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ciel

I am the eldest, the other three are sisters. As long as they were unmarried, there was almost a serious sibling rivalry with two. or, that's how I felt, I being very egoistic then. All this has changed, and now we maintain a healthy relationship.

posted by Bhaskar.ing on April 13, 2009 at 11:48 PM | link to this | reply

Re: Peers are as important as parents,

No.  I was the third of four boys.  I actually had a good relationship with my brothers, too.  It was my classmates that tormented me.

posted by cpklapper on April 13, 2009 at 4:57 PM | link to this | reply

Peers are as important as parents,

as influences on a child.  I have come to appreciate how much my sister messed with my head and heart, how much room I gave her to hurt me, or make me happy.  She certainly did the one, not so much the other.  Sadly, the relationship with a spouse can easily mimic the dynamics learned with a sibling and turn into rivalry instead of partnership.

It sounds like you had the best kind of relationship with your parents.  Were you an only-child? 

posted by Ciel on April 10, 2009 at 3:21 PM | link to this | reply

What you went through with your parents, I did with my peers

... with a similar effect.  I still have a tendency to view friends suspiciously and expect that my love will be answered by betrayal, hate and exclusion.

On the other hand, I have been blessed with the warm, white gleam of ecstatic Love from my earliest youth.  That has sustained me through the years and is the source of what people consider to be my "good" or "ethical" behavior.  Ethics have nothing to do with it.  Nor does it have anything to do with my relationship with my parents, which instead of discipline, was primarily one of sharing interests.  Singing, dancing, drawing, painting and giving flowers to my Mom.  Exploring, watching him make bookcases and work on his car,  trying new foods, puzzles, discussing history, politics, economics, mathematics and science with my Dad.

Cheers,
Carl Peter

posted by cpklapper on April 10, 2009 at 12:52 PM | link to this | reply

Ciel, like you, I didn't raise my kids with absolutist threats...

...but, by informing them, from which they form the basis of rational choices.
And, as they've gone...and will go...through life, their own observations will either confirm or negate my words, as your experiences have taught you.
Excellent post!

posted by metalrat on March 31, 2009 at 4:28 PM | link to this | reply

Interesting points...

there must be a balance somewhere ,wish I knew where. Bo says Woof!

posted by Whacky on March 25, 2009 at 8:40 PM | link to this | reply

Re: Spooky

But in a nice way!

posted by Ciel on March 25, 2009 at 10:43 AM | link to this | reply

Spooky

posted by Troosha on March 25, 2009 at 8:44 AM | link to this | reply

Cookies out of the same box, Troosha...?

And now, both of us poets with a penchant for pretty pictures and living under the same sky, or close to it...

posted by Ciel on March 25, 2009 at 8:42 AM | link to this | reply

Ciel

Do/did we live parallel lives?  Man, it was like reading about my life. 

posted by Troosha on March 25, 2009 at 8:24 AM | link to this | reply

Re: TAPS, still less those that are not merely perceived...

You are right of course and I did not mean to lessen the lesson by throwing in the word "perceived".   I'm well aware of PTSD as a result of parental abuse.  Strains of it run in my own extended family and it is horrible.

posted by TAPS. on March 24, 2009 at 12:03 PM | link to this | reply

TAPS, still less those that are not merely perceived...

in either case, the damage is real.  The difference is, if it was only a perception, an adult can come around to seeing that it was a false perception, and make their own internal adjustments.  It is easier to cope with misunderstanding than real violence. 

Post-traumatic stress occurs from long-drawn-out abusive situations, though mostly we think of single violent incidents as causing it.  And violence doesn't have to be loud or abrupt either. 

posted by Ciel on March 24, 2009 at 11:45 AM | link to this | reply

Wow!  A good example of how parents have trouble being parents.  Parenting is no easy matter.  It is so easy to err and almost impossible to correct any error that has been made, for a child never forgets a perceived injury to his/her psyche.

posted by TAPS. on March 24, 2009 at 11:32 AM | link to this | reply