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when love turns to hate
I had a friend who would introduce herself and her husband, then say " We've been happily married for ten years," then pause and announce "Ten out of fifteen isn't bad."
I think we've forgotten that we take the good with the bad and it makes us stronger.
mamajoy
posted by
mama_joy
on September 27, 2007 at 5:46 AM
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Tattered Knight
Reading Krisles, I find a lot of similarities. I am being manipulated by alternating responses. I'd take indifference, it's easier than this. My spouse neglected me for years, even while I was ill, and only woke up to how much he needed me when I said I wanted to leave. He changed overnight and expected me to just fall back into place. When I said I couldn't, things went out of control. Counselling was a waste of time, as far as he was concerned, because he was only interested in setting me straight. I can't even separate at this point (unless I want a war) because he can't handle it. I don't hate him, I just want him to go away.
posted by
mneme
on September 21, 2007 at 5:44 AM
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if you truely love, you never stop loving,
some do not have the courage to leave, some do. you are right about some try to get the other to do the leaving so they dont have to be the bad guy.
posted by
callista22001
on September 21, 2007 at 5:39 AM
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Good questions.
Roses
from me and Bo =^..^= the wonder dog!
posted by
Whacky
on September 20, 2007 at 9:12 PM
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I think that love can definitely turn into hate or at least into
disillusionment. When you realize your spouse is a complete stranger, you lose the love you felt for the person you thought he was.
posted by
le_divorcee
on September 20, 2007 at 7:47 AM
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Tattered_Knight
You have some good, valid questions here, Tattered_Knight. You also have received some wonderful and thought-provoking comments. Good subject matter.
posted by
TAPS.
on September 19, 2007 at 11:43 PM
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If the marriage has been since youth, people do grow and change.
I’m certainly not the girl I was in my first marriage at twenty years old or the woman I was in my second marriage at thirty-five. I divorced in each case for the two reasons you mentioned but both marriages were based upon need not love. My views on marriage have changed considerably over these past ten years since living alone.
That’s why I believe in long-term courting, ruling out all the dependent need factors like physical intimacy, sharing finances, etc. and spending time getting to know the person inside out first. If the passion is obviously present, you can prove the commitment and intentions of another by avoiding physical involvement until other attributes either present themselves or the contrary. If you find along the way certain attributes like, compatibility, mutual interests, mutual core values, admiration, respect and honor, then you have attributes to base commitment on. It may not sound very passionate or romantic (that is the best part yet to come), more like a business partnership, but by golly, that’s what a good marriage is! A business partnership with benefits!
I can only consider one opinion for your question regarding splitting up to avoid resentment as opposed to holding on because one still feels love; It is a mutually agreed upon partnership. If one partner is no longer willing, the other has no other choice. Trying to hold on to whatever love you may feel alone, is useless. We can’t change the heart of another, just our own.
We can choose to let go of love and move on. It doesn’t mean our love ends, just takes on an acceptance and respect for the needs of the other. It may sound corny or cliché, but if someone truly loves, separation or divorce won’t end the love. Love doesn’t die, it just changes form. Sometimes letting go makes love grows stronger, sometimes letting go makes love fade. I see love as an entity that feeds itself and changes form through time and truth. 
posted by
roadscross
on September 19, 2007 at 10:20 PM
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i think in this world of disposables relationships and people are affected
by this throwawy society.
posted by
proc
on September 19, 2007 at 8:45 PM
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tattered, it is this insane system which is ruining lives!
posted by
Soul_Builder101
on September 19, 2007 at 8:12 PM
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t knight
the more you hate, the more you'd love to hate.
posted by
richinstore
on September 19, 2007 at 8:08 PM
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It can be a combination of all those elements together
which makes for pretty nasty fights.
posted by
Matie
on September 19, 2007 at 7:59 PM
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tattered
to be honest I have no emotions toward him, except he caused me to be bitter
posted by
Lanetay
on September 19, 2007 at 1:06 PM
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if you ask me, I think that people step into marriage for all the wrong
reasons in the first place, and race into it without thinking about it, not realizing that it IS a very serious decision. I don't think that being in love is a good enough reason to get married.
posted by
FineYoungSinger
on September 19, 2007 at 12:59 PM
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Knight
I believe that the emotion "hate" in this case is not for the person he/she is with. I say this because you mention that the couple "doen't have feelings" for eachother anymore. So I believe that there is just indifference.
But still I do believe hate can exist "in the relationship" ... but it is hate for the situation the person is in, a hate of being locked in the relationship... unless ofcourse the other person is forcing hin to stay.
But I believe that when we don't have the "courage"(or whatever other reason) to get out of relationship that we aren't happy in, then we do start to create a form of hate by doing things that will make the other person leave us (instead of us leaving them).
posted by
Sheilah
on September 19, 2007 at 12:56 PM
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TK,
My mum and dad finally divorced when I was 18 years old, though if you were to ask me, I'd tell you straight faced and without the slightest remorse that they should have done so about eight years sooner.
I don't say this out of non-love or disrespect for either of them, but simply because in my eyes, it's the truth. When I was a kid, I had to bear witness to countless fights, some of them physical...and the emotional abuse spilled out like a river on an almost daily basis.
They finally learned to at least be civil and to like one another again, but they hated each other for the longest time after their marriage ended.
Cruel and heartless as this will probably sound, I'm glad I'm not married and can't have children. I'd never want to hate the person I married or to inflict that hatred on our children.
posted by
lovelyladymonk
on September 19, 2007 at 11:15 AM
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Love and hate are not opposites.
The opposite of love is indifference. When you realize your spouse is indifferent to your feelings, your rights, etc. you know the marriage is over. Sometimes habit keeps two indifferent people in one house, sharing a life. I believe the divorce rate is a consequence of some of our cultural myths: we believe in "falling in love," we share the delusion that passion and lust not only make up for other shortcomings, we expect the first romantic flush to last forever. Few people marry to establish an enterprise and a family. Maybe if we considered the features and qualities of a partner as seriously as we consider the pros and cons of buying a vehicle we'd be happier with our choices.
posted by
Pat_B
on September 19, 2007 at 11:08 AM
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Knight
I don't hate my husband, and have kept my vow to stay with him for 29 years now.....at the cost of happiness I might have had with a wiser choice. I've lived apart from him for most of the last 4 years. I don't hate, but I do resent the way he has used my willingness to understand and enable his mental illness....because I promised in sickness and in health. Divorce years ago may have made possible a happier match for both of us.....I still want it, but have to reach a place where I am sure he can handle it without going completely off the deep end. The problem with forever and continuing as we have....which he counts on my doing.....is that I've finally realized how little he must love me to use me like he does, letting me work like I have to in order to support the lifestyle he enjoys - he likes to live like, and pretend to people he is, a successful businessman.....but it means my working full-time after I retired, and I had only planned to work for luxury items like travel, etc., when I wanted to. I got very angry when I finally "woke up" to the reality of our lives.....but still can't hate him....it's just not in me.
posted by
Krisles
on September 19, 2007 at 8:59 AM
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I don't hate-- I think it is a word and a feeling we take for granted and
that saddens me more than having such strong feeling for a person. There is no room for hate-- it's too heavy a feeling to carry.
posted by
riri0322
on September 19, 2007 at 8:31 AM
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