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You are already a good friend, muser...
and I am still working through it all. I have probably taken a backward step these past few weeks. I'm trying to find some quiet time to write, but although it's nice to be back in familiar surroundings there is little space when we are both home, and my evenings tend to be spent keeping my own counsel, at one end of the sofa. If he would stop trying to move me forward at his pace I might be able to work it out, so this was probably a mistake. As much as I might think it's necessary to give it one last try, I find that if ever I have something to air, there is an overreaction. Basically he wants to negate all of the uncomfortable past times and move on - with me. If not
with me, then by making me very, very sorry indeed that I wanted to end the marriage. And where would I go? This is not my home, after all. How could I ever have thought we could remain on friendly terms; the only terms he seems to be interested in are his own. I know he's hurting; I just don't think he can see that he isn't the only one. I guess we are both in limbo. And yet, for the sake of so many years together, I do want to work through this with him, to try to settle it peacefully. That's where I need help, and I ask for that daily. And I still am so unsure of the future, here alone with no family to turn to, or of moving home - also alone. Tough decisions.
posted by
mneme
on June 30, 2006 at 7:23 PM
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dear mneme...again more parallels in our lives. i too experienced divorce
and the empty nest at about the same time. after a lifefull of marriage and motherhood, I found myself floundering...alone. i had somehow inherited the cat and the dog when i left. i was close to hysterical when the time came, years later, to put them down...they had been my confidants...the ones who were always faithful and true, who loved me in spite of all my flaws...who listened in rapt attention when i talked to them, and shared with them the secrets of my heart of hearts. they never betrayed me; the love that came pouring out of those big brown eyes, and that amazingly loud purrbox was pure...i thank God that max was with me as i held them... nuzzled them one last time. the experience of giving my dear little furry companions peace brought back a rush of memories...but max was with me. as my profound sadness dissapated, i realized that if the heartbreaking events in my life had never happened...i would not have met max...all my heartbreak has since been healed, and i never knew there was such love as the love i share with max. life continues...life is good...
posted by
muser
on June 28, 2006 at 4:38 AM
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It's after 2 AM and I can't write straight, but I have some things to say
regarding emptying nests and flying free, creating a new adult life, making shocking decisions-- a time when I pulled out of everything, moved into a friend's garrett, and went around for a month feeling like I had pulled the rug out from under my own feet, and was waiting to see if I'd gotten hurt in the fall...
For now, I offer encouragement-- the playground you have entered as you leave the one with all the kids in it, is not empty-- and the playmates are more your own age. See-- Here I am! another Mom turning into a... uh.... mmm.... Well, I think I will go to bed now... 
posted by
Ciel
on June 25, 2006 at 2:16 AM
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