Comments on Alligators and Dolls: part 4 (of 8)- next 'ingredient'---a doll

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It's getting better and better, I'm glad there are more stories ahead

posted by Smittenheimer on November 9, 2008 at 5:20 PM | link to this | reply

Luz, "never trust a doll or a clown" is my motto....

.....

posted by Rumor on November 5, 2008 at 4:57 PM | link to this | reply

Re: I've read the first 4 segmants just now...

Thanks for the in-depth review, Ciel! yes, this is very much a roughdraft of a story that's still coming to me. if i like the outcome, i'm sure there will be plenty of revisions!

posted by Luz_Briar on November 2, 2008 at 5:57 PM | link to this | reply

I like the tease at the end, but what is up with the doll? Do I really trust the faith in goodness? lol sam

posted by sam444 on November 2, 2008 at 12:28 PM | link to this | reply

I agree with Ciel

about your bringing in the unexpected quite effortlessly!

posted by malcolm on November 2, 2008 at 11:34 AM | link to this | reply

I've read the first 4 segmants just now...

You have a great way with dialogue, revealing a lot of character with it, and using speech the way people do--instead of using your characters to say what you want to say, you let them say things in their own ways.

Dialogue is so useful for showing action and conveying feeling.  A lot of the 'telling' that you do in this could readily be transformed to dialogue/showing, and make the story more immediate and involving.  When you 'tell' so much, it is like adding a layer--the story-teller--between the events and the reader.

But as I have said before somewhere, getting the tale down is the first thing to do: to outline, or do a treatment, as screenwriters call it.  Then you can go back through and replace the telling bits with showing, and eliminate redundant language, tightening things up and increasing the impact overall.

Another thing you do very well, in my opinion, is bring the unexpected into the story.  I love to read a story where I can't predict outcomes.  That a character does something odd or illogical, or unreasonable reflects the true nature of humans: we do a lot of things that make sense only to us, knowing why we are doing them, and make others wonder where on earth our rationality went!

I'm looking forward to the next 4 segments!

posted by Ciel on November 1, 2008 at 10:54 PM | link to this | reply