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- Go to MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT A NOVEL??? SHOULD I JUST KEEP WRITING POEMS
Thanks for the ideas....good thoughts...
Wiley--that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me...
posted by
poetjpb
on March 23, 2007 at 7:53 AM
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give it a go.Talion has some real constructive criticism.
posted by
proc
on March 19, 2007 at 5:14 AM
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poetjpb
I'm no expert, but here are a few ideas how you can make this better.
That voice...with its lilting southern drawl oozing from the corner of his thick lips, that voice that once soothed her, even excited her, now frightened her with an intensity she had never known. He spoke softly, nearly inaudible, but brushed his words by her ear in one swift like a breeze. You immediately talk about his voice, but he hasn't said anything yet. Have him speak first, then describe it.
"Where do you think you're going?" he crooned.
She froze on the stairway side by side with beside him. and couldn’t decide what to do next. She didn't know what to do. If she walked back upstairs, she was easy prey. If she tried moving past him, he might confront her with force. What does easy prey and confront her with force mean? Will he punch her? Stab her? Shoot her? Be specific. Tell the reader what she's afraid of and we will fear him too. If she acted nonchalantly, his anger might spiral out of control again like last the night before.
“Ignore your parents, Heather,” he spat out like a snake, not just any ordinary snake, like Eve’s fateful snake. “Aren’t you tired of them telling you what to do?” Now would be the time to describe his voice from the paragraph above. Include the tempting snake analogy and remove it from where it is. It's cumbersome there.
Also think about the setting. We know they're on stairs, but are they inside or outside? Is it daytime or at night? Is anyone around who would hear her scream? These little details described briefly will add more tension to the scene.
We know the guy is Southern (giving him a name would be nice), but as you flesh out the character, think about his education and exactly where he's from, a big city versus a small town. Such things will influence how he speaks. A southern accent (or any accent for that matter) isn't just about how the words sound, but also what what words are chosen. For example, instead of "Ignore your parents, Heather," try something like, "Don't listen to your momma and daddy, Heather." If he's small town and uneducated, "Ain't you tired of them telling you what to do?" Of course a southern accent doesn't necessarily mean ignorant, so again, think about the character's background.
posted by
Talion
on March 18, 2007 at 9:53 PM
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poetjpb
I have your poetry by my bed still, all this time later.
"Witness
Am I stained glass
with hues of blues and purple,
or pane of clear glass?" JPB
This is the you I know, the real you. I can't critique your opening chapter, because all I can write is fact, or technical articles. But your opening paragreph did spark my interest luv.
posted by
WileyJohn
on March 18, 2007 at 8:57 PM
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thanks
Yikes--don't throw any writing away----what if we love it?
posted by
poetjpb
on March 18, 2007 at 11:58 AM
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I like either approach works
Capturing the reader with an opener then building the characters later is sometimes a good "hook" - at least for me.
posted by
Troosha
on March 18, 2007 at 11:10 AM
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Lovely begining . A thing well begun is half done .
posted by
afzal50
on March 18, 2007 at 10:56 AM
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poet, I think the you should have characters before you build the plot
The characters make the plot. IMO
Do you know how many stories I have started and never finished? LOL I deleted them all and I'm starting fresh.
posted by
shelly_b
on March 18, 2007 at 10:24 AM
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thanks
I can't decide if I should develop the characters first, then the story would flow from them. or go with a plot first....
posted by
poetjpb
on March 18, 2007 at 10:18 AM
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poet, LOL, you're the writer! LOL
I think you have something there...just go with the flow?
posted by
shelly_b
on March 18, 2007 at 10:16 AM
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YOU ARE TOO KIND
ANY SUGGESTIONS--NOW WHAT DO I DO? LOL
posted by
poetjpb
on March 18, 2007 at 10:14 AM
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oooooh, I want more!
posted by
shelly_b
on March 18, 2007 at 10:08 AM
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