Comments on HAS YOUR LIFE EVER SPIRALLED OUT OF CONTROL?

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AbsolutelyPos...yes indeed...I had my plans all made too.

I was going to stay out in Florida after hurricane season was over and get a small apartment on the beach. The hurricanes never came.

Even now, when there are so many other types of disasters going on right now -

• earthquake in Hawaii
• flooding in Buffalo NY
• flooding in south texas
• tornadoes in the midwest

I'm baffled why God won't let me get assigned to one of these so I can move on with my life. Sometimes it feels just like God hates you and is punishing you. It has been a very distressing time for me.

I hope I've learned whatever I was supposed to learn so that I can move on soon.

posted by Passionflower on October 22, 2006 at 1:06 PM | link to this | reply

Moxie...I truly hated having to move in here and stay with him.

Then when we didn't get any hurricanes and I had to continue to live here, I was so depressed I wanted to die. I'm torn between trying to be thankful that at least I have a place to stay and beggin God to make a way for me to leave.

posted by Passionflower on October 22, 2006 at 1:02 PM | link to this | reply

Thanks for the cool pic Punday...also for the kind words.

posted by Passionflower on October 22, 2006 at 1:00 PM | link to this | reply

I'm so sorry to hear about your new car, Food4thought.

I hate when that happens...but you made a good analogy out of it. I'm starting to open my eyes and see that Richard is just as to blame for things as myself.

Perhaps even more to blame. There were many things he could have done to help me get thru that difficult place in my life. Instead, he abandoned me and left me to figure it out for myself.

I almost didn't. What kind of person sees you hurting and just walks away?

posted by Passionflower on October 22, 2006 at 12:59 PM | link to this | reply

U show maturity & growth.But never punish yourself for history...as you say

too much water under the bridge. Better, I think, to write him, try to save a friendship, say sorry if you want to, ask him to apologize if it's needed...otherwise look forward. Enjoy your creativity, a nice "vagabond heart". Shalom PF--perfect friend (to yourself first!)

 Love and best wishes, Neil

posted by salem8 on October 22, 2006 at 12:15 PM | link to this | reply

Dump the Guilt and leave the past behind. You have life to live.

posted by AbsolutelyPositive on October 22, 2006 at 7:23 AM | link to this | reply

  Sometimes when we do what is best for ourselves, it is not best for someone else. But all that we can do is what is best for ourselves or the situation. No one should be stuck somewhere where someone else's well-being or feelings are put first. Sounds like you did what was best all around. I was called selfish today because I am putting my daughters and my own feelings above my husband's. But I refuse to feel guilty. I should not have to stay with him just because he wants me to...

posted by twisted_mom on October 22, 2006 at 12:31 AM | link to this | reply

Passionflower, sometimes it's easier to think we need something we miss

and forget what drove us apart and away.

posted by Moxie_Maven on October 21, 2006 at 11:58 PM | link to this | reply

PF...

Don't be so hard on yourself.  You hit the nail on the head, while your ex may be sweet, he is a sweet (at least it sounds like to me) slob.  So right now, stop blaming yourself.  Playing the blame game gets you nowhere, and that is where you don't want to be.  Example:  (and this is a true story) Two weeks ago we bought a new car, one we had picked out and waited a month for.  Our first ever.  Six days after we got it, a deer ran into the side of it while my wife was driving.  Now, we can't blame the deer (actually we do, but not really) we can't blame the car and my wife sure isn't to blame.  The only thing to do is move on.

You are like the car, the shadow of the past will always remain, but you can fix yourself and get on down the road.

Ok, that's about as serious as I get, hope things get better.

posted by food4thought on October 21, 2006 at 11:55 PM | link to this | reply

Me too, Strickgold...it must be something in the atmosphere.

