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- Go to dramatic horror "Salaah" part 2 (of 16): here's where it gets interesting
Re: You are writing very well of a very difficult matter...
Ciel, thank you so much for reading so the details so closely! Nothing is more flattering. and of course you're right, she wouldn't actually be able to see, which was actually intentional though I did a terrible job of communicating it; the world between her dreams and the real are completely blurred in the dark, and so she is most probably dreaming. But what defines dreams/nightmares and reality is something very open to interpretation for her.
I can't wait to finish the Heretics!
posted by
Luz_Briar
on July 24, 2008 at 4:38 PM
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You are writing very well of a very difficult matter...
For all it is about sexual torment, it is not salacious. It brings home the feelings and conveys them with realism, not drama. You are so good at that, I even believe in the elephant though all my common sense ought to find it nonsensical.
At this point I don't know if it is a real elephant or a 'Pi" elephant (Have you read that book, The Life of Pi ?) But I know it is real to your character.
I have a very similar captive-in-the-darkness scene in THE HERETICS though I don't remember if you've read that far or not. I hope mine comes across as well as yours! It is, of course, a different world and time, and setting, so I would be quite happy if readers find them equally effective, though different.
One thing about cave darkness... It is an absolute dark, there is no accustoming the eyes to it. There must be some source of light, however small, for the eyes to actually adapt. Your character would likely become super-aware of things she learned by touch and sound, however, which could tell her a great deal about her immediate surroundings. And, of course, anything she saw when her captor brought a light, she would be able to add to her perceptions. But visuals would have to come from memory. If she believes she is seeing, as she believes in the elephant, I can believe in that.
Of course, it could become an interest writer challenge, to rewrite that element of the whole scene without her being able to see anything, relying entirely on her other available senses.
By the way, I posted a photo of an elephant's eye in my Travelblogue recently. Funny, that in the past two weeks I have seen elephants and their eyes, and also been down in a cavern--where of course they turn out the lights just to demonstrate how dark dark is. My grandson spoiled the demo though--he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark T-shirt!
posted by
Ciel
on July 24, 2008 at 7:42 AM
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I liked the descriptive flow. I did not stop. Very good! sam
posted by
sam444
on July 23, 2008 at 9:06 PM
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Great presentaion and I find your writing to be so easy to stay with and its keeps my interest! I am doing fine so please don't worry! sam
posted by
sam444
on July 12, 2008 at 8:29 PM
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Re: I really really enjoyed reading your short story so far....................
THANKS so much! the rest of the story will be up VERY soon!
posted by
Luz_Briar
on July 6, 2008 at 1:43 PM
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Welcome and Best wishes
Hello, your short story is riveting and I hope you have much success. I hope she escapes in the end :(
posted by
Smittenheimer
on July 6, 2008 at 8:12 AM
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Simply put ...
Part 1 looks like regular flash fiction. In a similar way to the explanation in your Blogit Café post part 2 uses story structure. Beautifully cool love! lol, BCA!
posted by
BC-A
on July 6, 2008 at 5:13 AM
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I really really enjoyed reading your short story so far....................
Hi, I saw your post in the blogit cafe (whilst I was having my latte) and because you asked so nicely for readers I felt compelled to come and take a look. I am new here too, I joined on the 29th June this year.
Ok, so now I will get to the story, I always feel a bit awkward commenting on other peoples work because quite frankly i'm no expert but well...here goes....
I really really enjoyed your short story, I felt it was very brave and the writing was sparse not too flowery and over the top and that really suits the subject matter. The idea of the girl listening to her own heartbeat is very powerful indeed and works on many levels. Not least it highlights the human survival instinct - it was very good imagery. I can tell from the second part that this story is going to be very quircky and original and I look forward to reading the rest of it, I think your really nailing this. The way you tackle the really difficult issues is very sensitive and by giving only a few details it makes the story actually scarier I think. I hope you are not put off by the lack of comments at this early stage and that you post the rest of the story as i'm sure it will be well recieved when people find it. I hope you will come and visit my post if you have time. It is very different to yours but lots of people are enjoying it and I would love to know your opinion. Best wishes and good luck with the blog. HollyBird.x
posted by
HollyBird
on July 6, 2008 at 3:45 AM
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