Comments on I’m f-ing fooling myself and I can’t do it anymore.

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I can't really respond to all your comments individually right now, but I
wanted to say thank you.  I'm working my way back.  I appreciate everything you said and it means a lot.   I'm just not finding much to be hopeful about right now, and I'm faking my way through some things a bit.

posted by Temple on November 9, 2005 at 7:31 PM | link to this | reply

Temple - you know I love your writing and I always have, even before I got to know you better. Your writing is awesome - I keep telling you this - you write from your heart and soul and I'm not the only one who loves it. We've talked too, you and I, and I found nothing offensive in your conversation. I wish we could do it again, but expense and time differences do count. You are going through things I could never imagine, but this world would be a sadder place without you, so I'm glad you didn't go through the windscreen.

posted by Ca88andra on November 8, 2005 at 1:34 AM | link to this | reply

Temple--Please don't let this define you. Sure it makes you a tad

quirky and kind of off-center...But most people work years to be quirky and off-center, and you do it without even trying!  And you do well!

Seriously...You are a great person.  I know you're feeling down, but let those of us who WANT to help you help.

Reni

posted by Renigade on November 7, 2005 at 7:05 PM | link to this | reply

I would like to point out
that you write better than I do, and although it may not be the form of communication you are accustommed too, you are very very good at it.  On another note, verbal communication is hard for me as well. I don't know why but I have the same issues in my frontal lobes as you and I was born that way. I can't say the same about my brain stem, but psychiatrists have always treated my "symptoms" with medication and I don't believe that had anything to do with the actual problems in my frontal lobes. Honestly, no doctor has ever checked but I guarantee you if they did study my brain it would be obvious.  And, I was born like this.  One time my brother brought this girl over he just started dating, and my brother had told her I dated this guy she dated.  Well, she thought it was funny and brought it up. Guesswhat I said?  You will think I'm a nut job.  I said, infront of my brother, mother, and husband, with a laugh, "Oh? He has a small dick."  Why in the hell did I say that? I wish I could go back in time and fix that.  When she mentioned his name, it triggered an anger emotion because the guy was a jerk, and I just went into insult mode.  But it was inappropriate, I should have just said, "oh yeah, I met him before." Talk about embarrassing. People consider me a lose cannon, an even though I was born a genius, I have this amazing inability to control impulses.  I pick at things, obsessively. It's weird.  No medication has ever really helped, but valium sort of kept me sedated so the picking was cut down.  I understand what it's like to be "embarrassing".  But, it has to be hard to have brain damage and know you were different before.  I suppose I'm used to things.  Take care Temple

posted by Flumpystalls3000 on November 6, 2005 at 8:24 AM | link to this | reply

I think it'd be awesome if you can get your insurance to cover that...

Just to know exactly what is going on in there, so you can be treated appropriately.  I have a lot of hope for you, and your brain injury.  As you know, I can sympathize with diseases and conditions that just won't go away on their own.  You have to have hope though, some faith that things will get better.  You've always done a good job at this, damn, you are one of the most hopeful people that I know.  You'll find that again, as it can be a driving force.

Also, remember that it's not always you that runs people off.  Seriously, many people just have other crap and they can't deal with much outside of themselves, so don't take it so personally.  You are a good person and you are lovable. 

posted by RachelAnna on November 6, 2005 at 7:25 AM | link to this | reply

You've got a friend in Texas!

posted by fwmystic on November 6, 2005 at 6:36 AM | link to this | reply

Well I woke up this morning and started talking to an imaginary friend (yes, living alone makes us do strange things!) I was crying and reflecting on my life and wondering out loud what I ever did to deserve this lonely, solitary existence. This is not what I thought my "life" would be.  Then I read your post and felt guilty for feeling sorry for myself.  I could be dealing with so much more, so much worse.  But then on the other side of that, I guess it also shows that there are so many of us that feel much the same way you do, despite not having to go through a brain injury. There is so much that is not within our control or understanding, and it gets daunting and discouraging.  I don't think it would be much of an exaggeration to say that I've just given up on my life.  I hope you will not give up on yours.  You have so much to offer.....And I promise not to mention the hockey game last night unless you post in Snifferhead!         

posted by Holy_Grail on November 6, 2005 at 6:34 AM | link to this | reply

Temple. please believe. I don't believe you should cut yourself off from peope but maybe if its feels more difficult right now you could limit the time with some people - so that at the end of the time together everyone wishes it was for longer. The other thing to remember is that probably 3/4 of people's actions are not worth analyzing. Of course it is easy for me to suggest that ....
BTW, I know it was not your purpose to make me feel guilty - I feel that all on my own.
It's no wonder you are scared. Hang in there.

posted by Azur on November 6, 2005 at 6:24 AM | link to this | reply

May, I desperately want to believe you.
In fact, right now I desperately need to believe you.  I think my writing is the same as what my brain does... turns it over and over ... and this is that process I can't get past.  But, it seems that when I let my guard down around people and just be, this is when I find myself in trouble ... confused.  I analyze their behavior, what do we do now, what does this mean, that sort of thing...and I keep tripping over myself in spite of who I thought I am.  Don't feel guilty about your good fortune, this is certainly not my purpose.  I agonized whether or not to post this.  I just want to feel loved, lovable, whole, and that others feel the love I feel for them. I just feel like some kind of alien or foreigner unaware of customs...with no hope of understanding.  It is very lonely here, and I miss many lost people...and there are those I want to reach out to, but I'm afraid it will all have the same result.  Others need to understand this injury, which was my purpose, so here it all is.  But, I am so scared here.  Yes, that is the word.  Thank you for your comment...It means a lot.

posted by Temple on November 6, 2005 at 5:29 AM | link to this | reply

Temple
You do have what it takes to keep people. For those of us beyond your situation, who have never met you in person, we must take you as we find you, go with what we see. In that situation the injury is not what we see. We see you.

But in writing about the injury and explaining it as you do you are doing something important.


You work so hard at thinking and analyzing these things. It is your gift in your writing but it ties you in knots.

"I know in my heart I am good…and that others have shortcomings…but somehow mine make me so easily dismissed." I think many of us feel like that even though we've no right to.

We all sometimes wish we went through the equivalent of your "windscreen". I do sometimes and it makes me feel so bloody guilty given that on a small turn of luck my life was saved.

Take care


posted by Azur on November 6, 2005 at 5:16 AM | link to this | reply