Go to Earth Magic
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Each and every human soul is riddled with sharp edges and dark passageways. We're all flawed in some way. It's how we
deal with these inconsistencies that matters. I just loved reading your entry, probably because it was so familiar. Just the other day, I was trying to count the ways people dealt with insecurity. There are
so many and they're all
so very different! It was very surprising.
posted by
Helen_Bach
on December 8, 2006 at 1:42 PM
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avant-garde
I wish I could give you a detailed reply but I struggle with trust issues and find it hard to give up my privacy here on Blogit. I really do admire the courage of those who do but its not my nature.
posted by
BrightIrish
on November 11, 2006 at 6:27 PM
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Avant Garde
I've been thinking about this and wondering what I would be able to say... I'm not sure I know myself all that well after all. I thought I was a long-married and fairly happy person and then things changed. Now I don't really know anything. I was the one who wanted change, things had become so difficult for me. He didn't, still doesn't, won't let go. I don't know if I have it in me to do what's right for me, if I could ever trust that it was right anyway. That's me... I think.
posted by
mneme
on November 10, 2006 at 7:06 PM
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Avant Gard
Thank you for your kind words. It took me many years to truly say my heart is an open book. As a man is in his heart so is he.... Holy Bible I don't know the address. I try to be just who I am then I am held accountable otherwise I would come to fool myself making me the biggest fool of all. I appreciate you, your writing and your love for your family is so valuable.
posted by
Justi
on November 10, 2006 at 6:20 PM
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Avant, it's been healing. I think I'm past the need to reveal that much.
posted by
Blanche.
on November 10, 2006 at 6:05 PM
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I have and continue to struggle with low self-esteem and
bouts of depression. Abandonment to prayer sustains me in those difficult times as I struggle sometimes for days to overcome feelings inferiority. Learning to live with difficulties in childhood sometimes takes a lifetime to overcome. Thanks for being such a caring person, avant. I am grateful for the gift you are to us! faholo
posted by
faholo
on November 10, 2006 at 6:01 PM
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marie
I think we are all human and whether we like to admit it or not, we all have feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. We do much better to speak of these things openly and honestly, as it helps to bring everyone down on the same level. No one is better than any other.
posted by
avant-garde
on November 10, 2006 at 2:09 PM
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Blanche
It's good for you to open up, even though you have done so on many past occasions. I think there is a sense of feeling that people are genuine, when they reveal themselves openly and honestly. Marie has stated this well. I am glad to see people opening up here. It has not surprised me who has chosen to do so.
posted by
avant-garde
on November 10, 2006 at 2:07 PM
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Blanche, a side of you I was not aware of.
It is wonderful to watch people open up and be real, you made yourself vulnerable, it is a brave thing to do. Most people and I for one will appreciate you even more for being real, who your are, insecurities can be very endearing, they need to be owned and dealt with and loved and accepted. The funny thing is once we accept our insecurities and love ourselves for them, they don't bother us so much. We all have them, I spill mine out all over the place, it is part of being human. You are one cool lady!
posted by
marieclaire66
on November 10, 2006 at 11:09 AM
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Avant-Garde, I've battled insecurity and anxiety most of my life as well.
I am an only child, so taking refuge in books was a natural thing for me, far more easy than connecting to people, especially kids my own age. As I got older, it became easier to use intellect as a weapon, especially when I feel challenged on my mental competence in any way.
I use rationality to prove that I'm not irrational, and so does my boyfriend. I'm afraid we tend to encourage each other in that. I was never a political person, completely pessimistic and apathetic about it until recently. Now there has to be some middle ground. The temptation for me and for my very politicallyy minded (almost obsessed) boyfriend who listens to news and talk radio constantly is to keep focused on the positive human side, rather than the bitterness.
My own combative side is more Scorpio than Aries, and although I don't put complete stock in it, there seems to be enough truth to make it interesting. If Noah is typical as well, and it sounds like he's already battling with his older brothers over playtime, you will need to teach him that grudges, anger, bitterness and resentment only harm him. I had two Scorpio grandparents, they're gone now, but the legacy they left and my own nature, is to hold grudges, resentment and bitterness.
