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Excellent! 
posted by
Enigmatic68
on August 3, 2007 at 11:48 PM
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Excellent writing.
posted by
_Symphony_
on August 3, 2007 at 1:45 PM
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it's a very good scene,
and I am curious to know the synopsis of your screenplay. I've studied screenwriting extensively through college classes and a veritable mountain of books, but I only got about 20 pages into the actual writing before I stopped. It bugs me that I abandoned it, but I don't know why I did. Perhaps I will pick it up again one day.
One thing that struck me here was your frequent use of "we see" throughout. I don't remember from my studies if that is proper form or not, but for me personally, it breaks the flow because it makes me conscious of "me" reading rather than simply immersing myself in the scene. For instance, your line "We see him staring out into the rain." could simply be "He stares out into the rain."
posted by
Julia.
on August 3, 2007 at 9:51 AM
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exciting stuff. congratulations on completing your script. great stuff.
posted by
proc
on August 3, 2007 at 3:07 AM
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SSS
I've saved this - too tired now, it's almost 1:30 a.m., here. I want to give it my full attention. I commented on (and also saved) that other great poem that you dedicated to us! Thanks, so much! 
posted by
Enigmatic68
on August 2, 2007 at 11:22 PM
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Excellent expression . WEll said !
posted by
afzal50
on August 2, 2007 at 7:05 PM
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Offy - thanks! If you're back here, we'll do the "blogit" coffee run lol
posted by
SpencerStreetStation
on August 2, 2007 at 5:06 PM
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SSS
This is really good ya know!!! I just realized you are from NZ..I have been there a couple of times and explored both north and south. I love your country..
posted by
Offy
on August 2, 2007 at 5:00 PM
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NAJWA Thanks! With you "an Angel still rides in my whirlwind" Ezikiel
posted by
SpencerStreetStation
on August 2, 2007 at 4:54 PM
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I remember french song someone was singing to me but I go not know if my spelling will be rite but I know its meaning with many langueges here was the song
mon cher enfant ovre des eyes grand quand je tu vois d'est herues
je suis content ausie.....
....... Oh my sweet baby when I open your big eyes and I see you happy I am so happy too...
......I love your song but I wanted to be continue
,,,,your friend the stranger
posted by
NAJWA
on August 2, 2007 at 4:47 PM
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Thanks Hazel, two tapes on their way, and the cds to follow!
posted by
SpencerStreetStation
on August 2, 2007 at 4:40 PM
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WOW ! excellant !
posted by
hazel_st_cricket
on August 2, 2007 at 4:30 PM
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Ah, the infamous Thomas Welch has stopped in to say hello. Thank you
for your comment. Any feedback is good feedback!
posted by
SpencerStreetStation
on August 2, 2007 at 4:27 PM
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I lived this scene. Except it wasn't vodka. Like the movie "Groundhog Day", over and over again. I finally got it right and she walked into the room...LOL....This is good stuff.......I enjoyed it........
posted by
ThomasWelch
on August 2, 2007 at 3:43 PM
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