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Thank You, WW...
...learning to live, rather than just survive, is crucial. No fear of any process involving self improvement here. But I'm just not willing to spend 5 more years digging up old bones to gnaw on anymore. I feel like that part of my life is finally DONE. Stick a fork in it. It was hard and it was scary, at times, and completely disorienting on a number of levels. But I feel like I've done something very important and very difficult; I have nothing left to prove to anyone, including myself.
But I do think folks need to know that you, or I, understand where they are coming from when they whine. I like to do the, "feel, felt, found," stuff when I start hearing those fingernails across the ol' chalkboard. "I understand how you feel....I felt the same way, myself, for many years....what I found out about myself was that not all of my wires were connected where they should be. I had to pull some out of the wall at a young age to get through it all. I didn't know I had a problem until I kept finding the same problems popping up in my life over and over again, and I got tired and angry at the monotony of it all.
So here's what I did...."
If a person isn't willing to pull outside of themselves long enough to hear what I have to say, I can't be of any help to them whatsoever. My mother was like that. Grin, smile, say something that sounded witty forty years ago, and completely refuse to identify with anyone other than herself. Very painful, but so beyond anyone's ability to reach. There was nothing that could be done.
However, I developed a high degree of stubborn persistence and perseverance as a result of trying to bring my mother, 'home," from the last trip to the Grin Bin. It comes in handy when I am helping people untangle themselves from their self pity and recognize that they have what it takes to put all of their history where it belongs: behind them.
posted by
Volaar
on December 25, 2004 at 4:31 PM
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I really like how you write
very insightful and thoughtful. You write very well.
Worrywort..........
posted by
worrywort
on December 25, 2004 at 12:47 AM
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I'm sorry
I hear what your saying. And to some degree agree a bit, in that I think I've been depressed a really long time. At other times I think I'm probably just lazy and weird, and twisted and warped and probably way too intelligent and insightful for my own good. You know? I love to intellectualize and analyze things down to a nats ass. I love to try and figure out why I or anyone does what they do. What caused me or us to do that? What was the MOTIVATION for that?
And I will say that in my youth I thought a great deal about ending it all. I never did anything about it, but I did think about it. Maybe I was using these thoughts of death and suicide as a controlling measure to try and control all those things I felt out of control about. But as I got older I realized that the point to living, is to live. That's the point.
We human beings are very resilient beings. We can go through so fucking much shit, and still survive. That's the point. The point is getting on with it, and living and not dwelling on all the weird fucking mind control bullshit someone else has tried to foster off on you. Do your own thing. Be a good person. Follow god's and man's laws. And live. That's the point. So you know? I may not get out much. I work way too much. I love to do things that keep me in and around my house. I've always been a home-body. It's in my nature and I like it and I don't have to feel bad about it or apologize for it. It's just me.
I've raised a healthy, fairly happy 23 yr old daughter that works really hard. She doesn't steal, or lie. She's very loyal and honest and responsible. She doesn't do drugs. She barely drinks and she's not out having tons of sex. She's a good friend, a good person and she likes to wear a lot of black. So what. She's a good person and I made her. What an accomplishment! I've done what I set out to do, make a healthy, happy individual. And she is that. And guess what? She likes hanging around me. Even better. I haven't alienated my off-spring to the point she has to move away. Wow.
This is the point. It really doesn't matter what happened when you were young or how you were raised, what matters is what your doing about it now. All the shrinks in the world, contemplating your navel isn't helping you or me or my daughter or anyone get along in this world, if they don't cover that simple fact. It's about getting along with everyone else. It's all about getting on with it and living.
Worrywort...........
posted by
worrywort
on December 25, 2004 at 12:45 AM
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I Hear Your Pain...
...and I know that there are a million other ways to ignore it, minimize it, stuff or otherwise distract yourself from it.
Without going into too much detail into your actual stuff, why don't you inventory just the crappy things that have happened to you since you left your family of origin/adopted home?
Look at the list very carefully. This is what holding on to your trauma has cost you personally -- above and beyond the actual traumatic events that distorted your life's path.
If you are on drugs (other than those prescribed by a psychiatric) or are drinking, you have to get off of them. Soon. They weaken your nervous system and prolong your pain. Not being able to feel the pain of the abandonment and betrayal will not help you move through it. You'll just have to keep coming back to it, over and over again.
Your fear of the pain is causing more damage to you than the pain of the healing itself.
Give yourself 24 hours before and after every session to take good care of yourself -- no arguments, no strong opinions, no dabbling in issues outside of your own recovery. This is YOUR time to be a self-centered child. You are the adult who must be there for YOU now. No one else is capable, or will be capable, of meeting your needs better than you are.
Be good to yourself. Nurture yourself. Give yourself the gift of your own life. Commit to being a participant, instead of a spectator, in your own reality. Learn how to feel again. Give yourself plenty of time for laughter and friendship. A network of friends is VERY important in dealing with this kind of work. If you can find one or two other people you can experience this process with, that might be a good idea. You may need 24/7 support from understanding people. People who know you now may not be able to be there for you.
You are very brave and courageous for trying to deal with these very painful issues. Always remember that you have no time for anyone who might shame you for wanting more from your own life.
posted by
Volaar
on December 13, 2004 at 12:58 PM
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i am in the midst of having to very soon relive the horrors
of my childhood. i am to speak my memories out loud. i am very scared. i do not want to do it. but i have been putting it off for a long time. i want to get passed all of the fear because i think that there will be agreat reward on the other side. i have already done so so so so so so much work on this... just staying alive is arduous. i see what lays ahead of me it seems insurmountable. i just want to fly away... why do i have to do this? i have already experienced so much pain!
posted by
mysteria
on December 13, 2004 at 10:42 AM
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