Comments on False tears

yes richinstore you're right - this poem has come on a bit of a genesis and I keep tampering with it - this was its previous permutation

FALSE TEARS

the woman with the umbrella
is carrying her space

protected from the rain
she replaces where it is falling
with a down-pouring of rainless space

a blot of moving shadow
her umbrella imitates the darkness overhead
mocking it
with its rainless exertions

...but a friend rewrote this poem in a way that I think is much better and that showed me my poem was too wordy (as well as adding the 'crocodile tears') - her re-write to me is the poem I would like to have written - but I can't claim it, so now I am tampering with my version again, but trying to avoid ripping off her insights - this is my friend's version:

crocodile tears
the woman
is carrying her space
a rainless downpour
under the streaming sky

her umbrella
a moving shadow
mocks the darkness overhead
with its dry exertions