Comments on HELP NEEDED ON WHAT TO TELL MY CHILDREN

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Maybe tell them that Daddy got into a little trouble and now has to work
to pay back the trouble he caused?  And when he's done he can come back?  They'll think Daddy is doing the "honorable" by making good, while understanding that he's not coming back for a while.  I dunno.  Good luck, kiddo...

posted by Renigade on April 11, 2006 at 9:13 PM | link to this | reply

Jane, you said it perfect. When you want to sit and cry yourself....
just gotta bite it and be a big fat liar...lol...it pays off in the long run.  I hope....haha... thank you so much for your thoughts...

posted by Kiddo75 on March 25, 2006 at 12:28 PM | link to this | reply

Use your sense of humor

I know I haven't been around a long time but through your writing what comes shining through most clearly is your wonderful sense of humor. Use that when you talk to your children and make them laugh instead of cry.  When I left my ex I couldn't really tell my kids I took them and moved away because when I was in the hospital having my youngest he took the rent money and bought his favorite narcotic. I made up a lie that would satisfy them and 8 years later i'm still lying every now and then if the subject comes up. Sometimes we have to lie to our children so we can keep their world a safe and happy and secure place. They'll grow up way too fast as it is so i don't see any good reason to rush them along with the harsh realities. All you can do is be there for them and make them smile as much as possible even when you want to cry yourself.

Jane

posted by MLouise on March 25, 2006 at 12:26 PM | link to this | reply

CDCOMET - thank you so much for an "after look" sorta speak of
what I tell myself is the reason I lie and have lied and bite my tongue.  There have been SOO many times I gave him the credit for awsome gifts on bdays when he didn't even remember what month they were born on, when dinner was really good "he made it for them"...stuff like that that I knew they needed.  I won't and will not take him down or take down their image of him.  We get old way too soon, thank you so much again for your comment...

posted by Kiddo75 on March 24, 2006 at 6:14 PM | link to this | reply

Denny, thank you for your advice. I appreciate the thought
you put in to my situation.  It is a nasty one.  There are so many things I am going through emotionally, but I just have to put that on the back burner.  They are situations I made through decisions and actions all on my own;  They are innocent in this all, and they deserve to hold their dad up in the same respects as every other child.  I just feel like I'd be a bitter selfish bitch if I took away from them the love or respect they have for their Daddy.  So I guess I just needed to hear what you said to make my lying to them OK.  Cause it is lying, and honestly I have a hard time coming up with something right on the spot.  They just hurt, and that hurts.  I wanna freak out but then I realize I have no one to freak out too.  I'm on my own!  So I gotta suck it up!  lol.... Thanks friend...

posted by Kiddo75 on March 24, 2006 at 6:10 PM | link to this | reply

You are a wonderful mother!
The reason I said that is because I grew up in a similar way as your children are. My father was abusive to my mother (Physically and verbal) . It bothered me that he was like that, but I just wanted things to be OK. I was 7 when my mother left him and I remember feeling there was still hope for them. This is where the similarity is, my mother never kept us from seeing him or saying anything bad about him. (although she wanted to) I felt at the time that it was my mothers fault because she left. Though she could have said things to taint our feelings towards him, she let him talk. Meaning when he didn't follow through with things as he said, or made excuses, she let him tell us why. We learned quickly about my father. I have no contact with my father. I am a father now, I can't imagine leaving my child ever.... I want your children to have a relationship with their father, he needs them also. There comes a time when you should let him tell the kids whats going on instead of you. I think he owes that to them. Don't blame yourself, you are doing the best you can. I am proud of my mother, and of you also. He can make it work for your children. I pray it does work out, try to let go of the guilt you hold, your doing the best you can for them...

posted by cdcomet on March 24, 2006 at 5:58 PM | link to this | reply

Chell...

You really do face some monumental decisions here. For now, though, you can deflect the inevitable by fudging things for them just a bit. Tell them that daddy's job took him away for a little while but he'll be back soon. (You'll need to fill in the blanks for your kids as you go along, like this blank: when will daddy finish his job?)

If he does end up incarcerated for a substantial length of time then it actually gets easier for you because your choices will narrow.

I don't know what visitation rights prisoners have where you live, but if he forfeits visitation rights by default then you can always refuse to expose your children to the "prison life." As a matter of fact, if I were an attorney, I would take your case and defend your right to refuse prison visits for your children lest they get the idea that "everybody goes to prison once in a while, even my daddy!"

As it is right now, until he receives a substantial sentence, just tell them that his work called him away and he'll be back as soon as possible. Then distract them with some fun activity until the next time they ask. After a while, they'll get used to him not being available.

Whatever you do, don't dispararge him in front of them. They are his flesh and blood and if you express your disapproval of him to your children then you're also expressing a disapproval of at least half of them.

And finally, once you settle the legal issues of visitation and such, get in his face and tell him that you do not wish to expose your good children to his life strategy. Find a sympathetic ear down at your county seat and let them know your situation before it gets out of hand for your children!

Protect their innocence as long as possible short of outright lying.

DM

posted by Dennison..Mann on March 24, 2006 at 4:05 PM | link to this | reply