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Re: Mysteria....McKnife
Thank you for your thoughts and contribution to mine. I work so hard at my remedy. I really feel like damaged goods....sigh. Anyway...good thing I have a very strong work ethic. I left this coment on your blog
Thank you for the kind remarks on my blog. I think the memories persist like this in order to serve as a warning to save me from future similar harms. I must have really been fearing for my life to have it be such a huge warning sign in the forefront of my consciousness like that. It serves a purpose but it is overkill...
posted by
mysteria
on September 13, 2008 at 3:58 PM
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Mysteria....
...When I read things like this, it makes me wonder why we aren't born with "delete" buttons, so that there would be no need to suffer on and on. I remember once being madly in love with a woman who liked me, but wasn't interested in me beyond that. Oh, the pain.... And I remember thinking how great it would be if I could just delete all awareness of her from my memory by flicking some switch. Makes me wonder if being forced to suffer through these things is a design flaw or if it works that way for a reason. What reason, I can't imagine, but who knows.... Anyway, I hope someday soon that you wake up and this thing will have disappeared...
posted by
McKnife
on September 13, 2008 at 2:39 PM
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mysteria, I'm so glad that the question was rhetorical so that I would not feel compelled to try to find an answer. I know he doesn't, but to try to convince someone of that, who has been through what you have been through.....well....no one could. The assurance of His love for you would have to come direct from him to you.
posted by
TAPS.
on September 13, 2008 at 11:20 AM
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TAPS...I know, it's just awful
I can't believe that people could do that to each other. I live in the modern western world and suffer just a tiny fraction of what other women in less developed areas suffer. When I think of the atrocities committed world wide I want to shrivel up and die. I know great suffering and pain and I can't imagine it being any worse but it is. I read of women in Afganistan who are were repeatedly raped by soldiers and how they begged to be killed rather than suffer any more assaults... So sad, why does God hate women and girls? That is a rhetorical question but it sure seems that way....
posted by
mysteria
on September 13, 2008 at 11:03 AM
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Hi Sam444 I should love to be free of this plague but for whatever reason
I have a lot of difficulty getting beyond it. Many people tell me that I have a great spark of life in my eyes and I am sure that spirit is what keeps me going and also the thought that when I am well I can help others in their healing...
posted by
mysteria
on September 13, 2008 at 10:59 AM
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Hi Sam444 I should love to be free of this plague but for whatever reason
I have a lot of difficulty getting beyond it. Many people tell me that I have a great spark of life in my eyes and I am sure that spirit is what keeps me going and also the thought that when I am well I can help others in their healing...
posted by
mysteria
on September 13, 2008 at 10:59 AM
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Re: Oh man...what a horrible thing to have gone through.. Shelly
Thank you...you are sweet and you are right it was horrible. It's been so long and the trauma is raw in my mind like it just happened....Time can really warp...
posted by
mysteria
on September 13, 2008 at 10:56 AM
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Re: Re: Re: Mysteria, myrrhage
So kind your thoughts, I appreciate it a lot and yes I know what you mean. I would like to help others deflect their sorrows too. That is my goal. Once I get better to where I have some energy beyond just coping, I plan on being an advocate for people like me...
Thank you myrrhage. Your kindness means the world to me (((((((((myrrhage))))))) And I hope you are okay too. I know it is so hard living through that hell on earth. So many innocents suffer so much...for what?
posted by
mysteria
on September 13, 2008 at 10:55 AM
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Re: Mysteria... Hi Sunnybeach
Thank you so much for telling me your story. It helps to be around others who can relate. I am just sorry that there are so many victims/survivors of this horrible plague. I get really frustrated because it seems the judicial system blames victims and goes very light on perpetrator sentences. Only to be let out again to hurt others further.
I was molested too by sadist stepbrothers between the ages of 6 and 12.
Which of course complicates things to no end. I was horribly brutalized by them as well and surely have much to get over in that regard. Right now in therapy I work on so much and it feels so overwhelming at times. The rape trauma was the scariest as by then I knew more of the danger I was in because I was older, and he kidnapped me and I thought he was going to kill me for certain. I begged and begged him to take me home please! over and over and he wouldn't listen . He just kept driving farther and farther away into the far away deep darkness. I couldn't get away! I wanted to jump from his speeding car! I looked for every escape possible but he had it all planned out. It is so scary what people are capable of. I can't fathom it, I really can't. It is totally backward from what motivates me...
posted by
mysteria
on September 13, 2008 at 10:52 AM
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Re: Mysteria...Hi Food4thought
Thank you for helping relate to me...it is very nice of you to take the time to send your support my way. I really appreciate it. And yes, I am subject to SAD as well, and thank you for reminding me to watch out for that. That considered, I am also quite sure the problem gained on me at the dentist the other day. Going to the dentist and other medical appointments can trigger flashbacks for me. As in there is a man (dentist) he puts me in a chair and then reclines it and then proceeds to inflict pain upon me. And I have to stay there till he is finished. It is very similar and I fully understand the connections in my logic mind, it is the emotional mind that freaks out....
