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Re: C_C_T

True.  Thanks for your comment!  

posted by shelly_b on October 30, 2017 at 12:36 PM | link to this | reply

Re: fear...

JessieE, thanks fir your comment.  I do try to make her proud.  I do hope she is smiling down on me.

posted by shelly_b on October 30, 2017 at 12:35 PM | link to this | reply

Re: Re: Re: blackcat

gotcha.  

oh, and btw...yes, I have read it...well, skimmed through my chapter.  lol  

posted by shelly_b on October 30, 2017 at 12:33 PM | link to this | reply

Re: Re: blackcat

I have no judgment on your fear.  I can't even imagine it.  But traumatic events in our childhood can have lasting effects on us... that was all I meant.  A lot of times we don't even realize it... it's subconscious.  But only you know how you feel.  

posted by -blackcat on October 30, 2017 at 12:09 PM | link to this | reply

Re: Re: continued

RPesta, thanks for your comment.  I'm sure she did understand.  I don't dwell on it but the guilt creeps up on me from time to time.  And like I said, my mom tried everything she could to comfort me on the bad days.  She did everything she could to make sure us kids had a normal and happy life.

posted by shelly_b on October 30, 2017 at 12:09 PM | link to this | reply

Re: blackcat

The thing is I was raised in an over protected environment.  My mom and grandparents gave me everything I needed as a child.  Love, protection, security.  Sometimes I thank my parents divorce for that.  It made my childhood happier because of it?  If that makes sense.  Yes, I lived in fear of my moms seizures...that one of my dark moments in my childhood, but have you ever witnessed a grand mal seizure?  It's pretty scary.  Everything else was great!  So I'm not sure I understand your comment.  I'm not being on the dfense or anything, just wonder where it came from.

posted by shelly_b on October 30, 2017 at 11:40 AM | link to this | reply

People are different no use blaming yourself for being that small child. You may have suffered some forgotten trauma that brought on the fear.

posted by C_C_T on October 30, 2017 at 11:07 AM | link to this | reply

fear...

There are things as adults we can't fix or take care of, much less as a child. My son had seizures as a child up until he was abt 12, I think, maybe older. It's scary to watch and heartbreaking because there is really nothing you can do for them but wait. It's much more traumatic for a child to watch beacuse you have no idea what is wrong. You only know about monsters and such, so your mind is unable to process something so frightening...and it stays with you. There are a lot of things I wish I could have changed for my mother, but I can't. I can only live with it and to the best of my ability for her sake, cuz I know that's what she would want for me. Do the best for yourself in memory of your mother. Peace.

posted by JessieE on October 30, 2017 at 9:27 AM | link to this | reply

They say to pay attention to the first memory you can recall as a child because the emotion you felt imprints on you.  For me, it was my mom withholding her love and criticizing me, hence I became a people pleaser.   For you, it sounds like fear... of abandonment and not being taken care of.  As a child, you're supposed to feel protected.  You obviously didn't and now you're still living as a fearful worry-prone adult. 

I think it's good that you're writing about it.  I'm no expert but I think if you can recognize your impulses towards fear or worry or insecurity, then maybe you can better manage them.  Have you read that book that you ordered yet?  

posted by -blackcat on October 30, 2017 at 6:34 AM | link to this | reply

Re: continued

I hadn't finished. The fear was a nightmare enough for a child to endure. One needn't add guilt to that. Your mother needed you to be a child, not her parent,  and I'm sure she understood. She would not want an unhappy little girl, and even less would she want an miserable, guilt-ridden, grown daughter. Most parents want nothing more for their children than their happiness. You deserve that. 

posted by RPresta on October 29, 2017 at 10:46 PM | link to this | reply

First of all, you were a CHILD! You weren't expected to behave or think as an adult. Give yourself permission to let the guilt go

posted by RPresta on October 29, 2017 at 10:40 PM | link to this | reply

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