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Thanks so much
for the constructive criticism. I really appreciate it. I agree that it was a little obscure. I'm changing it to reflect what I really want to express...
The pity was that you meant something kind by it, but then you heard the laugh and you knew that what you meant didn't matter, not at all. Your words froze artificial.
This reflects how I feel sometimes in brief passing moments, when someone's reactions to my words act as a mirror that reveals a higher truth. The higher truth in this case being that we hold onto things like beauty and use them as friends in the form of medication through affirmation, to try to address a pain that is much deeper than we could ever reach.
posted by
marzieh
on
November 23, 2003
at
8:23 PM
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reply
I like what you've got here, an interesting character that grabs my attention. I like the ambivalence (attraction/repulsion) kinda thing going on between the narrator and this character.
I didn't get what you were trying to say with this sentence...
The pity was that you meant something by it, but then you heard the laugh and you knew that what you meant didn't matter, not at all.
Meant something by what?
I think you've got good ideas here, and with a little polishing a piece like this could be developed into something really great.
Overall on BN I think there's not enough criticism (the constructive kind) and I am making it a point to offer people my critiques. If you would like to return the favor, you could check out my fragments of our existence column, which has some short prose.
posted by
stream_of_thoughts
on
November 22, 2003
at
7:05 PM
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