Thank you again, you are a nice friend 
posted by
mysteria
on September 13, 2008 at 10:41 AM
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Re: Re: Mysteria, myrrhage
Mysteria, we all know each other for a reason. Human beings are not meant to shoulder their burdens alone. If I can take on a tiny part of your pain so you can have a bit of breathing room, it is my glad duty to do so. As a survivor of childhood molestation myself, I can understand a little of what you're going through. Only a little, but at least it's something...
posted by
myrrhage
on September 13, 2008 at 10:40 AM
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Re: Mysteria, myrrhage
hello, thank you for the candle and the nice thoughts. I feel so alone and I also feel bad about venting all this here but I am a recluse due to many issues of personal violation by my so-called fellows. I went to my therapist yesterday and I told him an abbreviated version of what happened and I could see in his eyes that I made him feel sad...I hate that part about this! I hate having others feel sad for me! It is my poison and others shouldn't have to suffer...
posted by
mysteria
on September 13, 2008 at 10:35 AM
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Mysteria,
What a horrible thing to go through! I will light a candle for you, and will send warmth and healing thoughts your way.
posted by
myrrhage
on September 12, 2008 at 11:27 PM
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Mysteria...
Mere words cannot undo the damage to your life, yet we feel compelled to try. Perhaps with the onset of fall and winter you are starting to feel the effects of SAD, Seasonal Affected Disorder. I know every fall I feel down for a while until I realize what it is. Add that to your already horrible burden and you would no doubt feel worse, if that's what is going on, that is. You are alive for the good times, few and far between as they may be and to remind us never to let monsters like that man walk free and never pay for their crimes. I don't know if it helps, but my heart aches for you and it is always hard to see you suffer so. As for therapy being a long road, it is the longest of roads that lead to the greatest rewards.
posted by
food4thought
on September 12, 2008 at 10:49 PM
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Mysteria...
I can slightly relate to a little of your fear.
As someone who was sexually assaulted at around 3 years of age...though I was lucky enough to get away before too much occurrence, it left a scar on my life that lasted for years and still exists today.
I hate and am afraid of people in general, and up till I was nearly 20 something, I wouldn't talk to many people, including family and the few friends I had...except a few, like my mother, grandmother, and maybe 3 other kids.
I never told my family (in many ways, at the time, I didn't even understand what happened) , and I never got the help for this and many other childhood "issues" till starting about 7 years ago.
I don't know how long you have been in therapy, but I can tell you it is a long, slow road.
The success that I have had with many of my issues comes from working within myself...not really due to therapy, but spirituality.
A good starting point is learning to love yourself. Learning to accept and forgive you. You can have small successes that may help with life.
I'm not sure that I can really offer any good advice... I know much easier said than done, but try not to stress over it so much, the more energy you give to it, the more powerful it will seem.
If the meds are making you feel crappy, ask them to change them...as many times as it takes. There is no miracle drug that is going to take all the pain away...but you can find something that will at least not make you feel crappy all the time, though it seems they all have "some" side effects.
(((((Mysteria)))))
posted by
Afzal_Sunny7
on September 12, 2008 at 8:14 PM
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Oh man...what a horrible thing to have gone through..
my thoughts are with you and I'm hoping you will find the strength you need to overcome this.
posted by
shelly_b
on September 12, 2008 at 5:44 PM
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I am a rape victim as well. It never goes away but if you can't find a way to forgive the perp you life will continued to stolen from you! You are only ruined if you believe that. I have read you faithfully for some time now and I find you to be a great human being with exceptional abilities. I would never make light of what happened to you for I know the particular pain in depth but at some point you must trust yourself to make good decisions and find people who will love you ingenuously. Don't let the incident steal another moment. sam
posted by
sam444
on September 12, 2008 at 4:55 PM
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That is so terrible, mysteria. I can't even imagine going through something like that.
posted by
TAPS.
on September 12, 2008 at 4:41 PM
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