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maryx
it's guilt that drives the needs we have. stop the comparison, and the guilt stops. that's how i resolved this matter with my mom-by watching myself. what was i being in relation to her? when i stopped comparing everything, i was free of the negative effects; i.e., the reactions.
posted by
avant-garde
on July 3, 2005 at 12:39 AM
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Avant,
It is so hard not to react to those triggers. Especially in those moments, when you really want them to do what parents are supposed to, eg, give unconditional support and love, and then wham, here it comes again, the qualifier, the put-down.
I can think I'm fine, that I have figured her and myself out, and I won't play games anymore. I think I'm not going to react, but after it's over, I'm hit with hypersensitivity to implied criticism, reactions to the past. But if she comes over for a visit, I have to clean. Gift buying with its implicit giving, evaluations, approval, receiving is another land mine.
posted by
Blanche.
on July 2, 2005 at 4:51 PM
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maryx
i don't think that i even realized that i was holding onto my anger, you know? it was just there,and i was used to it. but, sometimes things would trigger the deep hatred that would really eat me up inside. it wasn't until i started learning how to forgive that i saw the difference. it really has to do with the thoughts and what we choose to hold on to. i can remember vividly when i graduated from the fire academy, 2nd in my class of 39, how she acted proud, but i knew that there was a 'but, you know, you don't go to church anymore.' that was where the anger was coming from. she still does it to my wife, and i don't react anymore, so i know that i am healing.
posted by
avant-garde
on July 2, 2005 at 4:46 PM
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Avant-garde,
You got that right. In a word: family dynamics. I have carried a lot of anger around towards my family and stepparents. It wasn't til mom and her husband moved up here so he could get a lung transplant, even after that, I still held onto the resentment that she'd never been there for me. It was a painful realization that she didn't see me the way I hoped she would: as her child, but somehow, ingrained in her, she seemed to see me as a rival, someone to compete against, to one-up. I thought that she was so brow-beaten by my stepfather that she just went along with leaving me to deal with my emotional issues in hospitals.
I left her 20 years, ago, but she's still inside my head. Now, I am thankful that she did move up here, so that I could see as an adult, how my reactions to her shaped me and that I am like her in some ways and not in others.
The anger is subsiding, the roots of it buried in the pain, but at this age, how can I justify hanging onto old childhood needs and angers?
posted by
Blanche.
on July 2, 2005 at 4:15 PM
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maryx
it wasn't until i got away from her by moving up here that i could actually love her for who she is. i hated her for a long time, and the defensiveness and bitterness i felt toward her was palapable. i couldn't talk to her about anything without getting aggravated. when i was 26 and was having a great deal of emotional problems, i asked her how to deal with it. she said, 'block it out.' i knew that wasn't right and eventually went to a psychologist, which started the healing. when i had a breakthrough a couple of years later, i tried to help her. she basically told me i was crazy and going to hell. it's been a long road with her, but i had to learn forgiveness to let it all go. now when she talks i just kind of smile, and know that she is only hurting herself. my wife gets angry at her, and i just tell her that getting angry doens't solve anything. family dynamics. whew!
posted by
avant-garde
on July 2, 2005 at 4:02 PM
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avant-garde,
When you can see her like that, doesn't it make you feel sorry for her, despite her abuse, that even though she chose to perpetuate it, it was so deeply ingrained in her, that she couldn't believe in the love and forgivness of God, the acceptance and understanding?
posted by
Blanche.
on July 2, 2005 at 2:18 PM
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maryx
she always controlled us with fear, because that's what she was taught. her mother was spiteful and abusive. i remember one time, my oldest sister and brother were supposed to be taking a nap, and were bouncing on the beds. she went upstairs and put on a devil mask and peeped in on them. they turned white. she said, 'You two better get to sleep.' they still remember that, even though they were very little when it happened. she is very afraid of death, of hell, of losing her mind, etc. sometimes i think it's already lost.
posted by
avant-garde
on July 2, 2005 at 2:13 PM
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Avant-garde,
How could she say that? Because that was what she was taught I suppose. And those voices, of our formative years, can we ever silence them? Or is it an argument? A debate inside ourselves? I wasn't raised to believe in anything, so I am finding my own way, out of the lost darkness.
posted by
Blanche.
on July 2, 2005 at 2:08 PM
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maryx
what a brilliant comment. i think that when we are the most lost that we are the closest to understanding. i've been afraid to speak the truth in my heart, because my mother has openly said that 'you're going to hell. your family's going to hell.' how can a mother say that to her son? but, there it is. so, i approached my book writing and this blogging defensively at first, until i realized that i was the one who was holding myself back. you will be treated the way you treat people. it is as simple as that. thank you.
posted by
avant-garde
on July 2, 2005 at 2:05 PM
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Avant-garde,
So very true, this need for approval, for conditional acceptance. Even after the truth became apparent to me, that those who seek to control know how to use it against me or anyone who seeks their approval: parents, employers, the world in general. It becomes a sick game, the carrot and the stick. I saw it in my mother then in myself.
Even after becoming conscious of this need, I still fall into it, then aware more and more that I am not really relating or connecting, that my need or neediness, negates any form of real connection. So, as I become more aware that only God can fill that need and that He is within me, I turn inward, but I am constantly becoming aware of these hooks of pain and pleasure, craving and fear that seek to pull me away from my connection to him. I have to remind myself constantly that the approval of others and other external things are just temprary fixes, and that those needs become more insistent and demanding the more that I fill them or attempt to.
So, I have to watch myself, am I really writing for approval or am I saying what's in my heart: a little of both, I think. I censure myself from saying things that I believe will make me unpopular, keep things back, to create a more pleasing image, but still the more I realize that in truth, pleasing God is through loving others, reaching out to him, then I struggle to overcome these approval-seeking and other cravings. Good post, thank you.
posted by
Blanche.
on July 2, 2005 at 1:49 PM
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numinous
and when we taste freedom, even for a moment, it is never forgotten. thanks.
posted by
avant-garde
on July 2, 2005 at 1:42 PM
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Avant_Garde
SO VERY true. The fear of public opinion is second only to the fear of death. When we conquer those fears we are truly free. :)
posted by
Numinous
on July 2, 2005 at 1:01 PM
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hollee
i still find myself caught in it sometimes. but, at least now i recognize it for what it is.
posted by
avant-garde
on July 2, 2005 at 10:27 AM
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tapsel-t
it would be exactly what we want, without having to search for it!
posted by
avant-garde
on July 2, 2005 at 10:26 AM
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Avant-garde--I have done this most of my life. Gave it up about age 40
and have lived somewhat more peacefully.
posted by
Hollee
on July 2, 2005 at 5:58 AM
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Avant-garde, isn't it amazing how we all get caught up in that poor self-image thing and yet we each think "I am the only one". What an amazing thing it would be if we all got it right, all at the same time.
posted by
TAPS.
on July 2, 2005 at 5:49 AM
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