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jfm
I’m kind of a firm believer that however it hits the page for you, is how the poem should be. I’m sure you did some tweaking before you posted it and obviously considered the significance of the third stanza and decided it should be there. So... having gone with your gut, I think you created (as Katray said) a very peaceful piece.
posted by
Troosha
on May 16, 2008 at 8:47 AM
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Jfm32,
I enjoyed the verse as is; I'm not very good at rewrites or editing...:) This poem fanned open into a feeling of peace/calm for myself. Thank you!
posted by
Katray2
on May 15, 2008 at 1:47 PM
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I like it just the way it is, It came from you like that and it should stay like that because first drafts are usually the truest to the poets mind. Sometimes we can fix one word here or there, but I disagree with Elyse, I would not ad that line, your intended meaning is well expressed as it is now and the poem makes a statement as a whole, Don't cut it. It would be like prunning a flowering bush. :-) It is honest and straight forward. Perhaps it says too much of what makes you, you. Maybe that is why you want to change it? Hmmmmmmmm :-)
posted by
Sinome
on May 14, 2008 at 9:23 PM
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"Revolves around 3rd stanza and it's choises:"
1. end the poem here, and let the 2nd voice travel to another poem, and just obliterate 2nd part.
2. Delete this stanza. What's its necessity to the voice of the piece?
3. Keep it, but why? Without it would the poem work better?
4. And is 2nd part too busy?
Dear John (I always wanted to write that...)
actually,
I am one not to really want to toss something unless I have used all my cues
If I may:
FOR TODAY ONLY
I’m re-documenting a faith, today
with little stars and tiny green arrows
crossed within a hue of blue
Perhaps nothing will be noticed
if the tree does not creak, or
the hand does not tremble
Perhaps nothing will be noticed , at all
if something does not happen
Perhaps nothing will be noticed , at all
(add next line:) all or nothing
if something does not happen
(if you choose to keep this verse, I like the way it speaks from the outside
all three words combine :
every part of --- all (World)
not anything --- nothing (erased; detached; void)
a little or great ---- something (faith)
but this is my poetic mind seeing, offering...I respect your choices; This is your final choice what to keep and what to use...it's from your pen, your heart, your muse. (your thoughts).
Yes, I’m re-affirming my faith, today
with the silence of a basking log
And with the soundless abandon of
brushless strokes, and the roar of a pebble
I shall paint in my mind
and for today only
this vision of the World at rest
Wonderful poem. I enjoyed ~Elyse
posted by
elysianfields
on May 14, 2008 at 8:49 PM
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Yes. But since this is the ongoing, how best to reply? From inner nature, or from it's outside?
posted by
jfm32
on May 14, 2008 at 7:27 PM
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i dont know my friend if this would help....
Perhaps nothing will be noticed , at all
if something does not happen
"or something never change, but perhaps.
it won't be nothing to notice if i keep my faith in one piece"
posted by
__Purple_Mermaid11__
on May 14, 2008 at 7:13 PM
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Hi, everyone. On this one I'm looking for structural language ctriticism because I need it. Revolves around 3rd stanza and it's choises:
1. end the poem here, and let the 2nd voice travel to another poem, and just obliterate 2nd part.
2. Delete this stanza. What's its necessity to the voice of the piece?
3. Keep it, but why? Without it would the poem work better?
4. And is 2nd part too busy?
Looking foward to your thoughful, and I hpoe, your critical ideas.
John
posted by
jfm32
on May 14, 2008 at 5:15 PM
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