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Yes! I like it so much better.

it has a bitter sweet edge to it now.

posted by marieclaire66 on June 30, 2006 at 4:17 PM | link to this | reply

one last suggestion

how about very last wheezing. Does that sound like an expiry date, I think it is graphic enough medically speaking? Well I tried. you don't have to like it.

Incidentally I was just having a bit of fun with my haiku, it was a take off of the real thing which I am not very good at anyway. Your utmost spere is but a ball, I was thinking your atmosphere, is a butter ball, I was trying to be clever but nobody noticed ah well better luck next time. I just had a giggle to myself when I wrote it, too bad if I was the only one.

posted by marieclaire66 on June 29, 2006 at 2:56 AM | link to this | reply

I wish you'd keep your "nose" out the haiku.

Excuse the pun, but is it that important to be so medically correct. I have a vision of a nose right in my face. Sorry I like the start but the nose does not sit right for me although as you say it is an accurate description.  May be I am too much into symbolism and this is new to me, I speak from an intuitive point of vue rather than knowledge, yeah I am a bulshitter, to put it bluntly, so this is just an opinion, I am a learner.

posted by marieclaire66 on June 29, 2006 at 2:43 AM | link to this | reply

Good attempt, but weighted down by detail. 

posted by markng on June 28, 2006 at 8:34 AM | link to this | reply

There is much merit in what you say

I wanted to include the best feature of haiku, a TWIST or SURPRISE. Although "death" yielding the original breath through the nose is not too new, or surprising for those who work in healthcare, or read, etc.

Let me try to edit it, MarieClaire:

will repost the edited version, Thanks YPUN

posted by salem8 on June 28, 2006 at 4:00 AM | link to this | reply

good start but...

exits through nose is too graphic and kills it. Try something like exhales past lips

 breath out or whatever. Okay you don't have to listen to me. Just a thought.

posted by marieclaire66 on June 28, 2006 at 3:49 AM | link to this | reply