Comments on Teaching a Child about Death

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Saw a line in a book may have been "1984"

where the children are given chocolate on "dying day" ... I took that to heart and in those conversations with my kids now 13,14 it was/is discussed in much the same way as being born, puberty, and other life milestones.  It was harder for me to confess to being Santa since it revealed a lie.

posted by lammieboy on January 6, 2004 at 11:48 PM | link to this | reply

When my foiur year old first asked me "Mommy, why do people die?" I completely froze for the first time in my motherhood. I totally agree with jimmy, don't lie to him about anything concerning death!

Kids are much more intuitive than we give them credit for... follow his lead and trust your own instincts.

Bless you and your family.

posted by meagain on January 6, 2004 at 10:54 PM | link to this | reply

Kooka

A couple of years ago I sought advice about what to tell my son about me having cancer. He was seven. My doctor and the books I read suggested not mentioning the word cancer but just explaining in simple terms that I was sick and that I would be treated in hospital and everything would be ok. Recently my father-in-law died and we warned my son that his grandfather was very sick, too sick to live and he was not himself. Don't overload your chiled with details as they can be scary for a child but just put him in the picture and tell him that if he can ask you questions any time he wishes.
Re the memorial service - make a plan that is flexible and enables him to go with you or elsewhere depending on what seems right on the day.

posted by beachbelle on January 6, 2004 at 6:15 PM | link to this | reply

I WOULD SUGGEST that...

you not push the subject either way; but most importantly, do not lie to him "for his own good"...lies to children are a special kind of break of trust and they won't forget or forgive.

posted by jimmy68 on January 6, 2004 at 6:06 PM | link to this | reply

My mother died a slow, terrible death with lung cancer (cigarettes!), so my heart goes out to you and your family. Lots of folks have varying views about what to tell children about death. But I think you might be able to tell your 4 yr in words that he can understand, just enough so he isn't confused.

posted by Passionflower on January 6, 2004 at 5:48 PM | link to this | reply