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quick edits: Put a period after rooms. Then follow with Each one had bamboo....floors: ....., take the and from in pain and covered, change to I called a cab and it finally arrived or I flagged down a cab and it finally arrived. We quickly put Tommy in it. beeline not bee-line, put a period after hanson.....leave out but.....leave out the sentence about naha or move to the beginning before the action starts...once you move into the action your sentences should be short to help carry the action forward. lengthy ones slow it down. Tommy's screams began to subside just before we arrive at the hospital. I thought everything was fine but then I had never witnessed someone dying before that moment. what do you think of putting That all stills?
Am so sorry for your loss. 
But you captured the stark fear and loss so well
posted by
Annicita
on September 22, 2012 at 5:18 AM
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what a terrible tragedy and what stupid bureaucratic nonsense
that helped create something too terrible to know how to reply to.
Your heart in your poem tells it all. I am so sorry.
posted by
Kabu
on September 21, 2012 at 12:31 PM
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So incredibly sad those events were. My heart goes out to you all...When I was young (around eight or so), I remember my uncle had cancer, and I thought that he would be fine. Unfortunately he was not.
posted by
FormerStudentIntern
on September 21, 2012 at 10:09 AM
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Lion said it perfectly.
posted by
adnohr
on September 21, 2012 at 6:07 AM
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that is a heart breaking poem - it captures the tragedy, the grief, the guilt and the anger and I can't help but feel along with it.
posted by
lionreign
on September 21, 2012 at 3:39 AM
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Tragic Jay, one of the cruest twists of nature, poor little girl. long gone from suffering but you will always remember her love.
posted by
C_C_T
on September 21, 2012 at 1:09 AM
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Page 37- Good Work...
Well I see that was 14 years ago. So now there is enough time between
the event and the speaker. I am assuming you are/were that speaker. We often hold ourselves responsible for things that are out of our control anyway.
posted by
PoeticPoetry
on September 20, 2012 at 9:56 PM
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