Go to CeeMarie on Feeling the Spirit
- Add a comment
- Go to Forgiveness -- 1
Cee, I feel my eyes and mind have journeyed on Holy Ground!
Mother Teresa is among my favorite women! Her picture hangs in my hall, it is the one when she met Pope John Paul II; he is holding her face in his hands! It is so precious and the sharing by you and others, in response to your entry is also precious! This Cee is Sobernost, you and all these folks drawn together in love, respect and a gentle peace, which comes from compassionate love. I just feel blessed at this moment and pray for all of you!
faholo
posted by
faholo
on January 29, 2007 at 8:36 PM
| link to this | reply
YP-
Dear sweet Neil-
I am pleasantly pleased that you have come to my defense. I suppose I have made Mike out to be the cad of all cads and that is what he was in the end. I will hold the true time with him for what it was and it was a lovely love and so very romantic; it had God's blessings, which he denies now. I was sent there by God. Maybe God didn't say to lie and cheat, (and he said to steal and shirk - I didn't get that) but I think, even Jay said it, I got loaned out. But it was temporary, which was what I feared, what I questioned, what I asked myself "what had I done." Cupids arrows had snagged both our hearts beyond what we'd ever thought could happen. We knew we had unfinished business from our youth; maybe we might have married back then, but then we fell in love with each other as adults and it far outdistanced the love of our youth. Now he feels ashamed of that, but he has never apologized to me for lying or telling me to trust him and then turn around and say to me that changed when he decided to honor his vows to his wife and how he'd recommited himself to his marriage. HE said they were falling in love again. (It was because I taught him but he won't say that now.)
He has never said, "Carole, I'm sorry," but I told him I was sorry for almost ruining his life and that I forgave him for feeling ashamed. But he made it out to be a fantasy world we had invented (because we were both mentally unbalanced?) He had been "undeluded" now and saw things in a whole new light apparently; but that I needed to see mental health professionals; I was a stalker; that I was listening to voices in my head, not God.
I told him that if seeing a mental health professional meant I would turn into what he had become, then no thanks! I was sticking with my God and I would not deny HIM for anyone, even Mike. I didn't cry when I got this e-mail, but I was expecting something like it. My tears would come later, for this did hurt me, deeply, especially when I felt the impact of every recriminating word.
I hadn't meant to go into that Cad-like letter so much, but that your defense of me has made me feel vindicated. He DID F*** with me; threw me on the trash heap of other women he just dumped before he was married. Why should I have felt he'd grown up in 29 years?
I cried to Jay about this just the other day, Neal. I told him that I had only loved two men as an adult woman, and I just wanted Jay to make me feel like Mike did when he had looked at me. Jay has tried harder not to make me feel that he loves me less just because we are older, fatter, and I have no voice. Stephanie says Mike never had to live with me like that, with my all day on-off PD symptoms, although we did spend a few days together, so that isn't exactly true. He did experience my sudden naps, and my running out of breath on walks (a new PD problem; the lungs are muscles too, and vulnerable to attack by PD). I was taking 10 mile walks just before that happened, too. Stephanie just knows
Thank you for coming to my defense with a true affection. I surely do notice and appreciate your loyalty and true friendship, Neil. I am healed and I have forgiven him for desecrating the gift. I always keep him in my prayers. He has made his decision and it wasn't me. Maybe that's what hurt the worst. Rejection was a foreign entity to me. Jay pointed that out once; he said,"It feels rotten doesn't it?" I had to respond with a "touché."
My goodness, such a long answer. Would you say I'm back to the old me now??
Love, LadyCee
posted by
LadyCeeMarie
on January 29, 2007 at 12:27 PM
| link to this | reply
Richinstore-
Thank you for feeling my pain or my anger, but that part of my life IS over and it took me all of last year to come to terms with the death of a lovely love. I will continue living in the here and now, it's all I have is the time at present and I must make the most of it. I spend it NOT in shame or regret, but in Love, in forgiveness, in kindness. I will make it my focus. I will pray for those who are in pain and/or whose lives they are fighting for. I have prayed that God heal my heart. He is doing it. I have to deal with a self-centered unkind ex-love whose only defense is to twist his love for me into something it wasn't. I will forgive him for that because I retain the truth. I returned to my husband and my love is for him, all my love. He deserves it. It may not be the giddy, puppy love, the all-consuming obsessive love I felt for Mike, but it is a deep and abiding love that has lasted 30 years. We have a very satisfactory love and marriage. I appreciate your concerns and letting me take the time to explain.
CeeMarie 
posted by
LadyCeeMarie
on January 29, 2007 at 9:20 AM
| link to this | reply
ceemarie,
Firstly, my condolence. Secondly, I sincerely hope that you reconsider whatever you plan to undertake. Mike isn't worth it as he's not ready for commitments and responsibilities. Thirdly, I wish you all the best. Take care.
posted by
richinstore
on January 29, 2007 at 5:44 AM
| link to this | reply
Bloggers, read this about people F***ing your lives."Forgive them anyway"-C
DEra Lady Cee- great information and sharing...you are healed! 2007 is artisticlaly and heart-tistically your best yet. JAY and you, and your children and Sean, deserve to see you win this way. Mike seems to be a loser...but we shall pray for him too. He is our misguided brother. Evem BIG boys and MEN are our little brothers
...as to your comments and peacemaking plus Gandhi movie; liked your comment. I replied this way:
"All of you have elevated this conversation & I thank you profusely. LadyCee
replied after being inspired (and armed with noionviolence) through the movie GANDHI. Thank you especially Lady Cee for taking the time and effort. You are very, very, generous in the accolades. As peacemakers go I have failed; except in South Africa, I helped befor & after apartheid, through organizing here in the midwest and Johns Hopkins University, for the ANC and its issues (divestment). Especially in educating regular students and our cadre of diplomats who are now all over the world in Missions, I feel some sense of fulfilment. But for Peace & nonviolence one MUST not feel successful or all work may end, prematurely. Kucinich's work allows a friend in Maryland, Tedd Nunn, to agitate for DOPN (Department of Peace and Nonviolence: www.DOPN.org?)
But as you suggest, even the least active of us can talk the talk of opeace and diversity. You did with your sister...and leave the channel open for other political emails form her. Send her an email saying U want open lines of communication. As my Jewish and Palestinian friends in the LIVING ROOM Dialogue project (google it...) say: "If we can't talk here, how do we expect Israelis and Palestinians to do so over there?"
posted by
ILLUMINATI8
on January 28, 2007 at 2:54 PM
| link to this | reply