Comments on It's time to move on

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Julia, Its hard to say what the answers are but yes,therapy helped,

good friends helped,prayers helped and getting older has definitely helped.  I simply refuse to be unhappy as I feel my life is too valuable.  Thats not to say I dont feel unhappy from time to time.  I just refuse to let it bloody take root and make it's home here.  this is the home of contentment.  I have the right to keep unhappiness out.  hope things get better dear. 

posted by proc on July 23, 2007 at 1:13 PM | link to this | reply

Julia:

There's no time but the present time; the future is not ours. If we would live oue lives sublime; improve the present hours.

Yesterday is past; tomorrow is not yet come. Train your thoughts on todays positives. You'll be surprised how happy you'll be.

posted by EX_TURPI on July 20, 2007 at 2:12 PM | link to this | reply

Well,

surely you have sought some sort of "therapy" to deal with this, haven't you?  Aren't there all sorts of things that those "psychie" people suggest to help you get past it?

While it is always a painful subject, I would hope one could make it so that it doesn't define _you_. It does not have to...and maybe that is where you are not letting go? Kinda like how I have known people who say they are not defined by their disability.

posted by FactorFiction on July 20, 2007 at 2:00 PM | link to this | reply

Julia

You know you will be in my prayers.  Let it go: this was not your burden to carry in the first place.  Big hugs to you!!

posted by bel_1965 on July 20, 2007 at 7:29 AM | link to this | reply

I think that everyone has something from their past that haunts them or

brings them down.  Of course, everything is relative and at the same time, everyone deals with things differently. 

Anyways... my point in the end is that we can never forget.  We can only learn, grow and determine how we let our past shape our future.  I do believe that we have a choice.... because only we can let it affect us. 

The best way that I personally have found to free myself from my own hurt is to try to help others that have gone through a similar experience.  Just reaching out and talking to them, relaying my experience and advice, has unexpectedly been very healing for me. 

Hang in there... and remember, you only get one life... try to enjoy it the best you can! 

posted by -blackcat on July 19, 2007 at 8:36 PM | link to this | reply

Julia, I've been thinking on this one for quite sometime,

and your question about 'How.' It's so easy for anyone to say to another; just move on, get over it and such. I believe the proof is in the pudding, in other words, don't just tell me to get past this issue, show me how. I have gone through several issues (none ever of this magnitude); abuse, miscarriages, divorces, many childhood issues, deaths, etc., where I've eventually (& I don't use eventually lightly), been able to let go and move on. They were not accomplished by someone saying, let go & move on.  They were accomplished when first my perspective changed and then my perspective changed my heart. Some synapses in my brain needed to be re-wired in order to view the picture 'stuck' inside my head from a different perspective before my brain could begin changing my heart. Once my heart had changed I was (born again), for a lack of better term, into another human who was not injured. I'm working very diligently on a piece regarding this three-step perspective process. Scenarios such as this are HUGE in my mind/body/spirit studies. I've always been one to believe, don't just tell me 'I should' do anything, show me how.

This issue you've been dealing with is right up there in the top issues to deal with along side the worst possible scenario of issues of life.  No one can blame you for having this issue effect your mind & heart & life.

I've been digging deep regarding this issue. Just know you're worth this deep-digging effort and your mind, heart & spirit are in my prayer-filled meditation. Not that I, could ever come up with a magic pill to seize your thoughts, but collectively we ALL can help you transcend this valley you've been chained in for more than thirty years. Does that make sense? Mind first, heart & time in prayer-filled meditation.

posted by roadscross on July 19, 2007 at 8:59 AM | link to this | reply

Dear, Julia, for myself "moving on" means finding the positives still

remaining in life, focusing on them and allowing the good things to take precedence over the negatives. Sounds polly-annish or too simplistic perhaps, but it works for me. Painful and destructive situations affected my world at a young age and there are some things that can never be forgotten or set down completely. (struggles with understanding, tears and unanswered questions rear from time to time - I allow these times their space but I have placed boundaries around them) A weight of sorrow can be lightened and moved along within us on the journey through this plane easier and lighter when it is balanced more evenly. Also for myself, remembering that all experiences, good and bad, even really bad, are part of who I am, why I am - lessons absorbed and hopefully, eventually, a grain or two of wisdom gained. I don't know if I've conveyed myself clearly or in a way that makes sense, but I hope you find balance and peace soon. You are a good person and deserve to be happy.

