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I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING
Maybe this is why I write rhyme so much. Poetry like the sample here and so many others I have read, don't even appeal to me. I guess part of the reason is because they are such a stark departure from grammatical correctness which I believe is still an integral part of good poetry. You are correct. Your example is extreme, but reminds me more of non-traditional haiku. Anyhow, thanks for the re-read. I am in the process of re-inventing myself. Got some good advice. Now got to make it happen! Bye
posted by
swftfox
on June 9, 2006 at 7:38 AM
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Here's an extreme example of what I was trying to say.
Of course, your poem shouldn't be cut down this much but this is one of mine that, in just a few words, evokes a very strong image and emotion.
Wretched
Somber
Craving of a violent nature.
Inside
Pants
Ghost with no soul.
Torn
Frigid
Sacraments with no meaning.
Given
Eternity
As a black reward.
C. Sorrell - (c) Copyright 2004 - All Rights Reserved
posted by
Passionflower
on June 8, 2006 at 11:45 PM
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I like the way you've re-worked it but you still have extraneous words.
The nature of a poem is brevity so each word must be precisely used and well-executed. Each word must serve a purpose.
Once I entered a very, very, very short story contest. Word length could not exceed 250. The exercise taught me well. Every single word had to be crucial to the piece or it would be deleted.
In that first stanza you use the word 'field' twice. You don't need all those "I"'s either. Though I love your poem's message, it would come across clearer and more powerful if it were stripped of everything that didn't move it forward at a quicker pace.
posted by
Passionflower
on June 8, 2006 at 11:39 PM
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Message Massage...
I think prose poets all suffer the malady at times.
For myself, I detest rhyme unless it is executed exceedingly fine. I write prose almost exclusively now, for long poems such as this I would urge working out a meter/cadence, and would suggest smaller "paragraph" blocks. One of the great secrets of getting people to read long poems is breaking up the text into small manageable blocks so that the poem does not "look" long,
posted by
white-cossack
on June 8, 2006 at 4:03 AM
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Okay, I'm not wasted...
I'm just going thru a manic phase due to impending deployment!
posted by
Passionflower
on June 7, 2006 at 10:02 PM
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I like it simply for the message -
The reason I don't care for rhyming poetry is that very few people are any good at it. They use cliche expressions in order to rhyme.
They don't say what's in their hearts because the words have to rhyme. That's sacrificing too much for the sake of rhyming. Say what you have to say!!!
But even in free verse, there are rules. And if you learn and carefully observe them, you can write some aweome poetry. The major problem I saw with this is that the wording is too thick and clumsy. You've gotta take out all those unnecessary prepositions and prepositional phrases.
What you're saying can be said with MUCH fewer words. Go back and remove every word that isn't 100 % crucial to the poem's meaning. Then put the lines together in 3 or 4 line groups--sort of like a paragraph.
Each time you change thoughts, change paragraphs or groupings.
And please don't judge my abilities as a poet by the most recent thing I posted. I'm completely wasted and have no idea what I wrote...LOL!!!
posted by
Passionflower
on June 7, 2006 at 10:01 PM
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