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Ciel - Thank you for sharing your post of this sensitive topic with us.

It takes courage to purposely evoke memories of times that have been painful, to sort through them and to write about them objectively and dispassionately. It takes time to understand and come to terms with past hurts and feelings, contrasting them with those of today. You have done so here effectively and eloquently. He was your bio father? Conversely, I was brought up in a loving environment, a tender and protected bubble. The opposite side of the same coin, in a sense. It was wonderful, but left me a bit ll-prepared at times and vulnerable to the culture-shock of various shades of cruelty that can comprise the "real world." 

posted by Sea_Gypsy on January 20, 2020 at 6:32 PM | link to this | reply

Re: Kabu,

Yes, I think you're right, that letting go is a kind of forgiving. I forgave my parents for what were emotional abandonments and betrayals by the time I reached middle-age, going on towards the far side of it. Later we had a few talks, but I never stopped fearing his ability to hurt me, and that made those talks less productive than they might have been. 

Later, I understood more about their childhoods, how my stepmom had a much worse childhood than mine, and that she suffered from Complex PTSD long before it could be diagnosed. I tried to relate to the person she was inside all that reactive, defensive mess, and forgave her for the cruel and mean and crazy moments she inflicted, because I understood that she couldn't control it: It was like a huge awkward unbalanced load without a handle, without any means to manage it. Her whole life, she blamed herself for everything. I hope it helped in her later years when I was able to tell her that I understood, that I loved the person trapped inside, that none of it was her fault. 

posted by Ciel on January 18, 2020 at 7:05 PM | link to this | reply

Re: CCT,

You lost a father who made you stronger, a source of love, and that's a hard sorrow, too. Death reads as abandonment to a child, even if one is an adult, since that inner child is always part of us. 

posted by Ciel on January 18, 2020 at 6:53 PM | link to this | reply

Re: Pat,

It is hard to live every day with the evidence that a parent does not love you, and it takes a long time to realize that the flaw was in the parent, not the child. 

posted by Ciel on January 18, 2020 at 6:50 PM | link to this | reply

I was brought up in what I always thought was an ordinary family but as I grew I discovered all that love, and care was much more rare than I could possibly have understood. I applaud you for sharing with us and feel humbled by your choosing us.

I once worked with someone in my nursing career who was quite evil. After I left I wrote her a really straight down the line, exactly what you are, letter, and left it on my computer. One day I printed it off, deleted it from my computer and ritually burned the pages saying a Kabu style prayer to my God. Then I found myself able to if not forgive her, to forget about her. Maybe that is a kind of forgiveness.

posted by Kabu on January 18, 2020 at 11:39 AM | link to this | reply

Re:

Well Ciel it brings tears to my eyes, my Father was just the opposite and it probably although I hope not as painful for me in retrospect. 

posted by C_C_T on January 18, 2020 at 10:45 AM | link to this | reply

My dad was physically absent - at first because it was WWII and he

was deployed, and later he and my mother split up and I never saw him after the age of about five. There are times I feel perhaps it was for the best. Your story reminds me that abandonment takes many forms. A second lesson is that it takes time to learn to love yourself even without a parent who recognizes you as lovable. 

posted by Pat_B on January 17, 2020 at 11:03 AM | link to this | reply

Re: Shams-i-Heartsong,

I wouldn't say "all" of anything is anything. And yes, defense can be aggressive. But it can also be simply not agreeing to be victimized.  In my case, defending myself to my father invited further and sometimes physical attack. 

 

posted by Ciel on January 17, 2020 at 10:27 AM | link to this | reply

Re: sassyass,

Interesting and deeply painful... It sounds like you were uprooted a lot, and suffered also from the emotional abandonment. No wonder you keep your distance!

posted by Ciel on January 17, 2020 at 10:23 AM | link to this | reply

Re: TAPS,

I may write about that one of these days. I know some about it, though none of what I know came from him.

posted by Ciel on January 17, 2020 at 10:20 AM | link to this | reply

I am working with the thought that all defense is disguised attacck

posted by Shams-i-Heartsong on January 17, 2020 at 10:09 AM | link to this | reply

You had an interesting childhood. It is probably one of the reasons why you are a creative writer. Your father and my mother could have been two pea's in a pod. She loved her career more that she ever loved me or my step-dad. She was no fan of children. Travel was also something that we did, so much so that I went to 13 different schools. My mother just turned 71, still works, and hasn't a clue as to why I can sometimes be distant with her. Today we live 3,000 miles apart.

posted by Sherri_G on January 17, 2020 at 8:48 AM | link to this | reply

Fascinating in a whole lot of different ways.   It would be so interesting to know what his growing up years had been like.

posted by TAPS. on January 17, 2020 at 8:44 AM | link to this | reply