posted by Katray2 on July 16, 2007 at 11:32 PM | link to this | reply

Maybe positive thinking would help. They say you can only think of one

thing at a time. Think a good thing!
Roses and a smile from me! Oh and two smiles and 3 roses from Bo =^..^= the wonder dog!

posted by Whacky on July 16, 2007 at 10:58 PM | link to this | reply

Julia

I wish there was something I could say to help you with this but I sure don't...I do understand how it could weigh on your mind. I just hope the day does come when it does not consume you. You deserve that ya know...

posted by Offy on July 16, 2007 at 6:21 PM | link to this | reply

Julia...........

I don't have any answers for you.  I do know it must be very difficult for you.  Maybe you should employ a therapist with whom you could talk all your pain through.  I hope you can resolve it and that you can be a happy woman.  Please let us know how you are doing.  I think it does comfort you to talk to us.   LoveMM

posted by MaggieMae on July 16, 2007 at 4:07 PM | link to this | reply

Julia, we all have "set points" and we have to train our minds (just like

exercising our bodies) away from our set points and defaults.  I am currently reading "Ask and It Is Given" by Esther and Jerry Hicks...lots of these types of books teach the Law of Attraction and all that, but the truth of the matter is, sometimes we have defaults, thoughts that we can't turn off, triggers that hit and there we go...we spiral and that's that...

The concept behind the set point philosophy mentioned in the book is that if your set point is self pity, then you have to shift to the next gear - anger, or whatever it is in the book (I don't recall the list) but it names all of them...depression, anger, bitterness, guilt, sadness, self-pity, etc.  They make it sound like it's a choice of thoughts.  You almost have to distract yourself from the thought that is bothering you and KEEP DOING IT...this is where the training and exercise comes in.

I have the same problem.  I suffer with melancholia and this is why I read all these books that I do to cheer me up LOL...I know there's a law to it, but when all else fails I remind myself not to condemn myself cause Jesus was known as "a man of sorrows," and dogone it, sometimes that's all I feel.  So, these happy people can sometimes take their happy asses and go jump in a lake...see if that attracts a pooping duck or two 

posted by Ariala on July 16, 2007 at 3:16 PM | link to this | reply

Nothing to say on that today, but I was here. Or maybe I have - just a repeat of yesterday - the nephews are the moving on, it's their names giving a new future to an old past.

posted by _dave_says_ack_ on July 16, 2007 at 11:03 AM | link to this | reply

Julia

Maybe it’s semantics but perhaps it’s not “moving on” that you have to do but rather come to terms with the past. The events are what they are and your mind will go there from time to time. If you can celebrate the triumphs of your family – your nephews and well as yourself, your brother’s story won’t go away but it won’t loom over with such darkness. It would be strange though to still see articles (inaccurate ones, at that) about an tragedy that took place so long ago.

posted by Troosha on July 16, 2007 at 10:41 AM | link to this | reply

Good Morning Julia...geesh who was THAT person? LOL

I also have issues that I know I need to move on and I am working on it. Moving on doesn't come with instructions!  

posted by RckyMtnActivist on July 16, 2007 at 9:58 AM | link to this | reply

Julia, for how long I have been here.

You have taught me alot....

to be more positive and to always find a good in a bad situation.

now here, I know exactly what you are talking about and how hard it is to move on...especially when you don't have the answers of the "whys" that could somehow comfort us....although the same - your situation is alot different...

I have recently found out from a reading that he didn't mean to do it - I been battling with this for a while now though, as I prefered thinking he did want to and is happy now....I was also told I must light more candles as he needs God's forgiveness as well as ours and that has made me feel kind of bad.

anyway, so sorry to have written about my situation when we are supposed to be talking about you...have not told anybdy that yet, either.

anyway...Julia, I wish I did have some answers for you...but, I guess I never will.

 

posted by _Symphony_ on July 16, 2007 at 9:04 AM | link to this | reply

posted by riri0322 on July 16, 2007 at 8:54 AM | link to this | reply

Sorry, I got side-tracked...

You've earned the right to a bit of peace and freedom, and in your struggle to accept what you cannot change, you're setting up some good Karma for the future. I hope you find tranquility and contentment soon.

posted by Pat_B on July 16, 2007 at 6:51 AM | link to this | reply

When I was nine years old I decided I was not going to be like my mother.

