The first novel of H. Loraine Smith under Pen Name Harlahn Woo.
This novel expresses the frustration of a young girl, to young to be
married, certainly to young to be a Mother. The trials and lessons
learned about motherhood and abuse. Drugs, alcohol and verbal
abuse, colored her world. would she be straong enough to get out?
Would she be strong enough to make a life for herself and her
children? Could she survive with any small semblence of the life
she prayed for? Quincy Shaw is on a journey, go with her, help her
find the answers as she searches for the way to that happy ever
Taylor was barely a year old and I was pregnant again. (I wanted four kids, before I married Andrew. I'd had my tubes tied after Aaliah, was that divine inspiration or intuition? Whichever one it was, Thank God for it!) I don’t know that I ever really sat down and thought about being pregnant again so soon. I did have a 1 year-old, actually he was around 1 1/2. I only know that I was happy “in the family way.” I’ve heard a lot of women remark that they feel the happiest when they’re pregnant. I guess I can understand those feelings. I was happy to be increasing my family, my circle of love. Even though our money situation was just typical of a young unstable couple, we barely had enough. I wasn’t the type of wife, who shopped all the time, but my child was well dressed and our home was clean and comfortable. We ate well and could pay our few bills with ease. If we needed anything my mom was there. Andrew's parents could be counted on for something. Of course we tried not to ask, and didn't need to often. It was just comforting to know that there was somewhere we could go if need be. As far as I was concerned we were on our way; finally off to a good solid start. Andrew just wouldn’t let that do! No he had to mess things up. If only Andrew would have been a bit more co-operative. It seemed that he was determined to ruin my happy dream. He was doing the types of things that all unfaithful, insecure men do. (It was years down the road before this insightfulness came to me, by the way) When a man is cheating: he lies, he starts stupid arguments about nothing, he’s never home when he should be. He always
Seems to come home with alcohol on his breath. He spends more time with the boys than usual or necessary. He’s paranoid and quick to snap at this mate. He’s very accusatory (usually due to his own guilt!) Andrew was no different. I was all of the signs, but was powerless to do anything. I’m not even sure I recognized this behavior as a sign of anything, back then.
Aaliah was about six months old when I first realized that her sperm donor was cheating on me. It was a pretty deep experience. One that I’m sure I’ll never forget, much like the time Uncle Matt asked if he could touch me. I remember having that same sick, confused feeling when I found out about Andrew and Lilly.
This man always seemed to have some family member around; this episode was no different. We lived down the street from an uncle of Andrews'. Andrew had three grown male cousins who lived in the house with their mother and father, Andrews’s aunt and uncle. He also had three female cousins in the same house. It just so happened that some sleazy looking woman was staying with the aunt and uncle. This woman's name was Lilly. You know the type, the kind that looks like she'd do any damned thing for a dollar? Well apparently she would. It seems that she slept with every man in the house including the uncle' and they all got burned. She gave all of their nasty asses gonorrhea.
About a week after I got that juicy piece of gossip from one of Andrews female cousins. Andrew came to me accusing me of cheating on him! How dare he, was he crazy? He had crushed my spirit by even insinuating such a thing. I wasn’t interested in any man other than my husband. I loved him. (It really hurts me to admit that, ya know?) I guess I thought the sun rose and set on this family, headed by my husband. I was hurt and sickened; I guess I was even scared when I heard about Lilly. I wanted to believe that Andrew hadn’t participated with this sexcapade with the, "Lilly woman." I was proud of being a young married mother of two with a job, a house (even if we were just renting it), and a husband. I would never have threatened my home like that. The insult, was the implication of guilt on his part; the injury, the accusation that I was guilty of something too. I know now that when a man is that adamant, without the tiniest shred of evidence and no argument that makes sense, he's the guilty one. (I didn't know that at 19.) I was as innocent as I could be, about so many things. I even offered to go and see my OBGYN, to prove that I didn't have any disease. He was complaining of burning and he felt that he had something, but it had to be my fault. I hadn't had any symptoms, but said I would go anyway. I had to prove that I was clean, innocent. He didn't want me to go to my doctor; no he wanted to go to the free clinic! Why, what the hell kind of sense did that make!? Why did I have to subject my-self to some shit like that!? Why wasn’t I allowed to see my own doctor? I soon found out why, but being naive as I was, it took a little while longer than it should have.
