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Re: Re: Hagi
I hope you don't mind I reposted previous comment in my other blog, "Marginal Notes", I feel that you're not the only one who could find the advice helpful. If you feel uneasy being "criticized" publicly, just let me know, and the entry will be gone :)
posted by
hagi
on March 15, 2008 at 10:33 AM
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Re: Hagi
Trust me, no hurt feelings were gained because of your comment. I know exactly what you mean. And re-reading the story as many times i've had...everything you've said to me has registered. Everytime I read I think ...the characters are there...but they need to be more devloped. Because it seems you only get to know who they are through what they say....not how they think. I know exactly what you mean. And trust me...I appreciate everything you have said. I know it still needs some work, but I wanted to put it on here to get people's inputs. My boyfriend has been reading it....steadily 
....but he has to be nice. I am definitly trying to incorporate the additions you suggested in the sequel. I have a couple more chapters of it written....but it's on my file at school....which probably means on not focusing on my school work as much as i should be 
Thank You So Much 
posted by
serendipity09
on March 15, 2008 at 8:31 AM
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Hello Stephanie!
I read the first story, thank you for sharing! I like the fast pace and the way you portray Jessica, it's quite a character :)
However, if you don't mind, I'd like to add a few comments that, I hope, would help you further. Just some things I picked up along the way of my own writing.
First, and this is the most important, you are not afraid of making your characters to confront really harsh situations, like killing one's best friend (after experiencing his betrayal), or one's absent father. However, what I think is lacking, is the real feelings that hide beneath these choices. Give your characters time to think, time to doubt, time to accuse themselves and explore their attitude. Give a werewolf a time to feel the pain of changing into monster - or a pain of being imprisoned in this weak and ugly human body during all the month except one or two nights in the month. Give your characters time to be angry and frustrated before they accept their being in love with the worst enemy. Give Jessica a time to think before she accepts her fate - after all, she hasn't felt much good form humans (her parents are absent, her stepfather is beating her, her best friend deceived her, and she doesn't trust her teachers), but her acquaintances in vampire world are if not lovable then at least interesting (and "interesting", as we all know well, is sometimes more enticing than "right") - so why does she choose to kill those who make her life worth living? In order to save those who make her life miserable? Or because of Jessica's mother, who didn't even care enough to share her true nature with her daughter?
The heart and blood of the story is not in "what happens", it's in "how it happens". And "why".
Second, pay attention to details. And all the senses, not just vision and hearing. Devil might not be in them, but the magic surely is :) It's a casual smile that turns the world, the smell of dust that makes the place abandoned, the sweet, metallic taste of blood that makes you sick and angry, the softness of skin beneath your fingers that makes your breathe faster.
And, the third advice - it is not enough to run the text through the spellchecker. It doesn't catch all the mistakes. So re-read your story, looking for such minor, but annoying mistakes as "week" instead of "weak" or "mist" instead of "midst", or "site" instead of "sight".
However, please don't feel bad because of my comment, I really do think you write an interesting prose, and you have much time to improve your writing - as, no doubt, you'll do. Besides, these suggestions are what I have to remind myself all the time - especially the second.
Good luck with the sequel, I'll be reading!
posted by
hagi
on March 15, 2008 at 7:58 AM
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