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MaggieMae, by the way
one consideration is that, if I have more time to myself, things might calm down a bit. There was another uncomfortable exchange two nights ago. Should it come to the point that we do go our separarate ways -- if I am strong enough -- then a reasonable settlement would mean I could manage quite well. Giving up work now, however, forces dependence on my husband, who does like to be in control. I never minded too much until that got out of control, so to speak. I have savings... I am just afraid I think, not knowing which way to jump. But I thank you for your thoughts..
posted by
mneme
on July 21, 2006 at 11:39 PM
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thanks muser
you know exactly how it is. Uncanny :) But then, being me, I accuse myself of being narcissistic... that's part of the fallout I think. But then I think that's not unreasonable, given what the past years have cost. I am told I was born under a Pisces moon, so no wonder I find it so hard to make decisions such as I am facing now, when they all carry such consequences. Sometimes you just have to bide your time, and so far I am still healthy although the body isn't as resilient as it used to be - the mind seems to be taking over now :) I admire your courage and your compassion for others, as well as your beautiful writing; and I think we have in common a quite determined inner strength, and an unwillingness to throw in the towel :) I hope you are feeling well today.
posted by
mneme
on July 21, 2006 at 11:18 PM
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maggiemae
this is exactly the problem. I do feel obligated, and it takes its toll. Yes this is my husband. I tried to leave and he went off the deep end, because I had met someone who made all the past hurt disappear. He wanted us to go to counselling, although I felt it was too late. He stopped going when it wasn't giving him the result he wanted. It was a dreadful time. I ended the other relationship, but didn't lose the feelings (neither did he). My husband had no patience with this and wanted to go after him because, according to his logic, everything was fine until then. I needed months of counselling to work through all this, and I am no better off. My husband's extremes of emotion, his involvement of the children, his intimidation and so on have been very hard to cope with, for a very long time. I can't go into detail, but it has been very, very hard, for him too I'm sure. At one point I tried to do things his way, and the emotional strain was too much, and I went to stay with friends, getting myself out while he was away. That didn't work either, and I am back in the house and having to try to work it out -- again on his terms, as he considers himself the injured party, the magnanimous one. I can't see how he can say he loves me and not only mean it but believe it. The alternatives are almost too much to contemplate. Geographic isolation from my family is only part of it. But I won't give up, and I won't let him own me.
posted by
mneme
on July 21, 2006 at 11:06 PM
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Mneme...never forget that you have choices...plural. you are never at
another's mercy...
for 23 years my world was a stage on which i played many roles...the dutiful daughter...the good wife...the mommmy/mom...teaching assistant...housekeeper...taxi service... everyone's needs were anticipated, and fulfilled to the best of my ability. had there been awards given, i would have won each year...if not the oscar, then best supporting actress In the wee small hours, when everyone slept, I was with myself...I kept my dreams alive...and somehow I kept who I was, who I thought of as "me" alive. When my sons left home, I began to gradually reemerge...this was my time for center stage...i was eady, confident, excited.
Sadly, the woman of the past, the one who had held so much appeal...had been replaced with a younger, more entergetic version of ...me...lesson learned? give of yourself to others...but don't use yourself up...be yourself...hold on to your dreams...and when everyone you loved leaves you...you still have yourself...and your dreams...in addition to your present reality.
notes for second book
Copyright (C) 2006 Cynthia Allison All Rights Reserved
posted by
muser
on July 21, 2006 at 11:50 AM
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mneme. Speaking from my own experience, I would not advise you to give up your income and independence to be kept by this man - is he your husband? If you do, he may feel he's in control and that does not make for a good relationship. If I were you, I would not give up my job and my independence. The problem is, you come to feel like you owe him something and you'll find yourself doing things you don't want to do, but feel obligated.
If I'm not understanding what you've said in your blog, please tell me, but that's what I think I read.
posted by
MaggieMae
on July 21, 2006 at 8:53 AM
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