Go to Flipping the Gidget
- Add a comment
- Go to Conversations with the demon.
my most beautiful of Heathers
Talking to you always brings me such happiness. You are one of the most genuine, loving, expressive people I've ever known. It always makes me happy to see you and see your comment on my page. I know you took thought in this one. They say we write best about what we know, which is, I suppose, why you like the writing here. Sadness follows me. Maybe not always, there is hope for that.
When you say that I will stretch out and bathe in the sun I believe you. Keep telling me. I believe you when you tell me I will find those things I seek. Even more so when I learned how you loved Ian into a better place. Maybe I have been so lucky to find this treasure in you and you can show me the way when it is so very dark. I'm simply mad about you, and I, too, am proud to call you my friend. You bring light and breezes and a lighter heart for me with you each time we speak. You're magic. I know Ian would agree. How lucky am I to have found you in the midst of all of this? Most excellent. Of course, we could never ever forget our raunchy wit and heavy doses of sex cake. Never. I will be over on that day long down the line when you begin breast feeding. 
Thank you, sweet Heather, for simply being the most lovely girl and such a tender soul...and for being my friend. 
posted by
Temple
on June 23, 2004 at 12:50 AM
| link to this | reply
Duckling, I said a lot in your comments, but still...
I am so happy to have you here. I love the idea of our parallel alternate universes, and the way you bring love here to me that way. I do feel loved at this moment. Moments can be fleeting, but here in this one, I do feel loved.
I know if anyone understands my battle with this demon, you do. I find comfort in that. Not that I wish it on you, but that there is another soul who knows the road there. The demon is indeed of my own creation...with help though, with help...but it is vulnerable to the light. I think you are right, and my spirit will prevail. Learned too much, come to far to stop now. If only I never had to go back there, but it is part of who I am. I'm sure you understand.
Thank you, as always, sweet Sparky for reading and leaving some wisdom behind. I've missed you.
posted by
Temple
on June 23, 2004 at 12:40 AM
| link to this | reply
Benzinha, I often wonder if we ever really understand the mystery of love.
Combined with complex and emotional people, it seems nearly impossible. I think I helped him leave earlier because I was insecure and needy...but our situation bred insecurity and I think he just has too much on his plate. I think you are right, he isn't totally aware of the effect being in Baghdad is having on him. I think any woman requiring anything of him right now would not be within his ability. He's one of my best friends in the world, and he's having a difficult time. I'm going to take care of myself now, protect myself, but I will be there for him in any way I can.
There was a time that I would have picked the wrong man in the room every time, too. I've learned what to look for, what to ask for, and I think I make better choices. (stay tuned) So much of this problem with the boy is because of timing, distance, and not being able to sort things out in person. Too soon to say if he was the wrong one or the right one. I know that I learned from him, I love loving him (demons included), and I'll never regret one nanosecond of giving him my heart. I write this several days after it happened, and I have a bit of a refreshed perspective. I have almost slain the demon, what part of it I can. Some other pieces live on in me and resurface again and again. I know the theory you mentioned, only I've heard it as the theory of redoing....we pick someone like our mother or father or something, and recreate a painful situation to make it have another, more positive outcome. We attempt to fix ourselves. I don't know if any of that, mine or yours, occured here. Too soon to tell. He just felt right. Felt like home. Felt like a life I wanted to build. That's a first for me. I think we love well if we give it all we have...even if things could have been better or different. Loving well is loving deeply and geninely. I know one thing now...I loved my boy very well. Still do. Probably will for a long time. Who knows what the future holds? I'm proud of what I gave to him. I can never feel badly about that.
Thank you for the tea and the tissues...and for always listening to my heart speak. You hear things I'm saying that I don't have to actually say. 
posted by
Temple
on June 23, 2004 at 12:32 AM
| link to this | reply
There is so much I want to say to you,yet words cannot truly convey such...
Only you could write so beautifully, so wrenchingly, of such pain. I feel for you so much as you curl within the dark place and send you thoughts of great love and hope and knowing that you will be able to, within time, stretch and bathe within the sun once more. You are beautiful and you are loved and you are worthy of conversation and time and recognition for the way in which you have loved and do love, too. I am proud to call you my friend and feel such gratitude for the way in which you have entered my life with all your wisdom and sincerity and openness and loving and wit and humour and fun (and let's not forget the sex cake, too
). I'm with Benzinha ... soothing a temple here, passing a tissue there. Take care, lovely girl. You are always in my thoughts
.
posted by
Moohahaha
on June 23, 2004 at 12:03 AM
| link to this | reply
Temple, dearest.
Entertain for a moment my fantasy. The one where you are my paralell alternate self. If this could be true, then know that you are loved. If this could be true, know that I love what I am in your universe.
I feel that darkness just the same. The demon holds the lid on tight to my Spirit. I know though, that in the end, the demon is of my own creation, and that my spirit is not. My spirit will always prevail. So will yours.
posted by
sparkietheduck
on June 22, 2004 at 10:51 PM
| link to this | reply
Temple, we share not only the love but the reasons for its leaving......
I hate it when you don't get to fully understand the 'why' it's leaving. I don't know what you did to help him to run away maybe earlier than later, but I've done it myself, when younger. I don't know what may have happened to his thoughts while away from you and in a war zone. He may not know all of what he thinks just yet as his new environment changes him without his being totally aware of what it is that is changing. I either sounded too needy or too ready or too overflowing and too full of dreams....dunno. I know that some of them were frightened by my intensity, devoured in big delicious bites and loving it while IN my company, but resting and reflecting and standoffish when separated from me.
