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depressed in the closit
I have a secret. Twelve years ago I found myself in my laundry room. It was getting daylight and I was trembling in a corner hiding beside my dryer. I had a couple of hours left until another day would begin. I had just lost my sister in a car accident, and now I have her children, my other sister was in the hospital not expected to live. I also had her daughter. I had a newborn, and a runaway Down Syndrome boy. That spent his entire day jumping out of windows. My daughter has started getting sick and is like a stranger in my house that I am scared to death of. she is only nine and I don't know what is happening to her. My ex husband has Bi-poler. his mother called and told me that he is talking about coming from Kentucky to take our daughter to the ocean to drown her, so she will go to heaven. she is seven. He has been working for the Goverment and the president for years, in his head. My youngest sister stole my and has destroyed my credit and is going from state to state committing crimes in my name. and I have her kids.My oldest sister is in the hospital sick and she has bi-poler too. She thinks everyone is upset that she didn't die instead of my other sister. I need to get back to work. Yet I am in fear of my daughter hurting someone. I have a broken heart, and a house full of mentally ill children and my sisters in the hospital. I am the caretaker of all these people and I too am sick. I had been taking my kids to therapy for a few years and there Dr. kept telling me if I needed her to call anytime, she gave me her home number. She kept telling me I was depressed, I said no I am fine. I am not fine. I don't want to do this any more. If I believed in it,Would have ended my own life. I not only think it is a sin. I just find it to be a very selfish act. I would never do that to my family. Anyway. I called my kids Dr. That Sunday morning, at home, She saw me the next day and at that time she told me I had major depression. That is one of three major, Mental illness's. I thought Great. Here I am the leader of the family. the caretaker of all.Now what? I never told anyone. I didn't want my daughter to know that her mother and father was sick. She would know that the odds were against her than. I took my prozac, and I made myself get up and go. as hard as it was, wants is. To go into a public place. I had no choice. I had to take care of them. I would have loved to lay dawn and cover my head up. I didn't have an option. I had to be there voice, I had to face my fears. and get out there. I sometimes drive around the block more than I should, I am late for almost every appointment I have, Not because I am not there. I just have a hard time getting out of the car. I know I have to talk to strangers when I get inside. I have to pretend to have some sense once inside, It is , and has been a challenge, I have no education. 6th grade. I made up my mind than. that I had to go to college, It took years to get there. I made it at age 39.. One of the reasons I never told anyone is the stigma that comes with being labeled. That is in part why we tend to think that people are judging us. We are probably not talked about half as much as we think we are. They are a lot of people with Major mental illness, That live a normal healthy life, They are a lot of people on tv, that you would never know had bi-polar. It is just so important to trust your family, your DR. take your meds. and just get out there. Get a life. I always remember that there are so many other things that are worse. What we have is treatable. we have so much more than some.Think bout the people that don't have the option of getting better,and having a life. they are so many people in this world that would trade us places if they could. I hope that someday you will find happiness.
posted by
mylifeofpain
on November 18, 2009 at 6:19 AM
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Hang in there with a healthy heart anyway. In other words, do the best that you can! BCA, The New Bill*s Cave
posted by
BC-A
on January 10, 2009 at 9:38 PM
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I just found your blog.
Learn to love yourself.... no one can love you, as well as you can....hang tough...xxooo
posted by
hazel_st_cricket
on January 10, 2009 at 8:04 PM
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Asert yourself, don't feel sorry for yourself. Show them who you are.
posted by
vogue
on January 10, 2009 at 4:25 PM
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My heart goes out to you, Runs at dawn!
I hope you feel better!
posted by
calia14
on January 9, 2009 at 11:05 PM
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You are in charge of you! Get well soon and then become your own advocate! Good luck! sam
posted by
sam444
on January 9, 2009 at 5:14 PM
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