions can just go away. Just shoved down or numbed out only to show up in weird ways later....so I let myself grieve.
But, maybe you could give me a lesson anyway? ;)
Posted by Temple on July 13, 2005 at 3:12 AM (permalink)
HG, yes, I think you do know how I feel.
I'm beginning to understand some things, but not completely. I don't know how I could have meant what he said, but now....but life is funny. I have to just let it sort itself out. A special person, a big love in my life, we taught each other that love isn't really love if you don't wish happiness for that person -- with or without you. It's hard as hell, but if you really love someone, if it's real love...and it's pure and true...you want them to be happy. It's learned, that's true, and it doesn't make it hurt less. Well, sometimes it does, actually. I struggle with it. Time will help.
I read your stories, which one made you kinda think of me? Thanks for being so sweet and supportive in all of this.
Posted by Temple on July 13, 2005 at 3:10 AM (permalink)
Of course I care ...
When some I care about no longer cares for me, I have the sense not to care about them in return.
With a little practice, this can be accomplished.
Welcome back!
Posted by fwmystic on July 12, 2005 at 9:21 PM (permalink)
PS
I kinda thought of you when I posted my latest short story.
Posted by HolyGrail on July 12, 2005 at 5:18 PM (permalink)
Temple
There's not much to say that I haven't said to you over email, but I will say that I am glad you're staying here. I know all too well the confusion and pain you feel when someone loves you dearly one day and leaves the next. My situation was different in that I knew why he left and it was a risk from the beginning...But still I thought I was worth the sacrifice. I guess I wasn't...I am glad that you are able to be happy for Jimmy on some level. Many people (including myself) are not that evolved.
Posted by HolyGrail on July 12, 2005 at 5:01 PM (permalink)
Hi May, nice to see you after so long.
I wonder why you see that it's best for us not to be friends? We decided this going in, so now it's something we both want. I realize there are obstacles, but I've always been friends with ex's....but never before did they start seeing someone immediately. We don't know how, or if I guess, it will work....but I have to try. There are just some things to be sorted and mended. I don't know how any of it will work, only time will tell.
Posted by Temple on July 12, 2005 at 4:49 PM (permalink)
Temple, I have been away until a few days ago and have only just caught up. As you say - you will care until you don't and hurt until you don't - there is nothing else for it. I understand your wish for it, and in your shoes I would be the same, but I can see now that is best to let go the notion of building the friendship again. I used to seek that and it never worked except in two cases where the friendship had been long and deep before. But hey, you do what you need to do.
Posted by MayB on July 12, 2005 at 3:39 PM (permalink)
RachelAnna.
Your pride holds weight. It's other things that have broken my heart, that I don't understand. But, I'm glad you read and are glad for me anyway. The thing is, the beautiful person doesn't disappear even in the pain -- she just needed a little extra help, even if her methods weren't always the best. I will find my way through, I always do. That's all I ever tried to say was bear with me for now.
Posted by Temple on July 12, 2005 at 1:48 PM (permalink)
FactorFiction, yes stop reading....sure...
I tried not to when I saw it, but I'm glad I did. It hurts, but I realize things now that I needed to know about him and who he is...who I was to him...and what is happening now. I think I've been in some bubble or something for a long time. You didn't put your foot into your mouth at all. :) I appreciate your perspective. He clearly has found something I cannot give him, but whether or not he ever realizes it was real with me remains to be seen for both of us. The sad part of that is it feels so interrupted, and realizing that down the line just means we lost something great...doesn't necessarily mean that we could ever get it back. I don't like regret, but that will be one. I appreciate your comment, it was good to hear, thank you. :)
Posted by Temple on July 12, 2005 at 1:44 PM (permalink)
Krisles...wow....you get to me a lot these days...
Not around but so very there, yes, that's a good way to describe it. What you said is true....I want for him what I said, but I do want some comfort for me, too. Jimmy will always have a piece of my heart, and in more ways than I can say, there will be a scar. Thank you for such a heartfelt comment....I'm writing you back so you should have email soon.
Posted by Temple on July 12, 2005 at 1:38 PM (permalink)
AnnandBenjamin.
Thank you
Posted by Temple on July 12, 2005 at 1:35 PM (permalink)
Awesome.
I'm glad you are in a place where you can comfortably sort through things. I'm glad you have good friends and a support system to help you move beyond this place when you are ready. I
'm proud of you, even if my pride holds no weight. I'm glad to again get a hint of the beautiful person underneath all the pain.
There is no doubt in my mind that good things will come to you sooner rather than later...
Posted by RachelAnna on July 12, 2005 at 8:50 AM (permalink)
Temple
Your post reminded me very much of my past too. I had just read Jimmy's too. And I remembered it but, from his point of view. (Now stop reading Jimmy!)
The thing is it was a distance between us and I did the leaving because I needed someone who was _there_ at that time. I also jumped head-over-heels into another relationship, pouring all of the love that I felt for one into the next, and did not stop to ponder the first. But it was submerged, way far down in my psyche. One day, it popped to the surface unplanned...and after being eternally grateful that I did not marry the latter guy, I realized that it had been real with the first. (though long past) I guess my point is, that if there is something Jimmy needs right now that he can't find with you, it does not necessarily mean that your relationship was less than what you thought before he needed something more/else.
Okay I don't know whether that makes it worse or is just confusing, but I'll comment anyway. Open mouth, insert foot.
Posted by FactorFiction on July 12, 2005 at 6:24 AM (permalink)
Your posts about you and Jimmy bring back many memories to me of a time long ago...more years than many here have been alive...odd, his name was Jim..I looked at Jimmy and he looked much like him..and one of our favorite books was Stranger in a Strange Land...the initial leaving he took of me...you remind me so much of myself...but that will be the end of the similarities as he was a soul not meant for this world...I wrote of us in my post about trains wrecking. I just wanted you to know that you touch me...my heart aches...and I know how it is to tear apart from a best friend/lover who is still very much around and just so very there - and the best part of you really does want the best for him...but you hurt so very much...and you want something for yourself, too...some answer, some comfort, some relief...the clock to turn back...the end not to have happened...to go back to sleep and wake up and it all to have been a dream...at least some part of you wants that. I have loved others since...there is still a place in my heart...it's pulsing a little now because I had been writing about him and thought about him more than I had in years, actually....so it's kind of serendipitous that our paths should cross. He was a scar on my heart that I guess I had just sort of torn open and let bleed a little bit....Jimmy will always be for you, too...but it will be a scar....I promise...I know you know that in your head right now, can say it, smile very convincingly to everyone and yourself.....but it is true...he will be a scar.
Posted by Krisles on July 12, 2005 at 4:35 AM (permalink)
Glad to read your update here.
Posted by AnnAndBenjamin on July 12, 2005 at 4:31 AM (permalink)
well, Cass, could you draw out a map for me to that light?
I'll need a flashlight, a compass, maybe some waders and some cookies. Might be a long road. What hurts me now is not the obvious things actually, but in time, you're right....all with time. Let's hunt down time and kill it! ...lol...there she is....xoxo
oh, as far as eating, you know I'm never very good, but I'm trying....k....;)
Posted by Temple on July 12, 2005 at 4:14 AM (permalink)
I'm smiling here all the way across the world. Not smiling because of your pain, but because I think you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, or at least I can see the light for you. I'm glad you will start looking after yourself (and eating) because you are the most important person in your life and a very important person in many other lives. I so know where you are and the journey is not pleasant, but the tunnel can only last for so long. xoxo
Posted by Ca88andra on July 12, 2005 at 3:51 AM (permalink)
posted by
Temple
on July 23, 2005 at 5:08 AM
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