Maybe things will turn around for us soon.

posted by Passionflower on October 21, 2006 at 11:34 PM | link to this | reply

Thanks PassionFlower

Actually they are about the same but once I get over one hurdle then life just throws me another curve,  I am about to lose my mind most days.

posted by StrickGold on October 21, 2006 at 11:30 PM | link to this | reply

Sorry to hear that, Strickgold...I guess we all must go thru

these harsh times. I hope things are lookin better for you these days.

posted by Passionflower on October 21, 2006 at 11:22 PM | link to this | reply

I have faced all the above and more just this year

What A great life huh?  As for the rest of your post we have to make choices in this life and we should not have to explain our choices that are made on such a personal matter to anyone.  The only one you have to reason with is yourself.  Choices like that are not easy ones to make and a person has to do a lot of soul searching before ever getting to that point, you did what was right for you at the time. 

posted by StrickGold on October 21, 2006 at 11:19 PM | link to this | reply

LOL Wiley...you guys probably already got snow up there.

You know how I feel about cold weather. Right? Meet me in Miami and we'll have that dinner.

posted by Passionflower on October 21, 2006 at 9:24 PM | link to this | reply

Shypetite...I had a hard time divorcing Richard because he was so nice.

So much happened though....There was just no fixing some of it. Best to begin anew. It's been an uphill struggle all the way.

Now at least I know that I have this guilt. If I can let it go, maybe I can find some peace and happiness again.

posted by Passionflower on October 21, 2006 at 9:23 PM | link to this | reply

Passionflower

For heaven's sake luv are you Catholic or what.? Guilt sucks luv, get rid of it, you did the right thing in divorcing at the time. I wouldn't go backward myself.

Oh and I passed your list with flying colours. Divorce, addictions, yadda, yadda. So what do I win? Do I at least get a supper date with ya luv?

Go get some adventure, come north to Canada even, now that'd be an adventure for ya luv.

posted by WileyJohn on October 21, 2006 at 9:21 PM | link to this | reply

I understand you so well. I went through my own divorce and it took me so

long to see that it was good decision, for both of us. I will not say, that my life is easier now, but I am possitive- it is better in so many ways. And for sure, for him it is much better. And I am not jelous, just happy for him. He is a good man, just not for me.

posted by shypettite on October 21, 2006 at 8:45 PM | link to this | reply

Thanks LadyChar...I don't have any control at all though.

posted by Passionflower on October 21, 2006 at 7:42 PM | link to this | reply

Don't know Whacky...but it certainly is.

posted by Passionflower on October 21, 2006 at 7:41 PM | link to this | reply

Blanche...I didn't realize how much guilt I still held onto till today-

Richard helped me see it. He also reminded me that he had done as much or more to cause the death of our marriage. There are many things he could have done to make things better but he wouldn't or couldn't do them.

posted by Passionflower on October 21, 2006 at 7:41 PM | link to this | reply

Why is it so much easier to forgive others than ourselves?

posted by Whacky on October 21, 2006 at 7:28 PM | link to this | reply

every hour on the hour

it's how you handle your misfortunes that makes you "in" control.  no - you can't handle a terminal illness - but you can handle a divorce.  it's the degree of the problem that is the key.

posted by ladychardonnay on October 21, 2006 at 4:12 PM | link to this | reply

You must know that song of Bonnie Raitt's, "I can't make you love me if

you don't".  Well, that's all the explanation you need. quit beating yourself up, you've got other worries.

posted by Blanche. on October 21, 2006 at 2:51 PM | link to this | reply

Marilyn...people can be cruel and thoughtless.

They think nothing of saying things that will hurt you for months to come. I hope you're okay now too and moving past the anger/guilt/regret.

posted by Passionflower on October 21, 2006 at 2:51 PM | link to this | reply

Nitewriter...you're so right.

Life is too short to spend it with someone you have nothing in common with.  I should have never married Richard. I never loved him and he knew it.

posted by Passionflower on October 21, 2006 at 2:50 PM | link to this | reply

I tried to love him for years Blanche.

You're right....if you don't love someone, there's not much you can do about it. I'm too honest of a person to keep at it and pretend.

posted by Passionflower on October 21, 2006 at 2:48 PM | link to this | reply

Troosha...Richard told me that today.

He said he knew the problems we were having and could have participated in healing and restoring but chose NOT TO.

He wanted to be a "Nice Guy" so he wouldn't make the first move toward divorce, which left me to do it. Now I carry the burden of all the guilt for a failed marriage.

posted by Passionflower on October 21, 2006 at 2:47 PM | link to this | reply

You either love him or you don't, Passionflower, there's no way to make

yourself feel something you don't. Quit explaining to people who keep asking dumb questions. Sheesh, you shouldn't even to explain that one, it's a no-brainer. 

posted by Blanche. on October 21, 2006 at 2:47 PM | link to this | reply

Thanks for those hugs Shelly.

