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posted by daisysface on March 12, 2005 at 10:20 PM | link to this | reply

Mia, my wife died seven years ago

and I still think of her every day, but now I think only of the good things, not any more of the pain and suffering she had to endure for two years. May you find strength in the end and get a new grip on life.

Dirk (brabander)

posted by brabander on March 11, 2005 at 11:24 AM | link to this | reply

Mia, having been through the grieving several times myself,

I can tell you this. What you are experiencing is normal and there are several phases that you will go. Time will dull the pain, but that's over an extended period. I lost a child in 2000 and my mother in 2001, just after my son was born. Even though it's been so long, sometimes I still cry when I think about her. It may not seem like it now, but things will and do get better.

posted by word.smith on March 11, 2005 at 8:32 AM | link to this | reply

I would agree with Lady of Shallot that grief counseling might do you some good. I know it's hard, but it sounds like you're heading into clinical depression.

posted by tigerprincess on March 10, 2005 at 4:34 PM | link to this | reply

I think this is normal...

But don't quote me on that, since I am the farthest from "normal" that you might find.

But, since you were so close to your brother for so long, of course you are going to pull back from other people. You don't want to reach out and be understood or understand anyone so deeply, because that's scary, because it can all end again.

But, your brother's understanding of you has not ceased, nor your understanding of him. He's with you, he's always with you...

posted by RachelAnna on March 10, 2005 at 12:44 PM | link to this | reply

Mia,

I sort of understand what you're now going through. When my great grandfather died, I knew I'd lost my best friend. I loved my family, but (and I'm somewhat ashamed to admit this) in many ways he was more of a father to me than my own father. For months, I didn't want to see or be around most of my family. Whenever I was, it only reminded me that I'd never see him smile at me or laugh with me again.

Eventaully, things got better for me...Things will get better for you, too. For the moment, don't worry about how you're feeling or about being selfish. One important thing I will stress here is that you are NOT useless to your family or friends.

Take as much time as you need to grieve...Having said that though, please don't stop calling your friends or family...Please don't stop reaching out to them and letting them reach out for you. Your brother is still with you...He always will be, in your heart. He's watching over you, and he wouldn't want you to get so caught up in your grief for him that you stop living your life.

Take your time...Be sad, feel lost. Feel angry...shout at him if it will help you. It's okay to feel whatever you need to feel, but please don't let those feelings consume you. If you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to let me know.

My thoughts, prayers, and heart are with you, Mia...

posted by lovelyladymonk on March 10, 2005 at 12:24 PM | link to this | reply

MiaElla. Sister?

Memorials at the sites of traffic deaths get left alone here. They can remain for as long as the elements allow.

They are becoming more common at any violent death. I saw one where the family put out a buddha shrine with fruit, cigarettes, a newspaper(his job)I don't know of anyone except the most callow who would desecrate these spots.

I cannot imagine what it is like to lose a brother such as yours. Family is what it is. I have gone beyond any sense of false loyalty to my family. If I help or see any of them it is because I will want to and if I don't like the vibe I will exersize my right to leave.

With my mother especially I have no intention of ever having a conversation with her where I say to her anything that can be contradicted disagreed with, or devalued in some way. Any way.

She is toxic to me. If she read my blog she would have an inkling of why I feel this way. We can never have a conversation that doesn't leave me feeling I have failed.

Somewhere out in this world there is a free spirit named Manboy who wishes he could put his arms around you and hold you safe. Just like I am doing now.

You are safe and you are beloved. Your brother is still in love with you.

Manboy

posted by man-boy on March 10, 2005 at 11:02 AM | link to this | reply

I understand that, but It may be getting to the point of necessity

posted by ladyofshalott on March 10, 2005 at 10:58 AM | link to this | reply

lady,

I thought about it...but that requires energy of which I have none.

posted by MiaElla on March 10, 2005 at 10:42 AM | link to this | reply

Mia

Hey there, you sad girl. Have you considered grief counseling? Or a support group for lost family members? Maybe what you need right now is to connect to other people who know exactly what you're going through. Not just people who feel for you. I hope I didn't overstep my boundaries, I just want to help you in some way