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Joe_Love
Thank you. It is quite a story....and this is just the very end of it...it was a long drama....I just wish it wasn't a true one. Thanks for reading.
posted by
Krisles
on July 9, 2005 at 12:20 AM
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Ohmy! What a great story!
There's this song that I really like. In that song, the lyrics refer to a "car crash of a heart". Though I always thought I knew what that meant, I guess I didn't. Very nice entry.
posted by
Joe_Love
on July 9, 2005 at 12:18 AM
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strat
I knew that you would understand...and I forgot to tell you that I'm really sorry you lost your friend, too.
posted by
Krisles
on July 8, 2005 at 10:17 PM
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Wow. As always, you leave me breathless,
But I'm not sure Rob wrecked his train. He was truly more of an 'everything he touches turns to sh*t' kinda guy. I think he just hit a point where it simply wasn't worth it to go on with the trip, and he opted out.
but this time in a different way.
I'm still angry as hell, as are all of his friends, because whether you stop or wreck, the carnage lies in the souls of everyone else left to sift through the shards. I think it was very much the wrong decision to make, if for no other reason than it's one that you can't get a do over on, unless you screw it up the first time.
On the other hand, I lost a good friend, whihc is uneccesarily painful -- but you watched this horror show happen with a lover and soul mate starring center stage. That sort of pain goes beyond anything I could have possibly experienced at this point in my life. So yeah, of course your take on this is going to be vastly different from mine. And I feel for you, but I cannot possibly imagine the pain that one caused.
Bless you my dear Kris. No wonder you're such a powerful writer. I think you really have lived, and continue to fiercely do so.
That's strong.
posted by
strat
on July 8, 2005 at 7:31 AM
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self destruction is horrible to watch, though i admit i have not seen it to the level you witnessed with him.
i agree, shock is very useful. (i think that was the word you used....)
posted by
mmm-w
on July 7, 2005 at 9:27 AM
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Very moving
hard to read as I'm sure it was hard to write. You handled the writing very well. Through your words, it's a tragedy that touches each of us who read it. 
posted by
Witchflower
on July 7, 2005 at 8:50 AM
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kingmi
He was the Jim of my R&S posts that I've written..and will write many times in the future, I'm sure.....such a waste....I've dealt with several through the years in my career and having lost him helped me to help other people...that was the silver lining I tried to take from it. Thanks, kingmi.
posted by
Krisles
on July 6, 2005 at 11:48 PM
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Krisles, I am so sorry! I've lost a few that way -- not exactly that way.
posted by
kingmi
on July 6, 2005 at 11:43 PM
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kingmi
No, actually, the sheriff thought he may even have tried to make it look that way for his parents' sake but there was no doubt from the investigation and the autopsy...angle, fingerprints...because it was so hard to accomplish..it was a rather gruesome entry wound, etc.....I got all the facts (investigation was my career)..he was really out of his head at the end. Suicide is self-murder.
posted by
Krisles
on July 6, 2005 at 11:29 PM
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Krisles, that is such an odd way to die. Is it possible that he was done
in? Run through by a bad guy?
posted by
kingmi
on July 6, 2005 at 11:12 PM
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mmm_w
You are such a dear...yes, you would have been very young. I was able to stay level headed...shock is a very useful thing...I think part of me was prepared for something terrible...it was about six months of hell in coming. I was trying to stop him from hurting himself when he grabbed my arm and it snapped my radius in two...that was a month before he did it and something in him kind of snapped when he realized he had hurt me, he quit raging with his drinking and just got really drunk and passed out and didn't want to even be around me except to take care of me while I was mending...luckily, my daughter was on her visit in Texas. It was, like I said, he threw me off the train....damn, now i cn't seem to stop talking about it.
posted by
Krisles
on July 6, 2005 at 10:29 PM
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thats horrible, but normal...