Also, I always picked the wrong fellow out of a roomful of men. There might be ten right fellows, but I'd be attracted only to the wrong one. I still don't know what that means, really. I don't know what right is and have few clues as to what wrong is. They say that we look for the psychic holes in ourselves, find others with similar holes and try to help them fix theirs, really working on fixing our own that way.
What I mean is, we lack something or know of a quality that needs work within ourselves, find others who are similar to us and then, by pushing them to fix themselves, we really mean to work out our own problems. Some embrace us for the same reasons, later deciding not to work on the necessary changes, but running away instead. Or we walk away, unwilling to fulfill their needs for us to change in some deep and undefinable ways.
I walked through memories of my favorite husband after reading your post and memories of the one who betrayed me most cruelly, not forgetting those who were terribly disappointed by me.....Loving is not an easy job, but it has to be done. Well or poorly, we can never be totally sure.
I have tried to have new conversations about old hurts with old loves and it has rarely, if ever, been a satisfactory exercise. The first thing that we can always agree upon is that we were young and didn't know how to love each other correctly, mutually, compassionately.
I am fixing you some tea while handing you some tissues and listening to your heart speak....I am, oh so sympathetic about your youth and the long loving road ahead of you.
posted by
benzinha
on June 21, 2004 at 2:50 AM
| link to this | reply
Sweet Abuelita, I've read this comment 100 times now.
I feel so very broken. I feel like I still can't trust my instincts. I feel like there are mistakes being made, the kind you remember forever, but I am helpless to stop them. I'm afraid because although I will take the journey through who I am because of him and what I've learned because of this...I get so little information about the "why" of it all from the other side that I'm afraid I won't catch the real lesson. I see lessons already, but there must be more to have been so sure and in unison one minute...to where we stand today. I can't help thinking that I still make bad choices for myself, or that I did something to push it over the edge. It's very easy to blame ourselves. Only time will pull me out of this place, but the minute by minute withdrawal from the man and the dreams and my dear, sweet friend takes over my body, heart and mind...and will for a while. The little girl in me, the sound in my heart, is doing that bargaining thing. Salvation at all costs. That's the most painful.
I must let go. I get to know that I loved with all of me and I gave all that I had. I have to believe that if this is supposed to be, it will come back around...although I believe humans can still muck up what's meant to be in many ways.
I read this 100 times because I felt your affection and tenderness. It made me cry, but in that way you can only do when you are in a safe place. I know we cannot force things. Especially when I know he is really searching for something, too, and cannot give me what I need. Knowing what I know doesn't make it hurt any less...it makes me want to pretend that I don't know what I know...it makes me want to be something else, someone else, anything to make this all stop. Very confusing place to be when equally valid emotions battle it out in heart and mind. I can write 100 pages of all the reasons why it is best this way. They don't compare to the other page that says...I love him...and there is purpose here. That makes me crazy.
Thank you for your very sweet and compassionate words. It really means a lot to me. I like your writing, too, very much.
posted by
Temple
on June 20, 2004 at 4:07 PM
| link to this | reply
Oh those demons! well then, I apoligize! I have those too! Nasty little
critters arn't they? I've slayed a few of those in my time. And then ten
more show up!
posted by
anaerie
on June 20, 2004 at 2:05 AM
| link to this | reply
anaerie, thank you for reading and I appreciate the compliment.
These are my demons, which can only be slain by me. Only I can take the steps to walk through. I am a Buddhist, so my beliefs differ from yours in that arena. I am also a writer, so this is merely a description of an experience I am having...feelings that I am having...and metaphors to explain my struggle with things inside myself. It's not a facination with the dark side, as you may see if you read this blog farther back, but an artist's expression of a very painful situation. Thank you for your comment and concern.
posted by
Temple
on June 20, 2004 at 1:23 AM
| link to this | reply
Your writting is beautiful. You have great talent. Being fasinated by the
Dark side seems to be an on-going attraction in this day and age. But
Demons cant be slain by man, only God has that power. They hate you and
all humans. Your destruction is their only goal. And if you ever have a
real conversation with one, you may not come back.
posted by
anaerie
on June 20, 2004 at 1:15 AM
| link to this | reply
well, and I suppose it's welcoming in the sense that it's familiar
but, to slay the demon is the goal...not to set up house with it.
posted by
Temple
on June 20, 2004 at 12:41 AM
| link to this | reply
Whether or not it's welcoming, it's here.
It's not where I want to be, but I feel like I have to walk through it to come out on the other side. The rest is poetic license. ;)
posted by
Temple
on June 20, 2004 at 12:39 AM
| link to this | reply
Somehow you make the darkness appear welcoming and I'm not sure that's a good thing.
posted by
Ca88andra
on June 20, 2004 at 12:37 AM
| link to this | reply
Temple, we use the image of oceans so differently, but both apply.
As I say, self-examination, for awhile, is so very painfully good for us, otherwise we don't learn from what just happened to us. Sometimes the lesson is just the simple one, keep searching and believing in success while you do.
I have loved enough for so many lifetimes, loved well and poorly and only seen the truth years later. But loving was my mission and I succeeded at that.
I am hugging you and petting your hair away from your sad eyes and kissing you on your temple. We are not incharge of everything. When life involves another, they have half of the job in their hands....and we can never plan nor force their responses to be what we need them to be, hope them to be. You have made me think about old loves for a few days now and it makes me sad, too.
This post searches and hurts while wandering and is real. I like your writing.
posted by
benzinha
on June 19, 2004 at 1:43 PM
| link to this | reply