Go to I WRITE, THEREFORE I AM
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- Go to I have a question: just how DOES a human being learn to "LOVE THYSELF?"
Quirky - I find it interesting that I read this post just after I finished a book by Robin Norwood called "Women Who Love Too Much". Its the second Robin Norwood book I've read. I think I will post about it tomorrow.
posted by
Ca88andra
on October 17, 2004 at 3:32 AM
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man-boy,
you're very wise. Thanks so much for your insightful comment.
posted by
Julia.
on October 15, 2004 at 3:50 PM
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Wiley,
I don't know, it would be hard for me to comment if I read this somewhere else. But that said, I guess this was written on a more downward mental note and on most days, it's not this bad. Thanks for reading.
posted by
Julia.
on October 15, 2004 at 3:49 PM
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it is a hard one Quirks.
| I know all too well the feeling. For me it was knowing when I had truly 'died' to the dark possibilities within me. We need to keep reminding ourselves that what is true about us and what is good about us exists no matter what others think of us. I was raised by my mother to feel like I was a mistake. An accident. To them, maybe I was. But that does not have to define me. I get to do that. As my children will hopefully define themselves with a healthly elan. |
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posted by
man-boy
on October 15, 2004 at 3:32 PM
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QuirkyAlone
How does one comment appropriately to this?
I can feel your pain, and I am frustrated that I cannot pluck some truth from somewhere that will make your mind better.
Let me tell you this Quirky. I have a memory of a hurt in my head that will not go away.
And that memory too is all mixed up with another kind of father, a religious father, and I sought out psychotherapy.
And no it was not sexual abuse, it was mental abuse. So in a way this relates to you right?
Even today I wrote to that therapist who is now elderly like I am. And she will send me a helpful note and I shall carry on again for months of being alright.
Quirky I guess what I have sorted out here is, that some therapists do have the knowledge and training to help you deal with this.
Sorry for going on so long, but I do fel for you kiddo.Have a happy weekend
posted by
WileyJohn
on October 15, 2004 at 3:06 PM
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chelly,
it's better to look for the beauty within than without.
posted by
Julia.
on October 15, 2004 at 9:59 AM
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of all things to "discover" about oneself, we damage our own future from
our past. Thanks dad.. Well, the next one Im just gonna close my eyes cause Im pickin me an ugly one. They are usually nice, and if they aren't, wont hurt to leave em.
posted by
Kiddo75
on October 14, 2004 at 10:59 PM
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chelly,
well that's very interesting because I just realized that by choosing to not be with
any man (i.e., to be alone) I "picked"
my Dad, too!
posted by
Julia.
on October 14, 2004 at 10:57 PM
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You want proof that a dad either absent or present and horrible has awful
results? Go read my blogs. I went right out and picked my Dad. It didn't even occur to me until later on. I can read people so well, have wonderful insight, yet to myself? Blind as a damn bat. I just could not believe the horrible choices I had made over and over again. To this day, I don't speak to my dad. He was awful and still is. And I ran on out and got me a clone. Go figure. I guess one good thing could be this, I could be an after school special..
posted by
Kiddo75
on October 14, 2004 at 10:48 PM
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chelly,
some things are harder to overcome than others I guess. A little girl lacking a bond with her father is naturally going to have a difficult time with men later in life. Difficult, but not impossible. And I agree that we need to have laughter in our lives, it helps to deal with the serious aspects.
posted by
Julia.
on October 14, 2004 at 10:44 PM
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unicorn,
thanks for your comment.
posted by
Julia.
on October 14, 2004 at 10:34 PM
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Quirky, I know I joke a lot, but as I'm sure you know, sometimes we have
to make a bad thing funny just to make it tolerable. And you are right, it is amazing what happens to a child when the are discarded by a mom or a dad, or both. That ache of anger and hurt does not go away, and can turn you into something real ugly if you let it. I battle everyday things that I had pounded into me when I was little, it has to be true if it was told to you by your parents. You see your self then through broken eyes, and no matter how hard you try to better the mirror, it hurts to much to work on the eyes. I have forgiven since my mother passed away at a young age, but I cannot forget. Up until the day she died, I still could not hug her or let her see me cry. I tried, and I did "hug" her, but what was given to me was fear of showing any emotion or hurt. She could not see me hurt agian. Because when I did cry, she made me feel dirty. Beauty is what we give to others with our hearts and humanity. There is always someone who will think you are ugly, no matter what. I have many people rag and harp on me about my weight, to the point where it makes me that much skinner from depression about it. Best to find someone who loves the way you laugh, and loves the fact that you love them. Then there is beauty not to be beat.