I'm sending some back to you.

posted by Passionflower on October 21, 2006 at 2:45 PM | link to this | reply

Thanks for what you say here Afzal....

I am a deeply wounded soul that lost everything and everyone I cared about 5 1/2 years ago. I have no family left - only my ex-husband....

I've tried to move away from him emotionally so I could move on with my life but cruel FATE put us back together. And then one of the bloggers here told me a while back that I had to re-marry Richard or we would be living in sin and God wouldn't help me anymore.

That sent me over the edge a little.

posted by Passionflower on October 21, 2006 at 2:44 PM | link to this | reply

Thanks Rame...

I've always felt like everythng that goes wrong is my fault anyway.

posted by Passionflower on October 21, 2006 at 2:41 PM | link to this | reply

Passion, sending hugs your way!!

  

posted by shelly_b on October 21, 2006 at 2:25 PM | link to this | reply

Bashing oneself is a dark place to be

and looking back with regret can have the trappings of not moving forward.  Sounds like there's nothing you really need to forgive yourself for - you and your husband grew apart and you felt it was best to part ways.  Look forward - not back.  When I find myself in this kind of state, I look for the simple things that brings me joy and smile. 

posted by Troosha on October 21, 2006 at 2:24 PM | link to this | reply

Don't Feel Guilty about your Divorce

I can totally relate to what you're saying.  I've been divorced twice and have felt tremendous guilt about it.  I know you did what your heart told you to do - staying in a relationship that you were just "enduring" would be wrong.  You did the right thing.  Now you can move on and either find another relationship that makes you happy or just find yourself (sometimes more important).  Don't listen to those insensitive idiots who just focus on the superficial relationship they saw (and have absolutely no idea of what went on behind the scenes).  Just simply say, "We just moved in different directions and it was time to make a change for both of us".  You do NOT have to justify your decision to others - only to yourself - and if you're content with your reasons, that's what matters.  Just think how many people would never take the step you took and waste their lives being unhappy!

posted by Marilynb54 on October 21, 2006 at 12:51 PM | link to this | reply

Passionflower and bandanafish

Most of thje times we find illogical reasons to fall in love. True. Because were it to be logical, we would not have fallen, but risen in love.

posted by Bhaskar.ing on October 21, 2006 at 12:42 PM | link to this | reply

Passion, you should not feel any guilt over divorcing Richard if your marriage wasn't right and you felt no attraction to him.  I think you are just feeling that guilt because you are forced to live with him at the moment.  I don't believe you should feel guilty for that.  Your living situation will change, you'll find something.  Please be patient and wait it out.  You're a very talented woman and there's a place out there in this big old world for you and the talent.  Please just hang in there!

posted by MaggieMae on October 21, 2006 at 12:36 PM | link to this | reply

Love is tricky. Many times we don't need any logical reason to fall in love

(we just do), but when we fall out of love, everyone expects a logical reason for it.

I hope you feel better.

posted by bandanafish on October 21, 2006 at 12:32 PM | link to this | reply

just because someone is nice and sweet

doesn't mean they are right for you.  You deserve to have a partner that is going to go places with you, and grow with you.  Not grow apart.  I hope that you find your forgiveness.

posted by Nitewriter on October 21, 2006 at 12:16 PM | link to this | reply

Need not worry over past issues it is going to mar your present .

Move ahead . You will always find love and peace in this big world of God .If you think that you have done wrong then you should better stoop down and ask to be forgiven by your former spouse . Nice post . It reflects your deep seated loneliness.

posted by afzal50 on October 21, 2006 at 11:50 AM | link to this | reply

Passionflower,

You are so right!  Until you can forgive yourself, you can't forgive anyone else.  I hope that you are at the point where you can forgive yourself.  You have so much of value to say and I enjoy reading you a lot.  Many of us have been through horrible ordeals ending in divorce and, though to others, it may not have seemed to be such a horrible ordeal living with your ex, if you are living it, it is an entirely different story. 

Best of luck to you.

 

posted by RAME on October 21, 2006 at 11:38 AM | link to this | reply