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mobedder ...

I put Devyn in a major timeout yesterday ... in a chair, facing the corner, for about 10 minutes.  She got up several times ... I placed her back in the chair several times.  She cried, STUCK HER FINGER IN HER MOUTH TO FORCE VOMIT!  I've never seen her do that before!  I gave her some paper towels to clean up the vomit (I helped her clean up as well) and I made her sit there for awhile longer.  The timeout was initiated after Devyn dumped her brother's full cereal bowl in the floor.  Devyn was angry with her brother, so she acted out.  I need to teach her how to deal with this anger in a more positive way. 

You are definitely right about your assessment.  She shows no respect and discriminates against no one ... adult or child.  She thinks she is as big as the adults.  I love her so much and want desperately to solve this behavioral problem. 

Thanks so much for your insight!  I will spend special one on one time with her more often.  She needs me! 

 

posted by DivineM on February 13, 2007 at 4:20 AM | link to this | reply

You know....

it almost sounds like the acting out gets your attention, and even if it's negative, it's still attention. She sounds very bright and intelligent, and it sounds like she doesn't much care if what she's doing hurts you...she will get your attention one way or another. If you work, and you are a mom, you have a home, etc. & so forth, and you wear how many hats???

I made an effort to spend special time with my son, even when I got home and I was really tired, I spent time with him. I was a single parent. It was not easy. I made sure to have some special time with him. Time on the drive home to let him talk about what he did that day. Play time at home, I'd read him a story, played with his toys with him, and played during bath time. He got snuggles at night, sometimes rocked to sleep.

Your special girl needs to feel your love. Dave said "no" to me once at that age and I looked at him and asked him who he was talking to? It's great to allow freedom of expression, but you are her mom and she seems to treat you like one of the kids. She is a child. A little respect for mom, please! It sounds like right now, you love her but you are frustrated and you don't like her too much...and if this kind of behavior continues, no one else will like her much either. If she doesn't learn respect for you from you, what does that teach her? How will that serve her later on? Maybe a tantrum or two standing in the corner alone and being allowed to join the family when she chooses to behave nicely wouldn't hurt.

posted by mobedder on February 13, 2007 at 12:40 AM | link to this | reply

Thank you Nickie ...
I have been torn between using "positive discipline" techniques, such as those that her preschool uses, and more strict techniques, such as time outs and taking away something that she cherishes.  The positive discipline does not work too often.  The, I guess, negative discipline works temporarily.  If I or Devyn's teacher put her in the corner, she would not stay there.  She would do everything in her power to leave the corner and run around.  I would physically have to hold her in the corner, which I will do.  Devyn thinks she has no boundaries.  Ironically though, Devyn is the favorite child of the head of the preschool.  Devyn is so smart, quick and has a good heart.  I think we are safe from having her expelled from the school, however something definitely needs to change about how I teach her.  I am going to try your suggestions and I will let you know how we fare.    Thanks so much!  Being a parent is the most difficult "job" I have ever had.  But also the most rewarding. 

posted by DivineM on February 12, 2007 at 9:17 AM | link to this | reply

I've been a teacher for a long time already, and in my opinion your daughter is just trying you out. She wants to see if she can manipulate you. You have to show her strongly that what you say is what she must accept. If I had a kid that behaved like your daughter does, I would just take her up and put her under an ice-cold shower. Children need to know what they can do and can't do. And they must accept that mum's or dad's 'no' is a real no. Bringing up children is not an easy task, though. But don't underestimate children!

I can give you an example from the days when I had to supervise 2-4 year-olds after school, until their parents came to pick them up. One of these kids was supposed to be 'hyperactive'. That was what his mum was saying. This kid didn't want to listen to anyone and even hurt other kids. I tried to keep myself calm the first time, but when I saw him biting the arm of a 2-year-old, I went to him, picked him by the arm (and squeezed the skin a little...) and put him into one of the corners. I told him to stay there as long as I told him so. In the meantime I was telling a story to the others, the 2-year-old on my lap. The kid in the corner always turned his head, because he wanted to be with the other kids. I told him to face the wall again. After a quarter of an hour I told him he could come and sit with us, if he promised to behave. He nodded and told me he would. From that time on I did not have any problem with him anymore. His mother even asked me what I did to make him that quiet, as she could not manage that. I just told stories about dragons and princes and princesses... I played with those kids.  Most of them didn't even look up when their parents arrived. You have to give your children a lot of time. That's why I think that having a job and having kids don't go together.

posted by Nickie-Fleming on February 10, 2007 at 2:17 PM | link to this | reply

My daughter who is now six did the same when she was younger now that she
is growing it seems that she is changing naturally . All kinds of tantrums of children are not to be taken seriously . Many they do they forget like we forgot our own childhood so there is nothing to worry about except that you keep your own blood pressure normal .

posted by afzal50 on February 10, 2007 at 4:06 AM | link to this | reply

Thank you so much, SoloWriter ...
for the insight.  I MUST exhibit more patience and love with my little girl.  The thought that she does not feel loved by me is crushing.  I always tell her that I love HER ... I just don't love her behavior.  It seems there has to be a consequence for inappropriate behavior.  When she receives a consequence, she does not like it, and acts out even more.  I think I also need to teach her better ways to deal with her anger.  Yes, I need to show her, through my actions, how to deal with anger in a positive way.  Thank you again.  There is hope ... there is always hope.

posted by DivineM on February 9, 2007 at 5:00 PM | link to this | reply

I think I have discovered the answer to this problem.  The child is reflecting the feelings she receives from your behavior.  The only productive route is to be a great example of patience and virtue, while making her feel loved again.  I'm working on my ability to achieve this goal, but I'm certain it works.

posted by Jenasis on February 9, 2007 at 12:23 PM | link to this | reply

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