We went to the clinic. It was one of the most disgraceful, disgusting and humiliating things that I can remember..., having to get up on the table for that exam. The nurse made some nasty remark that made me cry as I was being examined. I forget what it was, but I remember being mortified and feeling as though she was talking down to me. I was obviously pregnant and coming in for a check up for VD. It had to look bad, but what could I do? She told me that I could call for the results in about a week. She was really lacking the caring and understanding nature that I'd expected. She was a professional after all, right, a medical professional? Right.
Andrew came out of his examination room telling me some shit about having an infection in his urethral tube; he even had a pamphlet to show me, which was supposed to validate his claims. O.K. what the hell did I know? Being the naive innocent that I was, I believed him. Maybe I was in denial. Could I have really, truly been that naive? I think that I wanted to believe so badly that he hadn’t done this that I was simply willing to believe him.
The next week, when it was time to get the result of the test, I asked Andrew to call the doctor’s office (the free clinic office) from work. Still wanting to trust the asshole. I didn’t once think that he would lie about the test results! I wasn't worried about the results of the test I had bought the lie about the urethral infection. I wasn’t at all concerned about my test, because I knew that there was no way that I could have any type of sexually transmitted disease. No way!
Of course when he came home from work that night, he said that he had called and the tests were negative for VD. It wasn't until about a week later, when I had come home from work early, and found that we had houseguest, that I thought again about the test results.
I had come home from my job at a local steakhouse, because I didn't feel well. When I walked in the house, Andrew's cousin Larae. Larae was the same cousin who had told me all about Lilly. Larae lived down the street with from us ; she was the daughter of Andrew’s aunt and Uncle. She and her girlfriend, Veronica (these girls were around 15 at the time I was 19). were visiting with Andrew when I got home from work. They made a hasty exit as soon as I got in the house good. I thought it was kind of weird, but I didn't really think anything about it until later. Andrew became really hateful, soon after they'd left. He acted as though I had made them leave, or interrupted his plans. He wanted to argue, about anything. Anything that I had done at that point would have set Andrew off. I had just spilled boiling water all over the kitchen and my-self ; that was good enough. He started an argument about that.
I liked to drink hot tea when I didn't feel good. That day after a long day at work, I was tired and didn’t really feel very well. I was so tired that I had accidentally gotten the sleeve of my robe caught on the handle of the pot I was boiling the water in. I wasn't sophisticated enough at that time to own a coffee maker, so the stove was my only way to heat water. Andrew started a huge argument about the water, and I ended up going to sleep early. I couldn’t understand what his problem was, dam, it was an accident it could have happened to anyone. It wasn’t as if he had to clean it up, or I had spilled it on him. He obviously just wanted to fight about something, and I wasn’t up to it.
The next morning, I guess I really had a feeling that something was wrong (We all have intuition, if we'd only use it). I called the clinic to ask about the test results. The test was positive. It was only when the woman on the phone asked my why It had taken me so long to call, that I began to realize how big a fool I really was. I had lots of questions to ask Andrew when he came home that night. It wasn't as hard as I'd thought it would be. I wasn't expecting the truth anyway. My anger had made me really brave, I thought I was ready for him.
What Andrew told me was too much! I couldn't, didn't want to believe it. I got the whole story that night. He told me about Lilly and the VD. He also told me a story about him, Dancy and Lilly and a three-some at their "deer camp". Andrew told me an erotic story about he and Dancy and the fun they'd with Lilly. According to what Andrew had to say; He and Dancy had picked Lilly up in our car. They proceeded to drive to the Grand View Park, where they smoked weed, snorted some cocaine, and drank lots of beer. Lilly gave them both head jobs and let them screw her at the same time. He said that they did it in the grass. I sat there crying quietly while Andrew laughed. I couldn’t believe that my husband was telling me all of this sorted shit. He was actually laughing about it as he told the story.
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