If you can get one thing across to Noah early on, I hope it is that that will poison his own life, hold him back, and not the object of his anger. I am working daily on letting go, and sometimes I'm better than others. But it would be good if Noah could learn that lesson sooner rather than later.
posted by
Blanche.
on November 10, 2006 at 6:35 AM
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avant
not so much. i think i am hauling christmas trees tomorow, for a person who would be good to ask of this kind of work.
many other things seem to press and hold anything back. things i want to know, including when. the idea sets me into anger. it seems like a lie that i am still here on this site, knowing why.
posted by
appleworks7
on November 10, 2006 at 5:32 AM
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Bhaskar
I feel that genius is driven by madness in many respects. Sometimes, I feel that it takes extremes to get an individual to push himself into areas that he would otherwise avoid. I have been incredibly intense in many aspects of my life and it has cost me dearly. The one saving grace I have now is the ability to disconnect and reflect on myself, which I do often. More and more, I see the futility of many things I held dear for so long. Even the dreams of being a great writer, I feel, are driven by insecurity and deep dissatisfaction.
posted by
avant-garde
on November 10, 2006 at 3:10 AM
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Avant
A real good subject for discussion! Certain things that you write about yourself are quite similar to that of mine. However, I would like to share that I have been an extremely violent person when scratched the wrong end. Would burst out and be finished with. Did cost me dearly and, on occasions, my various jobs. But I never wished ill of anyone. Simply that I could not carry the load of it all. Probably it had to do with a very strict mother who would just not budge an inch, and an intelligent father who, though loving would not stand up against most of the wrongs of my Mom. Ours being a joint family, my uncle (father's elder brother), is a man of profound knowledge but stern to the extent that since my childhood, I wanted one pat on my back for the good marks I secured or had written something well, would he ever appreciate. To this day, I regard him as a much much better writer than me, being a renowned educationist, but I hardly discuss my articles with him. I know that he loved me throughout but he never showed.
Slowly and gradually, this deep discontent turned me to my quest and to my own journey of finding who am I? Only then did I realize that I'd always been barking up the wrong tree, doing the wrong thing to ask the mirror to tell me who is fairest of them all. I turned to Literature, philosophy, psychology and then to religion or the ancient Hindu scriptures where I found a deep interest in the Sanskrit Language which, to some extent I have mastered and is probably evident in my writings.
I sit quietly and meditate almost everyday now, and see peace descend somewhat to my soul. I have always opposed hypocrisy and the established norms, unless I have found them to be logical. Do not know how far I may have succeeded, but the quest goes on. I have now become an incorrigible optimist though.
posted by
Bhaskar.ing
on November 10, 2006 at 3:03 AM
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jacenta
Lord knows I've struggled with self-condemnation for most of my life. It was only a couple of years ago that I realized how destructive it really is. Life is very strange when you think about it.
I see you as very open and caring. I also see you as very sensitive, and easily hurt. I guess that's the price we pay for caring so deeply.
posted by
avant-garde
on November 10, 2006 at 2:21 AM
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Mrs Tanga
I have great respect for you and Tanga. You guys are paragons of parenting. It's hard to get to know other parents. I run into a lot of other parents at Sam's pre-school. Some talk, and others take awhile to open up. Life is so hectic, and there is so much to watch out for. My wife wants to know everyone and be friends with everyone. She comes home really discouraged sometimes, because so and so won't speak to her. You two would probably get along great. She loves all kids.
posted by
avant-garde
on November 10, 2006 at 2:19 AM
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Tanga
You have a great wife. It's hard to enjoy anything when you're busy trying to prove yourself worthy. It's impossible.
posted by
avant-garde
on November 10, 2006 at 2:17 AM
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OFFBEATS
I used to hold grudges for years. Anger has been a huge thing in my mind for a good part of my life. I will probably struggle with it from now until I am no longer here. It has taught me much, and it will probably continue to teach me.
I think I cut my fingernails too short!
posted by
avant-garde
on November 10, 2006 at 2:16 AM
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Justi
Isn't it wonderful to draw back the curtain a little, and know that another will give you a hug no matter what is revealed? I am glad that I have grown to interact freely with you and many others here. You're very kind and I regard you as a beacon in the darkness.
posted by
avant-garde
on November 10, 2006 at 2:14 AM
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Blanche
Believe it or not, I am prone to arguing. I have a warring nature. I am an Aries; my planet is Mars; and, I can be very stubborn. The few times I have given in to temptation and argued with another here, I have really regretted it. I feel bad and miserable, and it pours over into my family relationships.