posted by
Kiddo75
on October 14, 2004 at 10:19 PM
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thank you my not-so-grouchy grouch,
that last sentence is something I wrote a long time ago and try never to forget, because no pain does not mean I will necessarily be happy, it just means I'm not in pain. Thanks for commenting.
posted by
Julia.
on October 14, 2004 at 10:14 PM
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sassy,
your points are all worth spending some "thinking" time on. Thanks!
posted by
Julia.
on October 14, 2004 at 10:11 PM
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shavonne,
I find it interesting that you vacillate between the two extremes. Me, I seem to be pretty close to all or nothing.
posted by
Julia.
on October 14, 2004 at 10:09 PM
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I think
the ART of learning to love yourself is first forgiving yourself for your shortcomings and basically what the serenity prayer says; God grant me the Serenety to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. It also helps to realize that God has agape love for you.
posted by
PastorB
on October 14, 2004 at 9:26 PM
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jimmy,
thank you so much for your amazing words of wisdom.
posted by
Julia.
on October 14, 2004 at 9:22 PM
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Hollee,
yes that's definitely "bass-ackwards," as they say.
posted by
Julia.
on October 14, 2004 at 9:20 PM
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quirky
great last sentence (the other ones were good too! just thought that last line was, you know, profound). I imagine all of us who turn to all kinds of pain relief don't realize what we're doing -- drugs, abusive relationships, etc. it's quite natural to want pain to go away but man it's hard to see what we're doing. tg
posted by
tbgroucho
on October 14, 2004 at 9:11 PM
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Your not alone
I was also abandoned by my real father and I always wondered if I was an awful child. I never did get to meet him and he committed suicide when I was 15. I have a million and one questions for him, but will never get that chance to ask even one. I have learned to value myself by how I live my life. The choices that I make that affect others positively give me a certain amount of self worth. The way that I have raised my children, the way that I accept things that cannot be changed and the knowledge of knowing what I can change and doing something about it. The person that you are today is a direct result of these inner feelings. Don't dwell on the negative aspects, but instead gain power from it and the wonderful person that you have become despite the fact that you were abandoned. He didn't leave because he didn't love you, he left because he didn't know how to cope with life himself. Its hard to have another person be dependent upon you when you first cannot even depend on yourself.
posted by
Sherri_G
on October 14, 2004 at 8:54 PM
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Ariala,
thanks for your comment. It's not really about men so much as it is about myself, and I must learn to love "me" first and foremost.
posted by
Julia.
on October 14, 2004 at 8:42 PM
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I don't know. I've been trying to figure that out for the longest. Sometimes I like myself and sometimes I don't. When I'm around other people I think "Would I want to be that person?" I always answer no. I must like myself a whole lot more that I thought.
posted by
Shavonne
on October 14, 2004 at 8:25 PM
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It's always hard...
and men aren't the only ones who judge by appearances and stereotypes, learn that your self worth doesn't have to depend upon the opinions of others...and some of us look deeper than the surface...
posted by
jimmy68
on October 14, 2004 at 7:54 PM
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To begin to love oneself...
it is first necessary not to convince yourself that you are "good" or "bad", these are cultural labels and have little to do with our psyche. What needs to be done is to accept ourselves as we are, realize that there are reasons for this and forgive...not only those who have broken us, but ourselves, for being broken. This is more difficult than it sounds, but not impossible...
Try meditating on the serenity prayer, leave out God if you are uncomfortable with the term, but ask the universe for the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change what you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
The third part has always been my problem, but I am improving; and I am actually happy much of the time these days. A great improvement over alternating despair and formless rage...
posted by
jimmy68
on October 14, 2004 at 7:52 PM
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quirky - when you find out the answer - let me know.
I am still struggling with all the things in your first paragraphs. If a man loves me, I love myself. Awful feeling.
posted by
Hollee
on October 14, 2004 at 7:50 PM
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Quirky, you ask a lot of great questions. I don't think there's an
easy answer. I think the path is often hard. Unfortunately, men are more visual than we are, so they DO look at the externals. Doesn't sit well for us as we age...there are good men out there though that get beyond all that, but they're few and far between.
posted by
Ariala
on October 14, 2004 at 7:47 PM
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