Her sister had grown up in the same circumstances, although Mom was older and had more responsibility than kids ought. Auntie E. was sunny and sweet and led by example, where Mom screamed and stamped and demanded.  Turns out there were days (years?) I did a bit of yelling and stamping. But in many ways I am not like her. There are limits to human ability, but the decision was still a good one.

posted by Pat_B on July 16, 2007 at 6:49 AM | link to this | reply

I wish I had answers....

Because I could sure do with some myself. Take the seconds as they come. The minutes. Throw yourself into things you enjoy doing. When an unhappy thought comes into your head, zap and think of something that makes you happy. If you have nothing, dream of something.

posted by dark_mistress on July 16, 2007 at 5:49 AM | link to this | reply

and i imagine moving on is different for everyone. What some people forget is that, moving on really only means living your life DESPITE the past... It sculpts us and therefore, is always somehow a part of us. Sometimes in good ways, and sometimes in tragic ones.

posted by rainydayinmay on July 15, 2007 at 9:03 PM | link to this | reply

While I have never been through anything nearly as tragic as you, I have found that 'moving on' has been incredibly hard. I dearly hope that you will find the strength to do so..

posted by Holy_Grail on July 15, 2007 at 8:05 PM | link to this | reply

Julia

God Bless you girl. All I can say is to stay open for the possibility of love, attachment, with another person.

I don't really know how I got rid of some thoughts, as a matter of fact I am finding out only now, after 30 years of talking with a psychotherapist, that I was so good at burying some thoughts of work I once did, it affected every aspect of my life.

All I really do know is that there is a God of my understanding, and we are given some things to carry for a long time, until we are needed to give our struggle experience to another having the same struggle.

Keeping you in my morning prayers luv..................................................................

posted by WileyJohn on July 15, 2007 at 7:50 PM | link to this | reply

I like I R William's comment...hahahaha ..chin up...xxxxooo !

posted by hazel_st_cricket on July 15, 2007 at 6:15 PM | link to this | reply

The loss will always be the same but time moves forwards.

posted by A-and-B on July 15, 2007 at 2:49 PM | link to this | reply

Julia, My father used to tell me "Life knocks you on your ass sometimes"

"When life hands you lemons don't make no damned lemonade. That's nonsene. Pick up the damned things and throw 'em back just as hard as you can." I liked that version better than most of the other ones I've heard.  You'll be OK- I.R.

posted by I-R-William on July 15, 2007 at 1:54 PM | link to this | reply

Julia

Did you ever see the movie 'The Dead Poets Society"? Robin Williams plays a school teacher with very different ideas on education. One of my favorite scenes is where the students all stand on there desks to show him that they have learned to try to look at things from different perspectives. It easy for anyone to say, You need to move on.. You need to let the past go.. but if they haven't seen our pain or struggles from our perspective, they really have no idea what they are asking or telling or counseling us to do.

I have a similar situation to yours in my past. A thing that happened in my childhood that has 'haunted' me all of my life, and kept me in a what some might call a state of unhappiness. I've learned to think of those thoughts that pop into my head as just  bread crumbs to who I am. You posted about the unrealistic expectation of asking 'why' the other day. You reminded me then that I will never know the why of my childhood tragedies. I can know the who and the when and the where and what's next about myself and that situation though.

I've also come to see happiness as a relative term. What makes me happy today certainly didn't make me happy last year. I cant change what happened, I can only adjust  and adjust and adjust and seek peace and joy where ever it comes. The pain that I have from those thoughts is real. The happiness that I feel is also real. I think that any pain I feel can be a gift to remind me of the unpainful and yes happy part of  life. 

Sorry for such a long comment. To be honest I have tried to write a comment to you about this several times, because I feel so linked to that pain that you feel from the past. I hope that you find your way to your happiness. You are a very special person. ~Peace, OTA

posted by Blue_feathers on July 15, 2007 at 10:59 AM | link to this | reply

Julia, Life is complicated

just the moment you think you might have it figgured out it changes up on you.  I don't have answers only know we must try again. Have nothing to loose right and everything to gain, so smile it's contagious....and find something lovely to see today.

posted by Irish3 on July 15, 2007 at 10:46 AM | link to this | reply