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Re: Re: Re: Re: shellyb

gotcha.   Oh, and thanks for the link!  lol  

posted by shelly_b on August 8, 2017 at 6:44 PM | link to this | reply

Re: Re: Re: shellyb

Ask her if she still wants to talk about the shoes or whatever.   and tell her whatever is true.   you remember feeling jealous or envy or depressed or mad... whatever you were... just have a real conversation about it.  No BUTS.   and let her ask more questions... don't just keep saying you're sorry.

But before you have that conversation, you have to admit it all to yourself first.  

the key is to be open and honest and to stop being defensive and mad at her for being mad at you.  That's your pride and shame talking.  

try this book...



posted by -blackcat on August 8, 2017 at 12:54 PM | link to this | reply

Re: Re: shellyb

I guess I just don't know what else to say about the situation.  What else can I say?  She really doesn't question it anymore...besides the shoes...oh, and something about a letter that I have no clue about.  So what in the heck am I suppose to say?

posted by shelly_b on August 8, 2017 at 12:24 PM | link to this | reply


Of course I'm sorry that the relationship with your friend is what it is. But I haven't the slightest clue about how to deal with that...

posted by Nautikos on August 8, 2017 at 10:59 AM | link to this | reply

Re: shellyb

from your posts in the past, it seemed like you were always on the defensive and never truly wanted to talk about it.  For you, it feels like so long ago and you wanted to make your apology and be done.  It was 20 years ago!  (as if that makes some difference?)  For her, every time she sees you, it still feels present, and she had alot of questions.  It seemed like she never had a full open conversation with you.  

Maybe it didn't matter to you as much as it did to her.  It may be too late now, as she knows you will be reactive and you aren't understanding of her need to talk about it. So she probably won't try again.  I wouldn't.  But sadly, that means it will probably always be there for both of you.  

Betrayal is a tough thing.  There is more to an apology than admitting you did it and saying you're sorry.  Have you ever felt severly betrayed?  Try to think about what you would have needed in that situation... 

posted by -blackcat on August 8, 2017 at 6:00 AM | link to this | reply

Re: Kabu

I have done all of what you said... except the walking away part.  I have a hard time cutting people loose. 

posted by -blackcat on August 8, 2017 at 5:41 AM | link to this | reply

Re: RPresta

For me, it was about our friendship, not the guy.  If you had a serious relationship with someone that ended very badly.. it was hurtful...and your friend was there for you.   How do you then stay close with that friend if she starts dating him?   It's awkward... plus it's a betrayal of loyalty (which she knew, since she asked permission).  I could never do the reverse unless I was okay with destroying the friendship.  

I don't know how to explain it if you've never been in the situation... would you befriend the enemy of your closest friend... and then expect to stay friends?   


posted by -blackcat on August 8, 2017 at 5:40 AM | link to this | reply


I agree with Kabu, in that we have to be true to ourselves; our own innate nature. Whatever or whenever someone else says something to the effect that it's okay, doesn't necessarily work for you personally. You've said your piece, she's said hers. So where do you go from here? But she may never understand your POV from what I'm reading. Personally, if I was through with someone, I wouldn't care who or what they dated, as long as it was over FIRST. LOL!

posted by RPresta on August 7, 2017 at 9:29 PM | link to this | reply

I had a friendship with a couple of sisters in Sydney and I knew that they were empty but the friendship was fun and I accepted them on the terms that I knew that they were who they were. When finally they turned on me for information for my ex. I emailed them, tearing them each a new one and walked away. but that is me and we have to be ourselves where these situations are concerned.

posted by Kabu on August 7, 2017 at 4:44 PM | link to this | reply

Thank you for answering my question.  I read your reply in your other post but was unable to answer.  It's been a busy day!  


As you know, I'm going through a similar situation with my friend.  In my case, I was the backstabber.  Do I regret what I did?  Of course I do.  As long as we stay friends I have to live with the fact that I hurt my best friend.  We were like sisters.  And I have to keep reminding myself that things betwen us will never be the same, no matter how often I apologize, and admit to what I did. It will be an open wound that will never close between us.  


It's been 20 years since it happened.  She got the guy (they are still together), and we have had an off and on again friendship ever since.   Has she forgiven me?

I don't think so.  She says she has, but I think she is trying to convince herself to forgive me.  And she just can't let it go.  I want to move on and just be done with it all.  Of course, it's easier for me since I was the backstabber.

There is not really an excuse for what your friend did, or what I did. I do hope she finally admits to it and talks about it.  I don't pretend that nothing has happened, I'm just tired and have no more energy to discuss it.

And just knowing how you are I'm not surprised that you didn't break the friendship off.  Of course, I understand the limits.  

posted by shelly_b on August 7, 2017 at 3:46 PM | link to this | reply

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