So now, if I feel that the boundaries have been crossed, I choose to overlook it for my own sake and peace of mind. It has been a huge lesson in letting go.
posted by
avant-garde
on November 10, 2006 at 2:12 AM
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appleworks
I have peered inside your heart on many occasions, through your writing. It is good to have someone so open and honest to interact with. Have you been mulling over your firewood business lately?
posted by
avant-garde
on November 10, 2006 at 2:08 AM
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Azur
I see your point, and I do remember you commenting on yourself in previous posts. I think anyone who has been here for any length of time has let himself be exposed through his comments and interactions. I see you as a symbol of hope for many would be writers.
posted by
avant-garde
on November 10, 2006 at 2:06 AM
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avant-garde...
Wow, what a great post.
If you really knew me, (I think you do a little. hah-hah), you'd know that I suffer self-fullfilling prophecy too often. I accept so much less than I am capable of. I fight low self esteem and have all my life! I tend to do best under pressure to prove to myself that I can do something, not so much to prove to others. I tend to get my feelings hurt too easy and I tend to edify other's every chance possible for the world is too apt at tearing down. I am patient with other's, but harsh on myself. I accept that we make mistakes when it comes to others, but get angry at myself for making mistakes. I battle to look at things in the proper perspective. I continuely struggle to grow to be the loving caring person that I should be. Now, avant you know be even better. Are we still friends? hah-hah
I can't picture you as shy. 
I think you are a great writer.
posted by
jacentaOld
on November 10, 2006 at 1:02 AM
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This was really a mind blowing post...I respect you so much you won't
believe. Everything you have said is true. I don't even want to start with all my flaws, I have so many. I also battle with anxiety problems and can't stand a lot of people all at once. I want to run away when that happens that is why I am a bit anxious about tomorrow. There will be a lot of people at Aidan & Megan's party, not just kids but their mommies and daddies too. Some I know and some I don't. I can put up a front quite easily but sometimes it is hard especially when the anxiety really sets in, but as soon as I can relax with the people and the people are nice and warming I feel better. I am also quite shy, but this also depends on the situation, sometimes I can be shy and other times I am completely myself and out of my shell, and that is really the fun side of myself that I like but these days it feels like I am suppressing this side of me... Have no idea why? Maybe lack of friendships here or just loniless .. I don't know. Hell, look at me, I am really blowing off some steam. I would really like to see what you look like so I can put a picture with your beautiful writing. You are a brilliant writer and a beautiful person, that can be seen by your writing and do not let any other feelings you have damage this. THanks!
Mrs Tanga
posted by
Tanga
on November 10, 2006 at 12:32 AM
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I always used to try and live up to my Father's
expectations. Mrs Tanga ripped me out of this "never good enough for my Dad" attitude. I have now realized that I am successful in my own right and feel liberated.
posted by
Tanga
on November 9, 2006 at 11:41 PM
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avant
Wow okay I will give it a shot, but I would have never guessed those things about you! You write beautifully and it wouldn't matter what you looked like. I guess my biggest downfall is anger. When I am angry I do not communicate it. I let it grow and fester. When I blow my top I am usually very sorry. I will say it takes a lot to anger me, but once done I have a very difficult time being around the person who has angered me. In fact typically if I am angered enough I stay away from that person forever...
Oh and I cut my toe nails too short sometimes!
posted by
Offy
on November 9, 2006 at 7:13 PM
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Avant Gard
This was a beautiful post. Every one of us has all sorts of weaknesses. I have exposed many of mine in more than one of my blogs. I am opening myself up completely in my blog A Forty Year Coffee Break just Mama and Me. This is conversations with my mama who has been dead for thirty years. She, like yours, taught me to fear, to feel insecure and to rebel. I dig deep into my faith because it has healed a lot of my problems, therapy helped too but I am still a mess. I have a lot of scaring psychologically from bad spouse abuse from my first husband. I can't really get rid of all the fear. An unexpected sound can cause me to scream in a crowded and silent room, bringing unbelievable embarrassment. Thank you so much. God bless you.
posted by
Justi
on November 9, 2006 at 5:34 PM
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Kids are a great motivator to lead a better life and become a better person
I've seen it happen before. It's a maturity that is enviable. I understand exactly what you mean when you say you come here to unwind and not get caught up in the battles. Sometimes the battle finds one, and walking away is just not always an option I choose. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't, it depends on the "issue" and the day.
