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Hacker,
I just dropped in to see what condition your condition was in (old seventies song, in case you don't get the reference, but I'm not sure what). Althougn, I've read most of your latest postings, including your happy one, I chose to respond to this one, because it's the latest dialog we've had. Man, you know, it's a weakness of mine that I want to help you. But, I've come to the conclusion that only something deep and internal, some encounter with the divine, can change your heart and soul. Something like Paul's encounter with the Christ on the road to Damascus, a lightning bolt to knock you on your ass and feel the power.
For me, it was in a jail cell in county jail after I was arrested for "verbal assault" on my neighbors in a total psychotic rage. There was no one left to manipulate, to put on a facade for. I have never heard voices, but I feel "energy", thermal energy, that responds to my thoughts, that recognizes God. Take that for what you will. I'll check back in a day or two, while I figure out what the problem is with my drivers. My eyes are glazing over with the tech talk. Peace, bro.
posted by
Blanche.
on March 25, 2005 at 4:43 PM
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Mary
Hey! It’s good to hear from you again. No worries about being reluctant to invite me over to your house; I can’t say that I blame you. Most people who know about my little habits do their best not to involve me too deeply in their lives. Some do, however, although that is mostly out of pure stupidity. They learn to love the false funny and outgoing side of me and decide that it’s no big deal that I get off on their pain. But, then there are some who genuinely accept the fact that there’s something “wrong” with me, and are willing to learn to accept and deal with that. Those people are few and far between, however. You have to REALLY care about someone to be ready to put yourself up to the task of being close to someone with these “problems”. There is something wickedly fun about seeing disaster, isn’t there? Ah, but the morally sound person will do their best to hold back those feelings of pleasure when they see a terrible tragedy. But where’s the fun in that?
Now, what you really need to ask yourself is: If I had never mentioned this, would you still steer clear of me? That’s the best part, people are so trusting of a kind and caring person. And hey, I wouldn’t destroy you. Maybe just dismantle you some. Nothing that couldn’t be put back together with some honest work. And you never know, things might work more smoothly after a little rebuilding. ;)
Thanks for stopping in. It’s always good to hear from you.
posted by
Unidentified_Hacker
on March 21, 2005 at 3:57 PM
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Unidentified Hacker, first off, thanks for stopping by. You're one of the people I miss most about blogit, but I must admit I'd be leery about inviting you over for dinner. What you did was quite vile, but irresistible to watch, like a train wrck (when it's done to other people).
I'm sure you'd suss out my weaknesses and start doing a head trip and voila, there'd I'd be, right back to square one. After all, it's taken 40 plus years to recognize people like you and steer clear, but then again, one flirts with one's own destruction so prettily, don't we. Happy trails, partner.
posted by
Blanche.
on March 21, 2005 at 3:13 PM
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UH - Its never too late to begin working on change.
posted by
TAPS.
on March 21, 2005 at 12:01 PM
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Tapsel
You’re right that you have to set limits for yourself, and yes I can see how if you let yourself give in to certain behaviors, you become them. The thing is, these behaviors already are who I am. It’s so natural to me that I do unconsciously. When I meet someone new the first thing I do is find out what their sore spots are; what about their history and past makes them the most upset. I do it completely out of habit. I don’t see people, I see opportunities.
Without acceptance there can be no change
posted by
Unidentified_Hacker
on March 21, 2005 at 11:59 AM
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Factor
I certainly could relate stories to you of talking to voices that aren’t “real” and the years I spent convinced that my parents were impostors. Maybe I should do that to help give people a better perspective on schizophrenia. And yes, they would try and dissuade me from my Antisocial tendencies. Mainly from the fear that I might end up causing physical harm to myself and/or others. As for thinking too much, it’s one of my number one problems. But I love doing it, and it’s hard to tear yourself away from something you love.
posted by
Unidentified_Hacker
on March 21, 2005 at 11:55 AM
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Ariala
I would think we certainly could change ourselves to be better people. However, the drive and desire to change has to be incredibly strong I would imagine.
posted by
Unidentified_Hacker
on March 21, 2005 at 11:53 AM
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UnidentifiedHacker - Having fun at someone else's expense is often entertaining to think about, but it is not a great thing to carry out to fruition. That negative type of behavior grows on a person until it becomes him. One must set limits on oneself so that limits do not have to be set by others.
posted by
TAPS.
on March 21, 2005 at 11:47 AM
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Happy Spring UH
My head starts to hurt thinking about your post and right versus wrong. (sinuses still) Couldn't you do something nice and straightforward nuts like, ummm, relating a conversation between yourself and a pineapple?
What do you think they are trying to "fix?" That you get kicks from others' pain? Or is it more complicated?
Perhaps you spend too much time thinking? I used to have that problem myself. Can you find something else to occupy your thoughts?
Oh well, I am definitely not myself right now. Decreased brain function for certain. Y'want I should explain how much it pissers me off? 
posted by
FactorFiction
on March 21, 2005 at 11:01 AM
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I often wonder if being "ourselves" means choosing the worst qualities
within ourselves to live up to, because it takes less work...by worst I mean qualities we're not proud of, but that come easy to us. For you that might be seeing people suffer emotionally...for me it might mean bugging someone who irritates me...and so forth. Is the least common denominator or default that which we call "being ourselves" or can we choose to improve the self that acts in ways that might be harmful to others and to ourselves?
posted by
Ariala
on March 21, 2005 at 10:18 AM
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Rachel
Thanks. I'm just affraid that as I start to show more of myself to people, they won't want to be associated with me.
posted by
Unidentified_Hacker
on March 21, 2005 at 10:05 AM
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Mia
That must be it. Damnit! Who do I file a complaint with?!
posted by
Unidentified_Hacker
on March 21, 2005 at 10:04 AM
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Not screwed...
Just keep being you, even if that is imperfect. :)
posted by
RachelAnna
on March 21, 2005 at 9:59 AM
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Uni,
I have a feeling that what is considered insanity in this world, is something entirely different in another, and perhaps in that would you would be gifted....are you on the wrong planet?....a cosmic error perhaps?
posted by
MiaElla
on March 21, 2005 at 9:52 AM
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