Comments on + The apology

Go to Writing and IAdd a commentGo to + The apology

Re: Ariala
Thank you .. it's nice to know what your thoughts are about my style of writing .. i'll try more imagery in the future .. i woud want to experience that as well .. but i hope you can tell that i write that way cuz of the simplicity it offers?

posted by Angesom_AG on January 26, 2008 at 9:16 AM | link to this | reply

This is lovely

Thanks much for sharing it.

Also, thanks for stopping by my blog recently!

posted by NightMajik on January 23, 2008 at 4:22 AM | link to this | reply

It seems you are ready for Valentines day.....

posted by star4sky5 on January 22, 2008 at 10:15 PM | link to this | reply

I liked the line...
I sing for your presence.

posted by food4thought on January 22, 2008 at 9:33 PM | link to this | reply

delicious words to read... beautiful love

posted by pelagus on January 22, 2008 at 7:46 PM | link to this | reply

Angesom
Thank you for visiting my blog.  Somehow, I have missed seeing you.  Now that I know you are here, I will have to read you more often.  I like your style.

posted by TAPS. on January 22, 2008 at 6:27 PM | link to this | reply

Hi there!

Sorry, I didn't mean to neglect you...as for teaching, here are the main rules I try to go by:

1. Am I saying something in original, fresh language or repeating the words often heard in songs, etc.?  In other words, NO CLICHES.
2. Do I rhyme just because I've been taught poetry rhymes?  No need to rhyme unless it comes naturally and you're wanting a metered poem.
3. Show don't tell...too many people tell how they feel but they don't show it...in other words, instead of saying ANGRY, SAD, LOVE, etc...use metaphors, similes and descriptive words that show these emotions.
4. Search for strong imagery, and appeal to all the senses...

As for your poem, here are some thoughts:

Empty a bottomless pit (bottomless pit is a cliche...what's another word for it? 

Level the greatest summit  (excellent phrase)

I crave to undo the hurt (crave and hurt just don't jive...maybe ache?)

 

 

Change is on the way my love (show, don't tell)

Don’t be afraid  

The clouds will rain

And sun will shine again

I’ll have (All these lines are overused, cliches)

Oasis warm (good imagery and description)

Devoted to only you (show devotion)

Elements in it

Moving to your tune

Soon

 

Life’s having you here (by my side)

 

I feel powerless

Lacking the very essence of my being

I sing for your presence

Longing to hear you rhyme these words to me:

 

Change is on the way my love

Don’t be afraid

The clouds will rain

And sun will shine again

I’ll have

Oasis warm

Devoted to only you

Elements in it

Moving to your tune

Soon



 

I love you.

 

Sorry, but the rest is just in language that's overdone, cliche...we need fresh imagery...maybe build around oasis...

Hope that helps!

posted by Ariala on January 22, 2008 at 4:31 PM | link to this | reply

beautifully done

posted by quietguy7 on January 22, 2008 at 3:22 PM | link to this | reply

How very lovely Angesom! Chris.

posted by Scramble on January 22, 2008 at 12:45 PM | link to this | reply

I enjoyed it, Angesom

posted by Kayzzaman on January 22, 2008 at 9:51 AM | link to this | reply

Angesom
We should all be an "oasis" for the person we love....

posted by Troosha on January 22, 2008 at 9:22 AM | link to this | reply

a song of love-- your musical energies dominate here & sunshine breaks in

http://t3.images.live.com/images/thumbnail.aspx?q=1489198063670&id=b44fa7ee9aa63d1836be377048496b3f

posted by ILLUMINATI8 on January 22, 2008 at 8:54 AM | link to this | reply

Beautiful !

posted by afzal50 on January 22, 2008 at 7:38 AM | link to this | reply

posted by flappergirl on January 22, 2008 at 7:15 AM | link to this | reply