I don't particularly fear being boring. I'm interested in too many esoteric subjects and find too many people interesting to be bored. I've been a people-pleaser myself. I've perhaps swung to the opposite end of the spectrum, now to find equilibrium, balance is my life-long goal. Thanks for your kind, wise words, you add so much to this site.
More, maybe, than you realize, you provide a calming balance and wisdom. Have fun with the trees, feller.
posted by
Blanche.
on November 9, 2006 at 5:32 PM
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I didn't start out this aggressive, Avant. Life in the city made it
necessary. I had to fend for myself, and dealing with a certain type of people, men and women; mostly men in high positions who tend to abuse their authority if given the opportunity has made me "hypersenssitive" and given me a hair trigger. I know my own triggers, I just don't always know how to defuse them as quickly as I would like.
However, I have become politically motivated and in the current climate, I refuse to back down.
posted by
Blanche.
on November 9, 2006 at 5:27 PM
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avant
well done. i like to see you as human. you lead a good example, i believe.
i have written out faults on others a year ago, which was so very many, endless. i thought it would help me on many levels. this would be a scare for me to write out this way of myself, or a wake up.
"seek to be human" ciel told me this years ago.
posted by
appleworks7
on November 9, 2006 at 5:06 PM
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Avant-garde,
I think we can understand people quite well if we read them attentively. People are not taken in by the masks.
There is nothing else I want to reveal of myself. I think people can take me or leave me as they see fit.
posted by
Azur
on November 9, 2006 at 4:27 PM
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Troosha
I have anxiety issues, too. Mine mostly center on not being able to do all the things that need doing. My mind gets going and it is hard to slow down. I am very sensitive and need quiet and rest to feel balanced. Too much stress ruins me psychologically.
Thanks for sharing a piece of yourself. I feel closer to you already.
posted by
avant-garde
on November 9, 2006 at 4:17 PM
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Good for you, Avante
and brave (even though you have a blind audience, so to speak). The first step to feeling inner strength and being able to pass that strength onto our children is to accept ourselves - with all our blemishes and weaknesses. So many of us hide behind of facade of "I'm ok" that very few people in our lives rarely catch a glimpse of what's truly behind the mask. It's human to be a bundle of fears and carry at least a handful of regrets. It's even more human to expose them. The secret I try to camouflage daily - I'm afraid of my own shadow. I have panic attacks at the drop of a hat and rarely go anywhere if there's going to be more than a few people I know well. I don't even go into a Walmart, for example.... It makes for a small world.
posted by
Troosha
on November 9, 2006 at 4:11 PM
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Ariala
I think the fear of being disliked is shared by many brainiacs. You're not boring at all.
posted by
avant-garde
on November 9, 2006 at 3:49 PM
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Captivation
Yes, they did, and I found myself being very emotional on many levels. It's good to know that we are all in the same boat. Some of us have greater challenges, but we are all essentially the same. Thanks.
posted by
avant-garde
on November 9, 2006 at 3:49 PM
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Blanche
Well, you're in the top ranks often and I guess battles are part of the price you pay for it. I, personally, do not come here for confrontations; I come here to unwind. As for you personally, I admire you and Wiley both for putting yourselves 'out there'. It takes courage. Keep up the great work.
Oh, yeah. I think that getting into a belief dispute really doesn't do anyone any good. How can I dispute your beliefs, when I'm not sure about my own? Hmmm.
posted by
avant-garde
on November 9, 2006 at 3:47 PM
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Avant, that was a very courageous post. I think as we are honest with
ourselves to ourselves, we can be more honest to others about ourselves. This leads to acceptance all the way around.
I fear being thought boring...
posted by
Ariala
on November 9, 2006 at 3:27 PM
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Did they do a Challenge Day episode?
I think it is great when we can lower the water line and let other people see more than just the time of the ice berg. There is so much to each and every one of us that makes us so special for who and what we are. Remarkable. Great post.
posted by
Captivation
on November 9, 2006 at 2:59 PM
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Avant-Garde, feel free. I've shared quite a lot of personal information.
Some remember, some don't, but I felt I needed to, and I put it out there, as much for myself as for anyone who might benefit. I have had some interesting, mixed reactions, but overall, I'm glad I did.
All I ask, is that when people (not you) read something about me, don't email me. Keep it on the blog, it's a public forum and I feel safer that way. I had one interesting interaction (email) with a "Christian" today who doubts my own beliefs. Tough. I don't have to explain.
posted by
Blanche.
on November 9, 2006 at 2:56 PM
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