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I am convinced my future wife is from another planet
'cause I'm not finding what I'm looking for on Earth.
posted by
AlienInsomniac
on November 23, 2007 at 8:33 PM
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My first publication
A great, great story! Somewhat reminiscent of Roger Zelazny, maybe. Have you ever read his story, "Half-Jack" (?) It's a goddamn classic if you ask me.
I am certainly no expert, nor a professional writing critic, but I think that maybe reducing a little of the "frat-boy" flavor within the story would make it somehow more powerful in a true science fiction sense. I like the anatomical thought process of the story, and the college flavor was great in the beginning. Towards the end, however, it seems as though the potential "power" within this short story lies in the mystery of the end of the mating ritual. As the reader, I was far more interested in determining what was actually going to happen to the protagonist, the blue girl, and even "Naten" than I was in caring if the protagonist actually "got laid" in the end!
I guess what I'm saying is that you had me hooked with a "Hitchcock-like" mating mystery ritual, more so than with a slightly humorous story about a future college kid on a quest to "get some".
Suggestions: Maybe the college kid "becomes" part of the ritual... if you know what I mean! Maybe the reader, led along by sexual interest and mystery, discovers in the final lines that the kid doesn't survive the ritual. See where I'm headed?
I just think that this story could be outstanding... even gripping... if it was slanted more toward a slightly bizarre, or even a terror-laced ending than based just in strange sexual humor.
I enjoyed your work a lot, and I hope that my comments/suggestions were not annoying in any way. Happy writing.
Amroth
posted by
amroth23
on September 19, 2007 at 11:38 AM
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posted by
teddypoet_TheGoodByeFade
on August 26, 2007 at 10:56 PM
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