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Re: Re: Couple of suggestion...
The important thing is to write and write... get the image and feel and all on the page... there will plenty of time to polish the rough gem, once you have it there. Also, the more you write, the more of the rust you get out of the pipes, and the more you learn what doesn't need to be said.
posted by
Ciel
on August 30, 2008 at 4:02 PM
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Re: Sira
Thank you Mac!
There are actually several similar sites kicking around...I used a couple when I was working on my first book. They were helpful to a point, but I'd rather ask the brilliant minds on blogit--here, at least I know I'm getting opinions I can trust!
posted by
Sira890
on August 29, 2008 at 2:34 PM
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Re: Couple of suggestion...
Hi Ciel,
Thanks for the great comments and adivse! Being a fairly "new" writer, I find I still have a tendancy to overwrite things. Lucky for me, there's always the rewrite and a trusty red pen to slice away the unnecessary words!
posted by
Sira890
on August 29, 2008 at 2:31 PM
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Re:
Thanks Harderup!
posted by
Sira890
on August 29, 2008 at 2:28 PM
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Sira
'Good on you,' young Sira. I can feel the tension in the piece. If I read that as a blurb on the back cover, I'd buy the book to find out the why and wherefore.
Like any first draft, it could be tightened up a bit and some chopping would help but it kept me interested. Did you know that there is a website where you can get feedback from other writers. Ii think Pat_B uses it.
If you ever wonder 'why you bother' remember that the piece of writing you have posted did not exist until you created it, and neither did Mia nor the detective.
posted by
johnmacnab
on August 21, 2008 at 5:08 AM
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Couple of suggestion...
Wearing my 'freelance editor' hat... A story does need some telling, as well as showing, and it did not strike me that you're telling too much here, just using too many words.
There are some unnecessary words that could be trimmed, making the action smoother and more impactful. For instance, you say about three different ways in one place that the detective shields her with his body. One conveys the information that the reader needs, the rest just slow down the action.
The dialogue sounds real and believable.
The action and the relationship between the two characters here will bring me back to find out more about it.
Thanks for sharing this!
posted by
Ciel
on August 17, 2008 at 11:27 PM
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I can't come up with any clever thing to say - just that I like it, it is easy to read and captivating. I like the details, the drama and a touch of humor. Great job, I will be looking forward to seeing it published
posted by
Lotus_Flower
on August 14, 2008 at 11:55 AM
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I totally forgot to mention
This excerpt is not the beginning! It's actually from chapter 7.
Thanks so much for the great feedback thus far--if I haven't told you already, I really appreciate it!
posted by
Sira890
on August 14, 2008 at 11:45 AM
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Re: Sira
No worries Naut!
Thanks in advance
posted by
Sira890
on August 14, 2008 at 11:24 AM
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Re: Hiya, Sira: Good first draft of a dramatic situation.
Gosh Pat, thanks!!
posted by
Sira890
on August 14, 2008 at 11:22 AM
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Re: Sira890
Thanks Azur! I'm glad you're sharing and talking about your own work--I think ruthless friends can be the best kind for things like this!
Telling vs. showing is one of those things that I always struggle with. Usually I spend most of the second draft fixing all my telling (and there's lots of telling throughout!). But having people point it out is a huge help, as it lets me know where to focus!
I almost always write first person; for me, it's just the most comfortable form. I generally break it up through the book, adding chapters that are told from another perspective (ie. Sam's).
I'm not too worried about nitty gritty editing at this point--I assume you spotted some punctuation errors (my usual area of weakness), and probably some grammar/spelling--but if it's not a burden on time for you, I'd welcome any comments!
You're brilliant, and I really appreciate the time you took to leave this great comment!
posted by
Sira890
on August 14, 2008 at 11:22 AM
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Sira
I'm 'up to my eyeballs' right now and don't have the time for a serious critique. Like Pat, I'll send you an
, but later, probably not until tonight, got too much to do...
posted by
Nautikos
on August 14, 2008 at 6:43 AM
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Hiya, Sira: Good first draft of a dramatic situation.
I'm sending an email with some suggestions... This is an intriguing opening -- invites me to keep reading. Good work. :)pat
posted by
Pat_B
on August 14, 2008 at 4:33 AM
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Sira890
How brave you are to share your work. But you are among friends. Good work. I used to be guarded about sharing mine but last week when sending something off, I got over my fear and sent the synopsis to two friends who were ruthless and very constructive and actually helped me transform it. Since my recent pitch to a publisher, I have felt able to talk about my story. Can't stop in fact but pesky life gets in the way. I think you set the scene for a strong story here. I am already wondering about the history between Sam and Mia.
Two observations. In parts there is telling not showing, for example when you say - "not stopping to think". Her actions and dialogue can convey that without that explanation.
I wonder too about using the first person viewpoint. Will this limit you later?
If you like I am happy to email you with a few lines with editing marks - i understand totally this is a first draft. And what do I know? I have not even finished my novel yet.
posted by
Azur
on August 14, 2008 at 1:27 AM
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