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You are a very talented writer, and here I was thinking I could write!
!
posted by
Meringue
on January 22, 2006 at 5:42 PM
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Cee, I think that's a beautiful memory and it's your's so it should be
written just the way you remember and feel it.
Good job, Honey! 
posted by
MaggieMae
on January 22, 2006 at 5:03 PM
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I could almost feel it myself!
posted by
anglofinspirtion
on January 22, 2006 at 4:56 PM
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Lovely writing... just lovely.
posted by
Transcendental_Child
on January 22, 2006 at 3:39 PM
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Hi Angela-
Ah, thanks for reading and so glad you enjoyed it. I liked DM's version, too. But it was the most explicit sexually written material
I have tried my hand at. I can see how with more details (like running a tongue under a lip - ummmmm) can heighten the reader's experience - yah??
Cee (It was 30+ years ago, so a vivid imagination can only enhance)
posted by
LadyCeeMarie
on January 22, 2006 at 10:58 AM
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Thank you, Dennison!
Yes, indeed, I asked for your take and I loved your suggestion. It captivated ME! And I
was there!!
I'm printing it out and will watch my "ups" in the future. Thank you so much for the big words and the suggested rewrite. I lost my editor, whose style was much like yours! Do you take clients?????? (kidding) (or do you?
)
Cee
posted by
LadyCeeMarie
on January 22, 2006 at 10:25 AM
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Just teasing, Dennison...
Relax, really!
I thought your words ran as smooth as glass. I wish I had your gift!
posted by
anglofinspirtion
on January 22, 2006 at 10:07 AM
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In The Interest Of Fairness...
Cee specifically asked me for my take on her work. This was not a spontaneous criticism for the sake of sounding like an expert (which I've never claimed to be.)
As for my fancy words...I'm sorry if they're above your reading level.
This is why I am loathe to offer advice outside of showing someone what those UPC looking buttons on the top of the menu bar can do for an essay's appearance.
DM
posted by
Dennison..Mann
on January 22, 2006 at 9:56 AM
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Well, I thought it was perfect!
Sorry, I cannot compete with all the fancy words that Dennison used, but I thought it was a wonderful memory. Be glad you have it, revel and enjoy!
posted by
anglofinspirtion
on January 22, 2006 at 9:52 AM
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Nice Little Story Here...Cee
but honestly, I think it needs a little framing. It seems to start in the middle somewhere...I had no idea if I had walked in on some continuing story or if this was just a lone standing memoir.
Also, some mechanical help would sharpen your style.
For example...
"When our bodies had warmed the other’s up, the cuddling progressed to kiss after kiss, the tension and terseness of the day melting away with each kiss."
Your above sentence sounds a little awkward...especially with that split infinitive (warmed the other's up.) Can you tell me where I might find my "up?" I didn't know that I had an "up." Now that I think of it, I don't recall ever warming anybody's "up." Spit infinitives (when you take a complex verb like "warm up" and split it with words such as "the other's") are not grammatically incorrect, they just look awkward...as your split infinitive does. Other split infinitives don't sound so bad. "To boldly go..." for example, rolls so nicely from the tongue that we don't even think about it as a split infinitive.
Here's a suggestion for rewriting your above sentence:
Under the cover of night, buried beneath an insulating layer of fluffy goose down, our bodies quickly warmed with the flame of our shared passion. At first, we just snuggled; cuddling with bare leg upon bare leg, mine wrapped smoothly around his. Soon, though, our cuddles blended comfortably into warm kisses. Our uncertain tongues touched briefly at first, exploring and testing the level of attraction between us. Soon, though, the inevitable became clear to both of us. There was no mistaking the twitch within me, and when I felt his affectionate tongue run along my lips, the day's tension suddenly melted into a flood of kisses, drenching me in a feeling of crystal clear desire! And while I kissed him back, Mike's manly ardor stiffened in joyful response to my unleashed shower of love. Gently, we plummeted into the soft and shadowed abyss of human touch.
But what do I know? I wasn't there with you two.
DM
posted by
Dennison..Mann
on January 22, 2006 at 9:34 AM
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