it is so sad that we people are so quick to pass the blame and hold others responsible when something happens...... as if it makes things seem clearer.... i am so sorry he blamed you. that had to be hard, esp. like you said with the guilt you already felt..... i wish i had known you then. (was it when i was very young????) i wish i had known you as an adult then...... i don't like to see people hurt but i seem to be the "level headed" one in a crisis.......
such a raw post...... i have thought about it throughout the day.
oh, i don't want to die by 35... and it doesn't depress me either. i have just always felt that. my theory is that when i was little something happened "large and traumatic" around the time i knew my mom was 35... not sure......
posted by
mmm-w
on July 6, 2005 at 9:59 PM
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mmm_w
Please get that thought out of your mind because you have already accomplished so much...if nothing else, just look at your little girl!! Plus, even with natural causes, people can often almost program themselves somewhat with a lifespan...I learned that with all the investigation on the whole issue I did after his death. And, no, we didn't remain all that close. We hadn't been before actually, because of the ex-wife situation. She had been like a daughter to them and they hadn't disliked me at all but she had remained in contact with them after they had initially gotten back together the first time, before we had met.....my daughter was around them quite a bit and they were crazy about her but I just didn't let myself get real wrapped up with the whole group. Then, his brother sort of turned on me afterwards and almost blamed me for not getting them more involved to stop it...as if I hadn't already done enough of that myself....his brother had a lot of guilt and was deflecting...that part didn't last long and his mom was great about it, we did cards a long time but over the years I married and we just let it go. Then they retired and moved out of the city before I moved back.
posted by
Krisles
on July 6, 2005 at 7:57 AM
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you had
mentioned that before about his age and what he had said........
totally unrelated but not really, i have always believed i wouldn't live past 35..... i don't say it often, but since i was little i always thought that..... ever since i turned 25 i have had a tough time feeling like i have accomplished much..... etc....
are you still close/in touch with his family?
posted by
mmm-w
on July 6, 2005 at 7:44 AM
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Usual
You've got me crying now and I made it through writing the dang thing dry-eyed! Thank you for your hug and for being you. I look forward to reading about your weekend because I missed you. I did so love that man and I haven't ever been the same for having had him in my life....that's a good thing, and a bad one...but everything in life worth writing home about has a little of both of those flavors in it, doesn't it...just wish this story had ended a little sweeter.
posted by
Krisles
on July 6, 2005 at 7:41 AM
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My God.
I've had chills for the entire ten minutes it took me to read this post. I can't even begin to wrap my brain around what you must have gone through in the wake of such a horrible passing. Getting to "know"you here, I've understood for a while now that people of you ilk (the really great kind) don't get that way through never experiencing the bad in life. I'm really glad you're here.
posted by
UsualSuspect
on July 6, 2005 at 7:28 AM
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mmm_w
I obviously haven't slept! I meant it was a very long time ago....his was a very short life. Another thing that might be of interest I didn't put in this post....he always said he wouldn't live past 30...he died just over a month past his birthday.
posted by
Krisles
on July 6, 2005 at 7:27 AM
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mmm_w
I just realized the opening paragraph was missing. I didn't mean to start out with Strat's name for people to see in the opener....you know, any sort of tease. I had been thinking about it since he wrote that post and just finally had to get at least the basic bottom line of it out. The four years involves a lot of posts!! Thanks for your words...he was a major force in my life, it was a very long life and most of the time it's really not that raw a wound...just a head shake..a dimple in my cheeks when my lips purse that my daughter recognizes if something in a movie reminds me of him. But, that train analagy was so completely perfect...I'd never thought of it that way...
posted by
Krisles
on July 6, 2005 at 7:26 AM
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wow....
since you mentioned it some time ago, i had been wondering if you would talk about this.....
how horrible.... there really isn't much else to say. I want to say sorry that it happened, that he felt forced to do that, that it hurt you..... but what good does that do? and i know you didn't write the story to hear "sorry" anyhow.....
you wrote it beautifully. i imagine it was hard. hard to see it there, flashing on your screen...
posted by
mmm-w
on July 6, 2005 at 7:16 AM
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